


Two Weeks & Twelve Summers

by KeepingSchtum



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Eventual Smut, F/F, Slow Burn, Summer AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 03:44:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 56,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4124469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeepingSchtum/pseuds/KeepingSchtum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa lives in a small town resort, where the Griffins begin to vacation every summer when both Clarke and Lexa are 8 years old. The two girls grow up together, side by side, for two months out of the year before Clarke leaves at the end of each summer to head back home to Washington, D.C.</p><p>As they get older, their relationship changes and matures and all it takes is two weeks to ultimately change their relationship, and their lives, forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When We Were 8

School had let out only a week ago, and already trailers and carloads of families were piling into our small riverside resort. The river was the best thing about this place – everything else sucked. There was only one movie theatre in town and they only showed a few movies, and none of the movies they show are any good. To see a good movie, Gustus would sometimes drive Anya and me to the closest city, where they maybe had two movie theatres. Earlier this year I turned 8, and for my birthday party we went to the bowling alley, which only has four whole lanes. There's one grocery store, one Wal-Mart, and no Target. I've been to a Target twice in my whole life. Every time I go there, I get popcorn while Gustus and Anya shop. I like it at Target.

I live at the resort with my cousin Anya and my uncle Gustus. Gustus owns and runs the resort, and Anya is gonna start working at the convenience store on the resort this summer for the first time. Anya is older than me by five years so she's the boss of me when Gustus isn't around. But Gustus is the official boss of me. My parents used to own this resort, and when they died back when I was five years old, they left this place to Gustus. He says that eventually this place will be mine, but I don't want this place cause it's in a sucky town.

Sometimes I dream about running away to some big, fancy city, like Las Vegas or Los Angeles or maybe even as far as New York City. I've never been to any of those places, but Anya says when I'm old enough she's gonna take me to Vegas. She's a big fat liar though cause she's never been to Vegas either. She'd probably get us both lost.

“Lexa! Go help that family unload their car!” My uncle Gustus called out to me from where I was lying on the dock. I didn't want to go help the family unload their car – their suitcases looked bigger than me. Typical city slickers that overpack – don't they know you only need a swimsuit and a pair of shorts around here? What else could they do, other than swim and bake in the heat? Get dressed to go into sucky town to see a sucky movie at the suckiest movie theatre in the whole world? Lame.

Anya rolled her eyes as I peeled myself off the dock and walked my very slowest to the car. I know Anya rolled her eyes cause it's like I could feel it in my bones. She rolled her eyes from where she was standing under the awning of the convenience store. I know it.

When I finally got to the car, there was a big man trying to get a suitcase out of the car. He was telling his kid which way she should push at the suitcase from her spot in the trunk to help him get the suitcase out of the car. The mom was being a mom and rolling her eyes at her kid and her husband and occasionally sighing. I remember my mom doing that stuff before she died. I think all moms do it.

“Can I help?” I asked. I was already very sure that I would be able to help, cause these guys were pushing that suitcase out all wrong, that's why. The kid wasn't pushing from the right part of the suitcase, and that's why it got stuck.

“You sure you wanna help? I think Clarke's got it covered,” The dad said to me. I shook my head at him.

“She definitely doesn't got it covered,” I said as I hopped into the trunk and sat on my knees next to this blonde girl. Her hair was kinda curly and really blonde and she was real pale, probably the palest person I've ever seen. I was already pretty tan and my hair was brown and really curly. Gustus and Anya always had to put it in braids to keep it out of my face, especially in the summer when it would get so hot my hair would stick to me all over.

I grabbed the suitcase and pushed it out of the trunk, and maybe the other girl helped a little bit. I think I did most of the work though, specially since as soon as I got there I managed to get the thing out. I hopped out of the trunk, and the dad said thanks and the mom just pushed all the bags into their cabin.

The other girl hopped out of the trunk and put her hands on her hips.

“I woulda got it outta there eventually, you know,” She said, looking at me kind of like she was angry at me. “You didn't need to help.”

“My uncle told me to, so I had to do what he said. Anyways, I'm the one who got that thing outta there, you should thank me for it,” I said as I pushed some hair out of my face that was flying around in the breeze.

“My dad already said thanks,” The girl huffed. “What's your name anyway?”

“I'm Lexa. What's your name?”

“I'm Clarke. My dad already said my name. You must not be a real good listener. My teacher at school says I'm a real good listener.”

I crossed my arms at her.

“Hey kid, I don't care what your teacher says about you. It's summer now, no school anymore.”

Clarke stuck her tongue out at me at the same time that her mom was coming out of the cabin to lock up the car. I was gonna grab Clarke's tongue and shove it back in her mouth, but her mom crossed her arms and looked real upset at Clarke.

“Clarke Griffin, what have I told you about sticking your tongue out at people?” The mom said.

“Not to,” Clarke replied. Her cheeks were getting all red and embarrassed-like and I was glad about it. I almost smiled.

“That's right. I don't want to see you doing that again. Now apologize to....” The mom looked at me, and I realized I was supposed to say my name.

“I'm Lexa.”

“Right. I'm Abby. Now, Clarke, apologize to Lexa.”

Clarke huffed and crossed her arms across her chest and kicked at some dirt. I don't think she really wanted to say sorry.

“Sorry, Lexa.”

“It's ok,” I said. I smiled at her. I didn't really forgive her, but I thought it was funny that she got caught.

Clarke's mom, Abby, gave Clarke five dollars and told her to go and get ice cream with me and asked me to show Clarke around. I agreed, but on the inside I really wanted to go and watch Looney Tunes.

I grabbed Clarke's sweaty hand and dragged her to the convenience store. Anya was in there stocking up the ice cream freezer.

“Hey, Anya,” I said. Anya stuck her head out of the freezer and looked at me and Clarke.

“Hey, pipsqueak. Who's your friend?”

“Her name is Clarke. I gotta show her around the resort, but I think we're gonna get ice creams.”

Anya gestured towards the freezer.

“Be my guest,” She said before walking over to the cash desk. Clarke chose an ice cream sandwich thing while I took a push pop. Clarke handed Anya the five dollar bill and didn't want any change. Anya rose her eyebrows at me when Clarke didn't want the change, so I shrugged at her. People from the big cities were weird.

“What's her name?” Clarke asked me before we left.

“Anya. She's my cousin,” I said as I tore the push pop wrapper off and started eating.

“Bye Anya! It was nice meeting you,” Clarke said as she opened the door for us to leave.

“Bye guys. Nice meeting you too, Clarke,” Anya replied, looking confused at Clarke's politeness. I was confused too.

“You're real polite.” I said. Clarke shrugged.

“Not always,” She replied. I clearly already knew that since she had stuck her tongue out at me not even ten minutes ago.

“Where are you from anyway?” I asked.

“Washington, D.C.” She answered.

“That's a long drive.”

She nodded.

We walked towards the dock, which was my first stop on the tour of this place.

“This is the dock,” I said. Clarke looked at me like I was dumb.

“Obviously.”

She was kind of right. We left the dock and I pointed to the area to the left of the dock.

“That's where all the cabins are,” I said. I then pointed to an area further down the riverbank, where there were some houseboats. “That's where all the houseboats are.”

I pointed towards the convenience store.

“That's where the convenience store is. Behind it there's a laundromat,” I said. I then pointed to the right of the dock. “That's where the office and my house are.”

“You live here?” Clarke asked me. I gave her a look that said 'duh.' “All year long?”

I gave her another look that said 'duh.'

“Wow,” Clarke said. “Is it nice here in the winter? Does it snow here?”

“It gets colder in the winter, but it doesn't snow. I've never seen snow in my whole life,” I replied. Clarke was getting chocolate crumbs all over her face from her ice cream, and for some reason I wanted to clean her mouth off for her. I was the one who grabbed the napkins from the cash desk before we left. Clarke didn't seem to be very prepared for life. Without napkins, life is a mess.

“You have crumbs and ice cream on your face,” I said as I handed Clarke a napkin. I handed her a second napkin also when I noticed the mess on Clarke's face was bigger than I thought.

“Your tongue is orange,” Clarke giggled as she wiped around her mouth and basically missed all the crumbs and ice cream on her face.

I sighed and grabbed another napkin – being around this girl was depleting my napkins way faster than usual. Next time I'm gonna have to grab extra napkins, cause Clarke is a messy eater. This time I cleaned Clarke's face and managed to get all the mess off it.

“Thanks,” Clarke said as she looked down at her feet and smiled a little. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. I mean, she didn't try to push me into the water when we were on the dock, which is what Anya normally does. It was nice to be on the dock and not worry about maybe drowning in the river.

“There's some swings behind my house, wanna go there? I've got a slide too. Not a metal slide, but a plastic slide. Cause a metal slide would fry your butt.”

Clarke's eyes went wide.

“I don't wanna fry my butt.”

“It's ok, the plastic gets hot but it won't fry your butt,” I said, very serious.

Clarke looked relieved and let me grab her hand so I could take her behind my house. We walked past the office, where my uncle Gustus was sitting and he knocked on the window as we walked past. I waved at him, but Clarke got scared by the knocking.

“Who was that?!” She said as we kept walking by.

“That's my uncle Gustus. He runs this place.”

Clarke nodded. When we got to the swings, Clarke and I rock paper scissors'd to see who would go on the swings first. I only really had one swing back there, cause Anya didn't like swings anymore cause she was too big, she said. Clarke won the rock paper scissors, so she got to go on the swings first while I got to use the slide. It was just like I said – hot, but not fry your butt hot.

“Ok, so the rules are, you can swing for 100 swings and then we switch,” I said. Clarke shrugged.

“Why do you get to make the rules for the swings?”

“'Cause these are my swings, that's why,” I replied, and Clarke shrugged again and nodded.

“What's it like here? Like in town and at school and stuff?” Clarke asked me.

“Pretty sucky. The movie theatre doesn't even show good movies,” I replied. “There are 15 kids in my class, and it's been the same 15 kids since kindergarten. I know everyone in the school and everyone knows me. What's your home like?”

Clarke looked at me with surprised eyes.

“Wow,” She said. “I can't even imagine that. I only have a few really good friends, and they're the only people I know anything about from school. I have two best friends. They're named Octavia and Raven. Octavia has an older brother named Bellamy and he's probably about as old as Anya.”

“Why'd you come here this summer?” I asked. Clarke shrugged.

“I dunno. Normally I go to camp with Octavia and Raven, but this year my dad said he wanted to get away. He has work to do or something like that. So him and I are gonna stay here all summer. My mom has to go back to Washington D.C. in a week, cause she can't take a lot of time off work. She's a doctor at the hospital.”

“Wow, a doctor. That's pretty cool,” I said. Clarke nodded and got off the swings.

“It's been a hundred swings,” She said. We switched, just like we said we would.

“What does your dad do?” I asked. Clarke cringed at how hot the plastic on the slide was.

“He teaches at a university. I think he teaches people how to build things.”

The rest of the day kept going like that, with Clarke and I taking turns on the swing and slide until it got too hot outside. Clarke's mom came looking for her and told her to put a hat on or come inside because of the heat.

“I think I wanna go inside,” Clarke said. “I'm missing my favourite show. But can we play later tonight or maybe tomorrow?”

“Sure. You can just knock on my door whenever,” I said. Clarke smiled at me and waved bye while she followed her mom back to their cabin.

That night, Clarke came and knocked on my door and we lay down on the dock and watched the stars and made shapes out of them until Uncle Gustus and Abby yelled at us to come inside.

“I'm glad you're making a friend, Lexa,” Uncle Gustus said to me as he watched me brush my teeth. He said he didn't trust me to brush every tooth. When I was done brushing, he braided my hair again cause it got messed up today cause of the swing and the slide. “Clarke seems nice.”

“She's pretty nice, I guess. She likes Taylor Swift music,” I said. Uncle Gustus made eye contact with me in the mirror and made an impressed face.

“Taylor Swift is great,” He said as he finished up my braid. “You like Taylor Swift, too, don't you?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “ _Obviously_ , Uncle Gustus.”

“That's good, Lexa. Just don't forget, Clarke has to leave at the end of the summer. I don't want you to get hurt, sweetie.”

I looked down at my feet and nodded.

“Yeah, I remember.”

Uncle Gustus leaned down and kissed my forehead.

“Ok, Lexa. Now time for bed.”

* * *

That's how most of the summer went by. It went by so fast. Every day was hot and sunny, and every day Clarke and I would swing and slide and swim in the river and eat ice cream. Clarke would put sunscreen on my shoulders when Anya would forget and she would let me borrow her extra hats. Clarke's bathing suit was a pink one piece and mine was a green one piece. Clarke eventually learned to swim just as good as me, cause I taught her how. My Uncle Gustus taught Clarke's dad, Jake, how to drive the boat and sometimes Jake or Uncle Gustus would take Clarke and Anya and me out on the river. Those were fun days.

Clarke's mom left and came back and left again a few times, but she was nice. Sometimes she would invite me over for dinner and Clarke and I would race to see who could finish eating first. Sometimes Jake would invite me over for dinner, too, but he could barely cook anything. I would've said no to Jake, except Clarke would look at me in a way that said she really wanted me to come over so I would say yes and eat his horrible food. I would invite Clarke over for dinner too, except sometimes her and Anya would get into undercover food fights whenever Uncle Gustus wasn't looking and then the next day he'd find peas or corn under their place mats and ask me how it got there and I'd have to lie and say I didn't know.

A few days before Clarke and her dad left for good, her dad came over to my house and installed something on our computer so Clarke and I could talk to each other during the school year. Our internet was kind of slow some days, but I liked the idea of talking to Clarke during the school year.

The day Clarke left, she came over to my house first thing in the morning. I wasn't even really awake yet, but she walked right on into my bedroom and woke me up.

“Lexa, get up, I'm leaving today.”

“What?” I asked as I sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and pushed my hair out of my face.

“I'm leaving today. I gotta go home,” Clarke said. She looked like she was gonna cry. Her cheeks were pink and the sunburn on her nose was peeling. When she first came here I thought she was the palest girl I'd ever seen, but now she was tan and it was clear our summer together was over.

“I don't want you to go,” I said kind of quiet. “I wish you lived here, in this suckfest town.”

“I don't wanna go either,” Clarke said. “But my dad says we're coming back next summer. And we can talk to each other every day on the computer!”

“It's not gonna be the same as having you here,” I said. Clarke grabbed my hand.

“I know. I'm sorry,” She said. “I hope this year speeds by real quick. That way it'll feel like two weeks before I'm back here.”

I laughed at her.

“Two weeks? It's gonna be way longer than that,” I said. Clarke nodded.

“I know. I'm gonna miss playing with you, Lexa.”

“I'm gonna miss playing with you too,” I said. “Can you eat breakfast with me? Uncle Gustus got your favourite choco pop cereal at the grocery store.”

Clarke smiled and hugged me.

“Sure, I can have breakfast with you.”

While Clarke and I ate, Uncle Gustus braided my hair. Anya had already finished eating and was drinking a glass of milk. I think even Anya was sad to see Clarke go.

“Anya?” Clarke tried to get her attention.

“Yeah?”

“Can you braid my hair like Uncle Gustus does to Lexa?”

Anya shrugged and stood behind Clarke and braided her hair.

Clarke smiled at me when breakfast was over.

“Now we match,” She said. I smiled. It was funny to see Clarke with my braids, but I liked it.

I walked Clarke out to her car and helped her dad pack their suitcases in the trunk. He high fived me and promised to see me next summer. Clarke gave me a hug that was super hard and she kind of squeezed me too hard but I smiled and I squeezed her back. Her hug didn't hurt that much anyway. Clarke leaving hurt more than her hug did.

“Promise me we'll talk every day on the computer,” Clarke said. I promised her.

And then she got into the car and her dad started to drive back to Washington, D.C.

 


	2. When We Were 9

That year after Clarke left was strange and lots of things changed. School was kind of normal, but we learned long division, which was definitely weird. And we actually got a new kid in our school. For once, I didn't know everything about his family right away. He was in grade 6, so he was two years older than me and three years younger than Anya. His name was Lincoln, and he would sometimes come to the resort to help my Uncle Gustus with things that needed fixing, or sometimes he'd help out in the convenience store. Lincoln's mom was the new Sheriff in town, and not just like the saying. She really was the new Sheriff. Lincoln and I would sometimes hang out around the resort and he'd help me at the convenience store on quiet days when Anya couldn't be there.

Anya started to go to high school, and she got busy doing things at school, like running track and joining the rugby team, so she wasn't at home much anymore. So sometimes I would work at the convenience store for my Uncle Gustus, but only with Lincoln's help, and only on quiet days. I missed Anya a lot, even though she still used to try to push me into the river whenever we were on the dock. I got her once though and she really fell in that time, even though she says it isn't true. It is true.

Clarke and I would talk online on MSN every day. We would talk when I would get home from school, and sometimes I'd do my homework while talking to her. Clarke said time was different in Washington, so even though I had just got home, she was just finished dinner. That sounded weird for sure. We wouldn't usually chat too long, cause Clarke would have to go to bed and I'd have to eat dinner eventually. But on Fridays and Saturdays we could normally chat a little longer cause Clarke's bedtime was later. Clarke would tell me about her day, about things that Raven and Octavia did, and I would tell her about my day at school and things that Anya was doing. Sometimes we'd play games online together – Clarke was really good at checkers, but I was better at bejewelled.

Even though it didn't feel as short as two weeks, the year did end up passing by and before I knew it, it was time for Clarke to come back for another visit. She told me all the things she was packing and she said she got a new swimsuit cause she outgrew her old one. I told Uncle Gustus that Clarke got a new swimsuit, so the next day Uncle Gustus and Anya and I piled into the car and Uncle Gustus drove us all the way to Target. That day I got popcorn _and_ a new bathing suit. I wanted black this time because it made me feel grown up, even though Uncle Gustus and Anya said black would make me feel hot in the sun.

Clarke called me on her dad's cell phone three days before she was going to get here, and she said that the drive from Washington was gonna take them three whole days and that she wouldn't be on the computer to talk to me. They were gonna stop in some place called Nashville on the first day, then on the second day they would stop in Oklahoma City, and then they were gonna stop in Albuquerque on the third day, and then they'd be here in the morning time. This time, her mom wasn't coming with them right away, and would fly in a few times throughout the summer like the last time. But Jake and Clarke were coming for the whole two months.

I was so excited the day Clarke was supposed to get here that I woke up before the sun was even up. I ate breakfast early, took a shower, braided my own hair, brushed my teeth, and got dressed in my favourite shorts and tank top cause it was already super hot outside.

Uncle Gustus always woke up pretty early, but he was surprised to see me up so early. I usually slept in during the summer.

“Hey, Lexa, what are you doing up already?” Uncle Gustus asked me.

“Clarke's getting here today. You know, it takes her dad three whole days to drive here. That's such a long drive,” I said. Uncle Gustus smiled at me and hugged me.

“That is a real long drive, Lexa. Did you already eat breakfast?”

I nodded at him.

“I think I might just go outside and lay on the dock while I wait for Clarke. I'm so excited for her to come back! We're gonna have so much fun this summer. Do you think maybe we could go tubing on the river this time? She's a real good swimmer now, cause I taught her last year,” I said, already thinking about days tubing on the river. Tubing was the best, especially when Uncle Gustus was driving the boat, cause he whips you around just enough to make you feel like you're almost gonna barf, but you don't actually barf.

“Sure, Lexa, we can take the boat out and tube a few times,” Uncle Gustus said. “I'm glad you and Clarke have stayed in touch all year.”

“Me too. She's probably my most favourite friend.”

Uncle Gustus smiled at me and told me that if I wanted to, I could go and lay on the dock to wait for Clarke. So I went and I watched the clouds for a bit, and I noticed the sun getting higher and higher in the sky. It was almost in the middle of the sky when I heard tires against the gravel and dirt. I sat up so quick that I got dizzy, and before I even knew it, I heard Clarke scream my name.

“Lexa!”

I couldn't see properly, but I squinted where I thought Clarke was and I stood up on my wobbly, dizzy legs. Clarke ran into me and hugged me so tight that I really did almost fall into the river this time, but I don't think she meant to try to push me in. I hugged her back real tight and smiled.

“I missed you,” I said. She stopped hugging me and smiled at me real big. She looked pale again and I smiled at how white she was.

“I missed you too,” Clarke said. “Your hair looks lighter. And you got way taller.”

I smiled at her. I did get taller this year. Uncle Gustus had to buy me new pants because he said that everything I had was too short on me. He called all my short pants 'floods' but I don't know why.

“You got taller, too,” I replied. It was true, Clarke was almost as tall as me. But I was just a little bit taller, and I was proud of it. “Hey, what colour swimsuit did you get this year?”

“I got a blue and black one piece,” Clarke said. I nodded at her.

“I got all black. That kind of matches, right?” I asked.

Jake called over to us and interrupted my thought. I wanted Clarke and I to have matching bathing suits, cause who wouldn't want to match their favourite friend?

“Hey Lexa!” Jake said as he walked over to us. He high fived me, just like he did last year before they left. “Wanna come help Clarke and I unload the car?”

Clarke and I nodded and went over to the car, where we climbed in and pushed the suitcases out together. This year Clarke helped a lot, so it was more teamwork than last year. When we were done, Jake gave us a five dollar bill to get ice creams.

“Is Anya working at the convenience store this year?” Clarke asked me as we walked over. I shrugged at her.

“Kind of. She's working there today, with this new kid Lincoln. He's a nice friend. But Anya gets busy sometimes, she goes to lots of track meets even in the summer and still does rugby too. And she likes to go out to the sucky movie theatre with her friends, but I dunno why because that movie theatre sucks,” I replied. Clarke nodded.

“She's big now though, so I guess she has to hang out with her friends. High school kids do more things than just us kids, right?” Clarke said. I nodded at her. Anya did lots of things now that she was in high school.

When we walked into the store, Lincoln was restocking some shelves and Anya was sitting at the cask desk flipping through a magazine.

“Hey, squirt. Hey, Clarke! Did you just get in?” Anya said. Clarke smiled at her and nodded. “You guys probably wanna get some ice cream. It's really hot out today.”

Clarke nodded again and we went over to the ice cream freezer. Clarke chose an ice cream cookie sandwich and I chose the same. I started eating them ever since I saw Clarke eating them last summer, and they were definitely better than push pops.

Clarke handed Anya the money for the ice creams and didn't take the change. Clarke never takes her change and I don't understand why, but I never ask her about it.

“How's high school, Anya?” Clarke asked as she opened up her ice cream cookie sandwich. I grabbed lots of napkins from the cash desk. Clarke was probably still a really messy eater, and she never remembered to get napkins, so it's always my job.

“High school is hard, Clarke, but it's fun. I'm on the track team and on the rugby team. It keeps me pretty busy when I'm not around here.”

Clarke nodded.

“It definitely sounds fun,” she said, but she looked down at her ice cream sandwich and she looked kind of sad. “Anyway, see you around, Anya.”

“I'll probably see you at dinner tonight, Clarke. Don't think I'll go easy on you just cause it's your first day back – I don't know what Gustus is gonna make for dinner, but I do know that at least one piece of food will end up in your hair because of me,” Anya smiled at Clarke, and Clarke smiled back. Their food fights stressed me out so I did not smile.

I grabbed Clarke's hand and dragged her over to introduce her to Lincoln. Lincoln was already pretty tall, even though he was only a few years older than us, and he looked way scarier than he really was. He was pretty shy and quiet and I liked having him around. Clarke smiled at him and I think she liked him, too.

After I introduced Clarke to Lincoln, we went to the dock and we sat on the edge and dipped our toes into the river to cool off a little. It was already as hot as an oven outside, and even though my hair was tied into a braid down my back it still felt sticky against me. I put the napkins between Clarke and me so that we could share them, even though I knew that Clarke would use almost all of them and that I would maybe have to use one.

“Anya seems so grown up now,” Clarke said as she ate her ice cream. I nodded at her.

“Yeah, she isn't around a lot anymore. I miss her sometimes,” I said. Clarke nodded and looked sad.

“High school sounds cool though. One day we're gonna be old like her and we're gonna go to high school,” Clarke said. She frowned a little.

“What's wrong? You don't like high school?” I asked. I didn't like to see Clarke upset. She was my most favourite friend.

Clarke shook her head 'no' at me.

“I do like high school. Growing up and being able to do more things sounds fun...” She said. “I was just thinking, you're gonna go to high school just like Anya, and I'm gonna go too, but we won't get to go together, to the same school. Who knows if I'll even still be coming here when I'm in high school, maybe I'll get busy just like Anya said -”

“Hey, Clarke, stop. It's ok if we don't go to the same high school. And even if you never come back to this place again, it'll be ok. Cause we can still talk on the computer and maybe I could come to visit you in Washington D.C. I know that we're always gonna be friends,” I said, as I reached over to grab Clarke's hand that wasn't covered in ice cream and I held it real tight. I didn't want Clarke to get upset over that stuff, even though it was something that upset me when I would be trying to fall asleep at night and felt really alone. I would wish that Clarke lived here, or that I lived in Washington D.C. so that we could see each other every day.

“Hey, guess what though?” I asked, trying to distract Clarke from being sad. “My Uncle Gustus said that if you can still swim just like I taught you that we can go out on the river and he'll take us tubing!”

“Really?! That's so exciting, can we practice swimming right after these ice creams? You can show me your new bathing suit and I can show you mine!”

I nodded at Clarke and we finished our ice creams and Clarke used every single napkin I brought.

* * *

Three weeks before Clarke was gonna leave to go back to Washington, D.C., Gustus took us out all the way to Target. Clarke had been to Target lots, apparently, cause she wasn't even excited about the popcorn. I still shared my popcorn with her though, even though she wasn't excited about it. Gustus wanted to get Anya some new clothes for school, and he was trying to get me ready for back to school by trying to convince me that I really needed a new pack of 40 pencils.

“Uncle Gustus, I just borrow everyone else's pencils, you don't need to buy that,” I said as I handed Clarke the popcorn.

“Oh my god, people probably think we can't even afford pencils if you go around borrowing everyone's pencils!” Uncle Gustus said, and it sounded like he was trying to be quiet but I heard him anyway.

“No one thinks we can't afford pencils, we own the whole resort,” I said as I rolled my eyes at him. “I just don't like having to remember where I put my pencils, so I just borrow from the people who sit near me and then I remember to give it back to them at the end of the day.”

“Lexa, your pencils are supposed to go in a pencil case, jeez,” Anya said and now _she_ was the one rolling her eyes.

“But how can I remember where my pencils are if I have to remember where the pencil case is? I don't want to have to remember. Please just let me keep borrowing from everyone else,” I said, slowly trying to take the pack of pencils out of Uncle Gustus' hand. Gustus finally sighed and let me put the pack of 40 pencils back.

“Can Clarke and I look at other things that don't have to do with suckfest school now?” I begged. Gustus sighed again and said we could go look at the toys two aisles over.

Clarke handed me the popcorn while we walked over to the toys.

“Do you really not have a pencil case?” She asked me while she looked at a kit that was full of beads to build a bracelet.

“No, I don't like them. They take up too much space in my desk and it blocks my folders.”

Clarke smiled at me. “Raven and Octavia and I have matching pencil cases and we decorate them to match.”

For some reason, I didn't like the thought of Clarke matching things with anyone but me. But then I realized that that was a dumb thing to think because people at school sometimes wore the same things and matched each other, so Clarke and Raven and Octavia probably match lots of other girls too. They didn't match me, though.

I looked at the beads and bracelet kit that Clarke held in her hands.

“That's pretty cool,” I said. “Have you ever made a friendship bracelet before?”

Clarke shook her head 'no.' I smiled at her.

“I'm gonna tell Uncle Gustus we want this kit, and then when we get home today you and I can make friendship bracelets for each other! And that way when you're at school and you're far away from me, you can look at your friendship bracelet and remember how much fun we have together, and you can think of us tubing and you almost barfing in the river. And then you can show the bracelet to Raven and Octavia and they'll think it's so cool,” I said, smiling real big at Clarke now that I got this idea in my head. Maybe I couldn't match Clarke with her pencil case, but friendship bracelets are way cooler than pencil cases anyway.

Clarke smiled back at me just as big and nodded.

“That'll be so cool! Raven and Octavia will think it's so cool, they don't know how to make these bracelets at all,” Clarke mused as she looked down at the kit again. She looked up at me and I noticed her shoulders were starting to peel from her sunburn and I remembered last year when her nose peeled and then I remembered it was only a short time before Clarke left again. It made me sad.

“Clarke,” I said real quiet. Clarke nodded at me. “You're my best friend.”

Clarke smiled at me and hugged me tight even though she was still holding the bead kit.

“You're my best friend, too,” She said. “Even though we don't see each other all the time, and even though you laughed at me when I fell into the water when we went tubing.”

“I only laughed cause I knew you'd be okay cause I taught you how to swim,” I said while we still hugged.

When we got home that night, Clarke stayed over for dinner. Anya and her got into another food fight and I just don't understand how Uncle Gustus doesn't notice when peas and corn are constantly flying across the table. After it was over we made our friendship bracelets. Anya showed us how to braid the bracelets between the beads so it would look even cooler. Clarke chose a green bracelet cause she said it matched my eyes, so I chose blue to match Clarke's eyes. Anya rolled her eyes at us and went to hang out with her friends while we made the bracelets.

“What's your last name anyway?” Clarke asked me as we were choosing letters to spell our names.

“Woods. How do you spell Griffin?”

“G-R-I-F-F-I-N. But that'll take up a lot of beads. Maybe we should just put 'LEXA W' on mine and a few hearts and smiley faces, and on yours we can put 'CLARKE G' with hearts and smiley faces,” Clarke said as she sorted out the beads. I nodded at her. That was a good idea. The bracelets couldn't be too big, cause they had to fit us properly now, but they couldn't be too small either cause I wanted them to fit us forever.

When we were finished, we tied them onto each other. Clarke's bracelet said my name, and my bracelet said her name. On each of our bracelets we put two heart beads and two smiley face beads, so they matched perfect. We went over to the office after we were done to show Uncle Gustus and he smiled at us.

“Beautiful, girls. So creative!” He said. He pulled me and Clarke in for a hug before he told us that it was almost time for sunset and we could watch it on the dock if we wanted.

Abby and Jake were already standing on the dock with their arms wrapped around each other's middles, so Clarke and I tried to sneak up behind them to spook them and maybe scare them enough to make them fall into the river.

“We hear you, girls,” Abby said as she looked over her shoulder and smiled at us. “Want to sit in front of us and watch the sunset?”

Clarke nodded. I was apprehensive though. Sitting in front of Abby and Jake meant it'd be easy for them to push us into the river.

“Hang on, Clarke, they could push us in if we sit in front of them,” I said, holding Clarke back from walking to the edge of the dock to stick her toes in. Clarke rolled her eyes at me.

“Come on, Lexa, it's my mom and dad, they won't push us in.”

Clarke was wrong cause they totally did push us in.

* * *

When it came time for Clarke to leave, she came to my house early in the morning again, but this time she didn't need to wake me up cause I was already up.

“You're up early,” She said when she walked right on into my room.

“Yeah, cause you're leaving today,” I said from where I sat on my bed.

I hadn't fixed my hair yet but I was about to start braiding it. Clarke climbed onto my bed behind me.

“Can I braid your hair and then you can do mine?” Clarke asked me. I shrugged my shoulders at her.

Clarke grabbed my hair as tight as she could and put it in a ponytail. She grabbed the comb I had set out, and the water sprayer and she sprayed my hair with some water. She combed through it until she got to the pony tail, trying to make it as tight and neat as she could. When it was neat enough and all my small baby hairs were held in place, she started to section my hair in three pieces and she braided them together. When she got to the end, she tied the whole thing off with a hair elastic.

“Do mine now,” She said quietly.

We switched spots and I did hers just the same as mine. When I looked in the mirror, we looked perfectly matching. Clarke did a good job on my hair, and I was surprised.

“How did you learn to braid so good?”

“I asked Octavia to let me practice on her at home whenever I'd miss you real bad,” She said, looking down at her feet and seeming shy. I grabbed her and hugged her tight.

“I hope this year flies by super fast so that it'll feel like you only left for a short while before you come back again.”

Clarke nodded.

“I wish I could take you home with me, or that I lived here with you on the resort.”

“Me too.”

Clarke ate breakfast with me and Anya and Gustus and they didn't say anything about our matching hair. Before Clarke got into the car, we checked each other's bracelets to make sure they were on really tight and promised to talk to each other everyday just like always.

Jake high fived me and Clarke and I hugged real tight again and we both cried a little bit and then their car was leaving the resort and they were driving back home to Washington, D.C.


	3. When We Were 10

The year after Clarke left, the river and the sleepy town seemed to get even worse. The weather stayed hot all year, and even at Christmas, it was hot enough to wear short sleeves outside. There wasn't a lot of rain, and the river seemed to sink lower and lower every day. Uncle Gustus and Anya would talk about climate change and drought during dinner, and when I asked Uncle Gustus about what climate change was, I got scared and cried that night before I fell asleep. I didn't want the river to vanish one day. It was the only thing that was always there every single day, cause one day my parents were alive, and the next day they were dead, and then one day Anya liked to spend time with me and the next day she grew up and didn't want to anymore, and then one day Clarke showed up and then she left. Even though I hated this dumb town, and sometimes I even hated the resort, I never hated the river.

I told Clarke about climate change and she told me that it wasn't a big deal and that everything would be okay. That it would rain soon and that the river would be back to normal. And then she complained about the snow in Washington D.C. I told her I was jealous, cause I've never even seen snow in real life, and she told me that snow sucks harder than the fact that there isn't even a Target in town.

That was also the year when Anya won her first track meet, made MVP for the rugby team, and got caught doing inappropriate things with her boyfriend when Uncle Gustus and I came home from grocery shopping. She was grounded for a whole month and her boyfriend wasn't allowed to be in the house without Uncle Gustus here. When Uncle Gustus tucked me into bed that night, he said he hopes that I'll never get a boyfriend.

“Don't worry, Uncle Gustus. I'll never get one cause boys are gross,” I replied.

“Very true,” he said, and then he kissed me on the forehead.

The next day, I told Clarke about Anya getting caught with her boyfriend, and we both agreed that boys are gross and that we could no longer understand Anya at all. Anya told me at the dinner table that one day I won't think boys are gross. I told her she's a big fat liar.

Eventually Anya and her boyfriend broke up and she started to agree that boys  _are_ actually gross. I think Uncle Gustus was relieved, cause when Anya broke up with her boyfriend he went to the grocery store and bought cake and ice cream. 

After that, Anya started to spend more time around the resort again and she was helping out in the office and working in the convenience store. She still did track and rugby, but wasn't spending so much time hanging out at the bowling alley, or the burger place, or the movie theatre. I liked it better when Anya was home because she would sometimes help me with my homework, and she was better at helping than Uncle Gustus. Plus, now I didn't miss Anya not being around, cause she was around almost all the time. 

When it was almost summer and almost time for Clarke to come down, she said that Raven and Octavia were going to come down for three weeks. It kind of bummed me out when she said that, but I acted happy and excited for Clarke. I could tell she was excited to show her friends the river, and she said she wanted to take them tubing and swimming. I was kind of sad, cause I wasn't sure if I was gonna like Raven and Octavia, and they already got to spend all year with Clarke. Why couldn't I be the only one to spend time with her in the summer?

I told Anya and she said I was being selfish and that maybe Raven and Octavia would be my friends too.

“Maybe, but they won't be like Clarke,” I said. Anya nodded and she played with my braid.

“That's fine, Lexa, I don't think they want you to treat them just like you treat Clarke. She's your best friend,” She said. “But you have to remember just like you have other friends, like Rachel and Lincoln, Clarke has other friends too.”

I nodded and sighed. I knew Anya was right, but that didn't mean I had to like it.

School let out about a week before Clarke was supposed to get here, which meant that I had a whole week of working at the convenience store with Lincoln while Anya was working with Uncle Gustus in the office. I wasn't allowed to work in the office yet, on account of my lack of basic math skills, according to Uncle Gustus. I told Lincoln about Clarke bringing her friends down and he seemed excited. Everyone who lived in this town got pretty excited about new people they could meet, because everyone knew everyone else and people around here get boring.

Clarke messaged me three days before she was supposed to get here with Octavia and Raven, just like normal. She said her dad was excited to have more than one person to annoy with his constant singing during the drive. Clarke said she was excited because Abby bought her earplugs for the ride.

The morning that Clarke came, I woke up early just like always, except this year Uncle Gustus wasn't surprised to see me up so early. And this year, instead of laying on the dock to wait for Clarke, I stocked the shelves in the convenience store until about lunch time, and then I went and sat on the picnic table outside the convenience store to wait for Clarke and her friends.

I had butterflies in my tummy all morning thinking about Clarke and Raven and Octavia. What if they didn't like me? What if I didn't like them? What if they have really annoying laughs? What if they get upset if I laugh at them if they fall in the river when we go tubing?

The sound of Clarke's car pulling into the resort made me stop thinking cause I got so excited and nervous that I thought I was gonna throw up. But Clarke screamed my name and ran out of the car and I jumped off the picnic table and we ran into each other so hard we knocked the wind out of each other and it was just like always. She smelled like her shampoo, which was Herbal Essences, and I know that cause I asked her so that Uncle Gustus could buy it for me for whenever I missed her real bad. I could feel her friendship bracelet digging into my shoulder where she hugged me, and I smiled real big when I realized that she didn't take it off, cause I didn't take it off either. 

“You got taller,” I said, and it was true. This year Clarke was a little bit taller than me. Just a little bit though. I was gonna catch up. She was pale again, and it made me smile.

She smiled at me.

“I know,” She said. “You cut your hair shorter than usual.”

“Yeah, on account of it being so hot this year that I told Uncle Gustus that if I didn't cut it shorter, I would shave it all off with his razor,” I said, very serious. Clarke laughed at me.

Jake walked over with two other girls. One was kind of tan and had brown hair like me. The other wasn't as tan as the girl with brown hair, but she wasn't pale like Clarke, and this girl had really dark hair, almost black.

“Hey, kiddo, how's it going?” Jake said as he high fived me like always.

“Good, thank you,” I said, looking at the other two girls feeling kind of shy. Clarke smiled at her friends.

“Lexa, this is Octavia,” Clarke said as she pointed to the girl with black hair and green eyes that were lighter than mine. “And this is Raven.”

Then she pointed at the girl with brown hair like mine and the tan skin.

“Guys, this is Lexa,” Clarke said with a smile.

The girl named Raven smiled at me real big, while Octavia looked at me kind of shy, just like how I felt.

“We've heard lots about you,” Raven said as she kept smiling at me. I smiled back at her, because she seemed nice.

“Clarke said you taught her how to swim – is that true?” Octavia asked.

“Yeah, I did teach her,” I replied. Octavia looked impressed.

“Do you think, maybe, you could teach me? Raven tried to teach me but she gets frustrated with me sometimes,” Octavia said, blushing a little. I smiled at her.

“Yeah! We can practice swimming this afternoon if you want,” I said.

“But first,” Jake interrupted. “I need you all to help me unload the car. It's tradition, right Lexa?”

“Right,” I said, very serious.

We all walked over to the car and this time we were able to get all the suitcases out (and there were way more than usual) without even Jake's help. Jake was impressed with us and gave us ten dollars to go and get ice cream from the convenience store.

“Lexa's cousin Anya usually works at the convenience store. Is she there today, Lexa?” Clarke asked. She held my hand while we walked to the convenience store, and it felt nice. Usually we just grabbed each other and dragged each other around the resort, but holding Clarke's hand felt nicer than her just pulling my arm.

“Anya's working in the office today, but Lincoln is working the convenience store all by himself today. I helped him stock things this morning,” I said as we walked into the store. This time I introduced Lincoln to Octavia and Raven, and Octavia seemed even more shy when I introduced her to Lincoln.

We went over to the freezers and grabbed ice creams for all of us. Clarke and I chose ice cream cookie sandwiches, while Octavia chose a normal ice cream cone, and Raven chose a push pop. Clarke paid for the ice creams and didn't take her change while I grabbed enough napkins for all of us. I always brought extra for Clarke, though. We all decided to go to the dock to stick our toes in the water while we ate.

Raven was smiling at Octavia while we ate ice creams.

“I think Octavia has a crush,” Raven said, still smiling while Octavia looked into the river and blushed.

“Shut up, Raven, I totally do not,” Octavia said.

“Who can she even have a crush on? She's been here for two whole seconds,” Clarke said. She was already a mess from the ice cream cookie sandwich, so I passed her two napkins.

“She likes Lincoln!” Raven said in a fake whisper. Octavia blushed even redder than before.

“Boys are gross,” I said. “Lincoln is nice, but he's a boy, so he's gross.”

“You mean you don't have a crush on anyone, Lexa?” Raven asked me.

“No,” I said, looking down at my ice cream sandwich. “Do you all have crushes back home?”

“Octavia doesn't,” Clarke replied after wiping her mouth. “But Raven does!”

“Ew,” I replied.

“Clarke does too!” Octavia finally chimed in.

“I do not, Octavia!”

“She totally does,” Raven said to me with a smile. I felt kind of mad. Clarke never said she had a crush and we talked every day!

“You never told me you had a crush,” I said, trying not to sound mad. Clarke just got here, and I didn't want to be mad at her.

“That's because I don't!” Clarke said. “Boys  _are_ gross.” 

Raven smiled.

“Then why do you always invite Wells Jaha to your house?” She said. I already didn't like this Wells person. Who names someone Wells, anyway?

“He's my mom's best friend's son, I have to invite him over sometimes. Sometimes I don't even invite him over and my mom invites his dad and he comes with him!” Clarke replied. “We just play chess.”

“You know how to play chess?” I asked. Clarke nodded at me.

“She's real good at chess,” Octavia said. Clarke blushed at Octavia's compliment.

“Maybe I'll ask Uncle Gustus to pick up a chess set and you could teach me,” I said. Clarke smiled at me and nodded and she held my hand with her sticky ice cream hand, but I still liked it, even though she was messy.

We finished our ice creams and Clarke and Raven and Octavia went to their cabin to change into their swimsuits, and I went to my house to change into mine. This year, my bathing suit was blue to match my friendship bracelet and Clarke's eyes. After I got changed and fixed my hair, I went outside and got into the water to wait for Clarke and Raven and Octavia.

Clarke was the first one out, and she was wearing a black swimsuit like mine last year. I was already in the water, but Clarke forced me to get out because I forgot to put sunscreen on, and she always did my back and shoulders. She handed me an extra hat that she brought out just for me, and she wore one that matched. Raven and Octavia came out a few minutes after, and while Clarke and Raven played a game where they would catch a ball and named states with each throw, I taught Octavia how to swim.

* * *

Raven, Octavia, Clarke and I were all sitting in my living room watching TV because it was too hot outside to do anything. Clarke and I would've been fine outside in the heat, but Raven is kind of a baby when it comes to the heat. Octavia would've been fine too, cause she's pretty tough, but Raven says she prefers it inside. Clarke and I were sitting on the couch, and Raven and Octavia were sitting in front of us, with their backs resting against the bottom of the couch.

“Is your mom coming down this summer?” I whispered to Clarke. She nodded.

“She's gonna come a few days before Octavia and Raven leave, cause they're gonna head home with her, but I don't think she'll come again after that. She got a promotion at work and she says she can't take time off like she used to,” Clarke replied. I nodded at her.

We were holding hands while we watched TV. When I looked down at our hands, I noticed our friendship bracelets, and it made me feel happy.

I knew that Clarke's mom had been busy this year, cause Clarke had talked to me about it a little bit when we could chat on MSN, but I didn't know that she had gotten a promotion.

“Do you miss her?” I asked. Clarke nodded again.

“Yeah, but it's ok. I've got my dad,” Clarke smiled. I smiled back at her. “And I've got you.”

Anya walked in the door then, and was surprised to see us all inside.

“Hey, guys, what's up? Why aren't you outside?” Anya asked us as she sat down on the couch beside me and Clarke.

“If I go outside, I'll die,” Raven replied. Anya nodded at her.

“Pretty hot out today, I guess,” Anya said. She leaned back against the couch and rested her head and closed her eyes. Anya seemed pretty tired from working in the office, and working the convenience store, and still doing track and rugby.

“Anya, are you gonna take a nap?” I whispered to her. Anya opened one eye and looked at me.

“What's it look like, pipsqueak? Wake me up at dinnertime.”

“Not if you don't say please, I won't,” I replied. Anya frowned at me.

“Yeah, Anya,” Clarke said. “Say please.”

“Yeah, Anya, PLEASE!” Raven and Octavia chorused.

“I definitely won't say please,” Anya said, still frowning at all of us.

“Say please, Anya, say please!” Raven and Octavia sang. We all looked at each other and smiled and climbed on top of Anya. She was powerless against all of us, even though she was 15 years old. Raven and Octavia ticked her sides while Clarke and I held her down. Eventually, after a lot of yelling and laughing, Anya promised that she would say 'please' from now on.

“I'm not even tired anymore,” Anya mumbled after we all climbed off her and kept watching TV.

* * *

Raven and Octavia left with Clarke's mom a short while after the TV tickle fight incident, and while I missed Raven and Octavia, part of me was glad to have Clarke to myself. Raven and Octavia added me to their MSN so I could still talk to them when we wanted, but we didn't promise to talk every day like Clarke and I did.

Clarke would eat dinner at my house almost every day now, because somehow her dad's cooking managed to get even worse. He almost burned down the cabin at one point, so we decided that it was probably best for Jake to eat what he was best at making (sandwiches) and Clarke could get a normal meal with us. She and Anya had gotten more crafty after Gustus caught them throwing peas and corn at each other one time, so now they do this new thing where they wait until one of them is distracted, and then steal part of what's on the other person's plate. It still stresses me out, so I pretend I don't see it. 

One night about a week before Clarke would leave, Clarke asked her dad if she could sleep over at my place. Jake agreed, so Clarke came back after dinner and had her PJs, her toothbrush, and her clothes for the next day. We built a fort in the living room with all the pillows from the couch, and my pillows from my bed, and extra blankets and covers that Uncle Gustus brought out from the linen closet. He gave us two flashlights, turned on the fan in the living room, and said goodnight.

“Do you want to play truth or dare?” Clarke asked me. I nodded at her. She was undoing the braid in my hair so it would be easier to sleep in.

“Do you wanna ask first?” I said. Clarke shrugged.

“Truth or dare?” She asked.

“Truth,” I replied very quickly. I didn't want to choose dare because I liked the way it felt when Clarke undid the braid in my hair, and if Clarke dared me to do something, I'd have to move. She ran her fingers through my hair really gently, and never pulled, and it usually felt so nice that I thought I could fall asleep. But tonight, she was distracting me from sleeping with her truth or dare.

“Do you really not have any crushes on anybody?” Clarke asked me.

“I really don't have a crush on anybody,” I replied. Clarke looked sad when I said it.

“What's wrong?” I asked.

“Play the game,” Clarke replied.

“Truth or dare?” I asked, rolling my eyes at Clarke for not answering my question.

“Truth,” She said.

“What's wrong?” I asked  _again_ . 

“I thought... never mind, it's silly.”

“You lose the game if you don't tell the truth, Clarke.”

“I thought, maybe... that maybe you had a crush... on Raven or Octavia.”

I looked at her real confused.

“But they're girls,” I replied. Clarke shrugged her shoulders at me.

“My mom and dad say girls can marry girls,” She replied. “It's true, if they tell me so.”

I wanted to remind Clarke of the time they told her that they wouldn't push us in the river, and then they did push us in, but I decided not to.

“Oh,” I replied. “I never really thought about having a crush on a boy or on a girl.”

Clarke nodded at me.

“Truth or dare?” She asked.

“Truth,” I answered. She was still running her fingers through my hair and I still didn't want to move.

“Do you think, maybe, maybe not right now, but maybe later on, that you could have a crush on me?” Clarke asked. I looked at her real surprised. I liked Clarke a lot. She was my best friend, even though she didn't live here. She was my best friend always. But sometimes I did look at Clarke and think that I wasn't right to call her my best friend. She felt like more than just a best friend. She felt almost like Anya, except not family.

“I don't know, Clarke,” I answered her. “But...maybe. You're my best friend, right, no matter what?”

“Always, Lexa,” She said, real quiet. I looked at her face real close in the dim light from the flashlights, and I noticed that her forehead was starting to peel from her sunburn, and it reminded me that she was going to be leaving pretty soon. It reminded me that Clarke always left and how horrible I felt whenever she did leave and how much I'd miss her all year long, and how badly I wish she could stay even for just a little bit longer. Seeing her peeling sunburn made my hands hurt and my throat feel real tight. “I'll always be your best friend no matter what.”

“Then yes, I think so. I could have a crush on you, maybe, not right now, but maybe later on,” I answered. Clarke smiled a little and moved so she sat in front of me. She gestured to her hair, which I had braided for her this morning.

“Can you take out my braid now? I feel sleepy.”

* * *

The night before Clarke left, she slept over at my house inside the fort we built in my living room. That morning, she woke up, braided my hair, and then I braided hers. We brushed our teeth together in the bathroom, side by side and sharing the sink. She ate her favourite choco pop cereal and I ate it with her, and we both had a glass of milk. I started crying after breakfast and I couldn't stop, so Clarke cried too and she couldn't stop either.

We hugged each other when the car was loaded up and she was gonna leave again. My heart felt like someone stepped on it a thousand times and then ran it over with one of those fast racing cars and then an elephant stepped on it. And then Clarke got in her car and her dad drove home to Washington, D.C., and I stayed inside all day cause the drought was finally over and it poured rain outside, and I didn't stop crying until I fell asleep that night.

 


	4. When We Were 11

The year when I was in sixth grade, I got asked to the Halloween dance for the first time. I got asked by a boy named Aaron, and I didn't really want to have to go to the Halloween dance with him. But Lincoln and Anya said it would be rude if I didn't go with him after I'd already said yes. The only reason why I even said yes was because I felt embarrassed for him, and I didn't want to turn him down in front of all his friends. When I told Clarke about it, she said that I shouldn't go with him if I didn't want to. She said that if she lived here, she'd tell Aaron that I didn't want to go to the dance with him, and then she'd take me to the dance instead of him. I wished that Clarke lived here so I could go to the dance with her.

Anya dropped me off at the dance, cause Anya could drive now. She made me promise that I would dance with Aaron at least once, even though I really didn't want to. So I had to dance with Aaron. His hands were sweaty and he stepped on my toe so hard that I got a blister on my baby toe that filled with blood and it hurt so bad that I cried when Anya had to pop it that night when I got home.

“I'm never dancing with a gross boy ever again,” I said. “Clarke never steps on my toes when we dance together.”

Anya smiled as she put a bandaid on my toe and she braided my hair.

“Sorry I made you dance with him, hun,” Anya said as she ran her fingers through my hair. She was being really careful not to pull at my hair tonight, probably because I was already upset. “I promise that next time, I'll let you make your own decisions. If you don't want to go to the dance with someone, you don't have to.”

I sniffled and smiled at her a little. That night, Anya tucked me into bed instead of Uncle Gustus, cause Uncle Gustus was out with his friends at the bowling alley.

“Anya?” I asked before she left my room.

“Yeah, squirt?”

“Have you ever had a crush on a girl?”

Anya looked at me with a surprised face. I guess I had my answer.

“Nope. But it's normal to have a crush on a girl, Lexa. Do you have a crush on a girl?”

“No,” I said. I think I was lying though, because sometimes I would think about Clarke and maybe having a crush on her before I would fall asleep.

Anya smiled at me and said goodnight before she closed my door.

* * *

The rest of the year passed by without any more boys asking me to dances, and it was all pretty boring. Eventually, summer rolled in and school let out one week before Clarke was supposed to get here and it made me ridiculously happy to think of seeing her again. It had felt like I hadn't seen her in a really long time – like this year passed especially slowly, like torture.

This year, Clarke's mom and dad were both driving down at the same time, so they were able to get here in two days instead of three. Clarke's mom decided to take her vacation at the beginning of the summer before flying back to Washington, D.C. She was gonna spend two weeks here at the river. Jake would stay here all summer like normal, and so would Clarke. Octavia and Raven talked to me on MSN and said they weren't going to come this summer. They were going to stay at home and go to camp, but they said that they would probably come down next year instead. I was glad that I would get to see them again next year, because they were pretty fun.

The morning that Clarke was supposed to arrive, I woke up early just like all the years before. I couldn't sleep because I was so excited to see her again. I made breakfast, I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, and pulled on my favourite jeans and a black sleeveless top. Uncle Gustus told me that I could work at the convenience store this morning, and have the afternoon free to spend with Clarke.

Lincoln came in to work with me about an hour after I opened the convenience store, and it was a slow and quiet morning while we worked together. Time seemed to pass by even slower than normal, and my stomach was in knots waiting for the sound of tires on gravel.

“You're gonna wear a hole into the floor with how much you're pacing,” Lincoln told me with a smile. “Calm down. Relax. She'll get here.”

Eventually, I heard the sound I was waiting for, and I sprinted out of the store as soon as I heard it. I knew it wasn't lunch yet, and I wasn't supposed to leave until lunch, but I also knew that Lincoln would cover for me.

Clarke jumped out of the car as soon as it stopped moving and she sprinted over to me and hugged me. We hugged each other so hard it felt like my ribs were gonna bruise, but it wasn't anything like how horrible I felt when she wasn't around, so I just smiled and squeezed even tighter.

“I missed you so darn much,” Clarke said. “I thought summer was never gonna get here.”

“I missed you so darn much, too,” I said back.

Clarke and I were the same height. She smiled at me.

“Lexa...” She whispered with a shy smile on her face. “You got boobs!”

I looked down at my feet and couldn't help but feel heat creep up my chest and neck and cheeks at Clarke's words.

“Hey, Lex, it's okay!” Clarke said as she grabbed my cheeks with her hands, but gently, and pulled my face up to meet her eyes. “I got boobs too, all girls get boobs.”

Clarke hugged me again and even though I still felt a little embarrassed, this time when she hugged me I noticed that Clarke definitely did get boobs. 

“Hey girls!” Clarke's mom called out to us. She waved us over to the car, so we both went and immediately started to take out the suitcases, just like we did every year. Jake high fived me when he saw me, and Abby hugged me after Clarke and I got all the suitcases out of the car.

“Do you want to have a snack at my house instead of buying ice cream from the convenience store?” I asked. “I bought mint chocolate chip ice cream and baked cookies for you last night.”

Clarke smiled at me and nodded. I grabbed her hand and took her to my house.

“I didn't even know you knew how to bake,” Clarke said. I nodded at her.

“Uncle Gustus taught me how. Anya doesn't like cooking or baking, so Uncle Gustus says I need to learn so I'll be able to cook for Anya when we're older.”

Clarke nodded and sat at my table. I liked Clarke being in my house. I quickly grabbed the mint chocolate chip ice cream from the freezer, and grabbed two spoons and all the cookies I made.

“Maybe one day when we're older you can cook for me and Anya. Maybe I'll live here with you guys one day,” Clarke said. I handed her a spoon and put down all the cookies and ice cream on the table.

“I'd love that,” I said. “I'd love that a lot.”

* * *

A week after Clarke first got here, I woke up with really bad stomach pains. When I went to the bathroom, there was blood in my underwear and I nearly screamed. It was still really early in the morning, but my stomach felt like it was splitting in two and I was bleeding, but I didn't want to wake up Anya or Uncle Gustus because they're busy during the day and I didn't want them to feel tired all day long just because I was maybe dying.

Then I remembered that Abby was a doctor, and she didn't have things to do all day long since she was still here on vacation. I didn't even get dressed into normal clothes before I ran out of my house and passed the convenience store to get to the Griffins' cabin. I knocked on the door as urgently yet politely as I could. Abby answered the door in her pajamas and she looked sleepy and her hair was a real mess.

“Hi, Abby,” I said as I clutched my stomach.

“Lexa? What's wrong?” Abby said, quickly waking up now that I was hunched over with the pain.

“I woke up because my stomach feels like it's tearing itself in two, and I went to the bathroom and there was blood in my underwear,” I replied. “So maybe I'm dying?”

“Shit,” Abby said. That didn't sound too good. “Come inside, Lexa, you aren't dying.”

“What a relief,” I said through clenched teeth, still trying to hold my stomach together. “Clarke just got here, I don't wanna die yet.”

Abby stifled a laugh and led me into her house and closed the door to the cabin behind me. She went into her bathroom, and grabbed a few things.

“Alright, Lexa, we need to have a chat about lots of things, but first, you need to put one of these in your underwear,” Abby said as she handed me this square thing covered in a plastic wrapper. “It's called a pad and it'll stop you from bleeding all over everything.”

I nodded at Abby and excused myself to go to the bathroom. As soon as I put that thing in my underwear, I knew I wasn't gonna like any of what Abby had to say next.

After Abby spent almost two hours explaining to me what a period was, and consoling my sobbing when she told me I wasn't gonna be able to swim until it was over, she made me breakfast.

When Clarke woke up about half an hour later, she was absolutely shocked to see me at her house. Abby started making breakfast for Clarke while Clarke rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and stared at me.

“Lexa?” Clarke asked. “Why are you here so early?”

“I nearly died,” I said. Abby scoffed from behind me, while Clarke looked at me with wide eyes, and as if it was even possible, she got even paler than normal.

“She didn't nearly die,” Abby corrected me. “She got her period.”

Clarke sighed and she started to look a normal colour again.

“Well, that's normal, Lexa,” Clarke replied. “I got mine last month.”

I started at Clarke with wide eyes. She knew about periods and she didn't even tell me?!

“Why didn't you tell me?” I asked. Clarke shrugged.

“It's no big deal,” She replied. Abby put Clarke's breakfast down on the table. “It's just a normal part of growing up.”

“Well I sure as heck didn't know about it!” I said. “Now my favourite undies are ruined and I can't even swim till it's over.”

“It's okay, Lexa,” Clarke replied. She held my hand over the table and smiled at me. “After breakfast, I'll get dressed, and you can go back to your house and get dressed, and then I'll come over and I can take care of you all day! I'll make you ice cream sandwiches, and we can watch all your favourite movies, and I'll show you how to help with the cramps – you know, the things that make your stomach hurt? - and I'll braid your hair and give you massages!”

Suddenly, getting my period didn't sound so awful after all.

* * *

After breakfast, Abby came over to explain to Uncle Gustus and Anya why I was at their house all morning, and Uncle Gustus thanked Abby for explaining everything to me.

“Everything Anya knows about it is from the internet, but she got hers when she was a few years older than Lexa,” Uncle Gustus replied. Anya rolled her eyes at him and held her face in her hands. “I was hoping I had some more time before I had to have that conversation with Lexa.”

Abby smiled at him.

“It can be tough, and you're doing the absolute best you can – it's tough to raise two girls on your own. I'm just glad I was able to help,” Abby said. Uncle Gustus thanked her again and then Abby left.

“At least I'm not dying though, right?” I asked. Anya laughed so hard she nearly fell off her chair, and Uncle Gustus looked around the room, cleared his throat a lot, and searched for his keys for a long time before he said he had to go, which was weird, because he normally didn't leave this early.

“He's not good with girl stuff,” Anya said.

I shrugged at Anya and went to get dressed. Clarke came over a short while after and she really did all those things she said she would do, and I think I had the best day ever. It was even more special than my birthday, because Clarke was there.

* * *

A week after the bloody horror, everything was finally over and I was free to go swimming again, so Jake took out the boat. He drove us to a secluded cove, which I directed him to, and we all swam there and we brought a picnic lunch and Jake taught us how to fish. We caught a few fish, but Jake said he was a catch and release fisher, so each fish we caught, we released back into the water.

Clarke squealed every time she felt a bite, and then when she would reel it in, there would be no fish on her hook.

“You gotta stop squealing, you're probably scaring the fish away,” Jake said, shaking his head at Clarke, but still smiling at her.

“Fish are gross,” I said. “They're slimy and they smell.”

“The lunch lady makes fish fingers on Wednesdays at school,” Clarke said with a grimace. “I bring lunch from home those days cause I hate fish fingers.”

Jake rolled his eyes at us.

“Come on, then, girls, let's put all the fishing rods away. It's almost sunset, so we should head back to dock,” He said, pulling in his line and doing the same for me and Clarke. I was glad to be heading back to the resort, because Clarke was going to sleep over tonight.

“Wanna bake cookies with me tonight during our sleepover?” I asked her. Clarke smiled at me so big I thought her face was gonna split in half. She looked so happy here at the river, with the sun shining behind her blonde hair, which was messed up and she had small baby hairs sticking up all over the place. The sun made it look like she had a halo around her head and I smiled.

“You really wanna bake with me? I'm just as bad at cooking as my dad,” Clarke said, but she was still smiling at me.

I grabbed her hand and sat down next to her on the chair, scooting really close so my leg and her leg were touching.

“I'll teach you how to bake the best cookies in the world,” I said. Clarke rested her head on my shoulder the whole way back to the resort.

* * *

“Clarke, the flour is supposed to go in the bowl, not all over the kitchen!”

“Sorry, sorry, it exploded! I didn't know it would explode! Why would it explode?!” Clarke said, surrounded by a halo of flour dust. I severely overestimated Clarke's cooking abilities. I had no idea that someone could possibly be so bad at making food. It's a basic survival skill.

“It's okay, it's okay, let's just...remember for next time that flour must go in the bowl  _gently_ so that it doesn't explode,” I said, tugging on my braid a little because I felt pretty overwhelmed by the sheer amount of flour that was now coating my kitchen counters. 

“I'm sorry, Lexa, I promise next time I'll remember. I'll help you clean up, obviously, since I'm the one who's making all the mess,” Clarke said. She shook her head and then ran her fingers through her hair. “Sorry, Lexa, I'm really sorry.”

I smiled at Clarke and dropped the stupid spatula and stopped worrying about the dumb flour. Clarke looked so upset with herself, and it really wasn't a big deal at all.

“Hey,” I said. I grabbed Clarke's hands and took them out of her hair, which now had a teeny bit of flour in it. She also had a bit of flour on her forehead, so I wiped it off. “It's really okay. You know that saying, 'don't cry over spilt milk?' Well, it applies here, too - don't get upset over exploded flour.”

Clarke smiled at me and she blushed a little and I smiled back at her. She hugged me, and I hugged her back, and thought about how badly I wished she could be here every single day like this.

We got our act together after that and finished the dough for the cookies. Clarke laid them out in little blobs on the baking sheet, with some direction from me - “No, Clarke, that's too close... okay, a little closer than that, Clarke...yup, that's perfect!” - and eventually we got those things in the oven to bake. Clarke was so proud of herself while we cleaned the kitchen and waited for the cookies to finish baking. When they were brown around the edges just right, I took them out of the oven and put them on a cooling rack.

“I can't believe we just baked cookies together!” Clarke said, smiling really big at me and excitedly hopping from one foot to the other. “I can't believe I baked something! I know you helped a lot, well, really you did most of the work and I barely helped at all, but -”

“Hey, that's not true! You helped a lot, Clarke,” I said, smiling at how happy and excited Clarke was. “Besides, baking cookies with you is a lot more fun than baking cookies by myself while Anya rolls her eyes at every mistake I make.”

“I heard that!” Anya called from the living room.

“GOOD!” I shouted back.

Clarke laughed so hard at Anya and I that she cried.

* * *

That night, after Clarke and I ate about four cookies each, we built the fort in the living room, and grabbed the two flashlights, just like we always did on sleepover days. Clarke was running her fingers through my hair, not because she was taking it out of its braid, but because she said she just wanted to. We switched pillows tonight, because I liked the way Clarke's smelled (just like her), and Clarke said she liked the way my pillow smelled (just like me).

“Hey, Lexa?” Clarke asked me.

“Mmhm?” I said. I felt a little tired because the way Clarke's fingers were gently pulling through my hair was really relaxing, and the pillow I was laying on smelled like Clarke, and I could hear Clarke breathing really close by.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Clarke asked me. I shook my head at her.

“Have you?” I asked.

“No,” Clarke said. She had to answer out loud cause I had my eyes closed, so I couldn't see if she shook her head or nodded. I heard her moving around a little bit, and her fingers stopped playing with my hair.

“What are you-”

I had to stop what I was saying, because I felt Clarke's lips on my cheek. She kissed me. It was on the cheek, but it was still a kiss.

“I wanted to kiss you,” Clarke said. “You're my best friend.”

I opened my eyes then.

“You're my best friend, too,” I replied. I bit my lip a little and thought about how my cheek burned now that Clarke had kissed it. I wanted her to feel the same way – the same burning on her skin, the same butterflies in her stomach, the same pounding in her chest. “Can I kiss you back?”

Clarke nodded at me and she laid down on the pillow next to me. I leaned over her, and held myself up with my hands so I didn't crush her as I leaned over her. I moved slowly, while Clarke closed her eyes. I was probably just millimetres away from her cheek when I felt Clarke shiver underneath me. 

“Just do it, Lex,” Clarke whispered. So I leaned down and I closed my eyes and I pressed my lips against Clarke's cheek. My lips tingled. When I pulled away just a little, but still stayed hovering over top of her, Clarke's eyes opened. Her eyes looked different – still blue, still beautiful, but different.

I cleared my throat and stopped hovering over Clarke. I went to lie back down on her pillow. After a few moments, Clarke moved closer to me.

“Can I snuggle you? Just for a little bit?” Clarke asked me.

“Of course,” I answered.

I was laying on my back, and Clarke scooted so she was close to me, and she laid on her side, so the front of her body was pressed against my side. She put her head on my chest, right over my heart, and she said she liked the sound of my heartbeat. She was asleep a few moments later, but my heart still felt like it was going to pound out of my chest and my lips still tingled and my cheek still burned.

* * *

After that day, Clarke kissed me on the cheek every once in a while. She usually did it during our sleepovers, but she did it once while we were swimming. We were always alone when she kissed me on the cheek though.

The summer seemed to pass by faster than usual, and before I knew it, Clarke's sunburn was peeling, revealing a nice tan underneath, and then it was the day before she had to leave. We baked cookies again that night, and made a double batch, so Clarke could take half home with her, or eat it during the car ride. Clarke was getting really good at baking, and didn't really need my help anymore.

“Hey, Lexa?” Clarke asked while she was scooping the dough onto the baking sheet.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think you could write out the recipe for me?” Clarke asked. I shrugged at her.

“Sure. Why?” I asked.

“When I go home, I miss you really bad some days. Like, usually on the weekends, I miss you so bad I have to call Octavia over so I can braid her hair. It's not the same as being with you, but braiding someone's hair reminds me of you,” Clarke said. I nodded, but I still didn't understand why she wanted the recipe. “So if you give me the recipe, maybe on those days when I miss you really bad, I can bake these cookies and think about how you taught me how to make them and maybe it'll help me feel better.”

I smiled at Clarke and hugged her real tight even though she was still holding the spoon covered in cookie dough and she had cookie dough on her hands.

“I'll go write out the recipe for you.”

That night, after we ate some cookies, we went to bed in the living room fort. Clarke snuggled into my side, and I wondered if she could hear my heart breaking at the thought of her leaving tomorrow morning. I could barely sleep that night. That morning, my heart and my stomach hurt so bad that I had to run to the bathroom as soon as I woke up, and I dry heaved over the toilet bowl.

“Lex, are you okay?” Clarke said, holding my hair back as my stomach kept dry heaving. I had heard Clarke running after me while I ran to the bathroom. “Please be okay, Lexa.”

After my stomach stopped heaving and killing me, I sat on the floor of the bathroom. I was really glad I didn't throw up. I hadn't thrown up in years.

“What's wrong?” Clarke asked me. She sat in front of me, cross-legged, and moved my hair out of my face with her fingers, really gentle.

“It's gonna kill me to watch you leave today,” I whispered. Clarke's eyes filled with tears.

“You know, last year, after I left, I cried all the way to Albuquerque, and even when we got to the motel, I couldn't stop crying,” Clarke said. A few tears fell down her cheeks. “It hurts my chest so bad to leave you.”

I nodded at her.

“It hurts  _my_ chest so bad to watch you leave, cause there's nothing I can do to stop it,” I replied.

Clarke nodded and looked at me right in the eyes.

“One day, I won't leave you. One day, we'll be together. We'll be together every day. I'll wake up and see your face first thing in the morning, and I'll go to sleep and I'll see your face last thing at night,” Clarke said. “The thought of that one day when I won't have to leave you is the only thing that keeps me from crying sometimes.”

I felt my own eyes fill up with tears at what Clarke was describing, because it was all I ever wanted, but I couldn't have it right now.

“So I'm sharing that with you, Lex,” Clarke whispered. “Think of that day when I won't leave, and when we'll be together every single day. Think of that day whenever it gets really tough, okay? Promise?”

“I promise,” I whispered. Clarke leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and hugged me real tight.

I thought of that day when I watched Clarke's dad pull out of the marina that morning. It made it a little easier, but I still cried all day long after she left.

 


	5. When We Were 12

That year, I baked a lot of cookies and avoided a lot of boys. I got asked to the Halloween dance _and_ the Spring Fling dance, but I said no because I still didn't want to go to the dance with any of the boys who asked me. It was weird, because all my friends didn't think boys were gross anymore. Rachel got a boyfriend. Not like a serious boyfriend, but a boyfriend where he has to eat lunch with you and take you to dances. A few boys asked me to be their girlfriend, but I said no every time. I didn't have crushes on those boys.

Every day, I would get home and talk to Clarke. She would tell me about her day, about Raven and Octavia, about her friend Wells. Clarke told me one day that Wells told Clarke he had a crush on her, and I cried that night. I knew then that I had a crush on Clarke. I couldn't tell her though, because she was still upset at Wells for telling her about his crush on her. Clarke said she felt like he was being selfish, and putting himself before their friendship. She said if he really cared about her, he wouldn't tell her that, because now he didn't feel like a friend anymore. She said she didn't have a crush on him, but she couldn't look at him like a friend. She looked at him like someone who broke her trust. If I told Clarke that I had a crush on her, she'd think of me the same way and I think I'd rather cut off my left foot than have Clarke hate me.

Octavia messaged me a few times, and we always ended up talking about what Lincoln was doing. It got to a point where I just gave Octavia his Skype (we became modern and switched to Skype after everyone stopped using MSN) – I was tired of answering questions about him. I started to think that everyone had gone boy crazy, and I was left behind.

Uncle Gustus said it was okay not to be interested in boys, or going to dances. Anya said the same thing. But I think they both knew that I was really interested in someone else. Sometimes I would tell Anya about Clarke, about how much I missed her, or about what she was learning at school, and Anya would smile at me and get this look in her eye like she knew my secret.

Eventually, the year passed by, and school let out a week before Clarke was going to arrive. This time, her mom was going to come to the river in one month. She was going to bring Raven and Octavia with her, stay for two weeks, and then Raven, Octavia, and Abby would all go home. Clarke and her dad were staying for the whole summer, just like always.

The night before Clarke was supposed to get here, I baked her a cake from scratch. I don't even know why. It wasn't her birthday, it wasn't anyone's birthday. I just wanted to bake her a cake. Maybe this summer I could teach her how to bake cakes, or brownies.

Clarke arrived earlier than usual in the morning. Normally, I'd be able to work a morning shift at the convenience store before Clarke arrived, but I had barely finished getting dressed before I heard tires on gravel. I heard running footsteps on gravel, so I ran to my front door and opened it as quickly as I could. No one else was even awake yet.

As soon as I opened the door, I saw her running towards me, with a massive smile on her face as soon as she saw me. She didn't scream my name this year, because everyone was basically still sleeping. She ran right into me and knocked me over onto my carpeted floor, and she kind of winded me, but I didn't care even a little bit because Clarke was back.

“Ow, Clarke,” I said, laughing a little. She didn't even try to get off me.

“I missed you so damn much, I'm allowed to tackle you!” Clarke replied. I laughed again. Being tackled by Clarke was awesome. I was so glad to see Clarke that she could probably punch me in the face and I wouldn't even care.

“I missed you so damn much, too,” I replied. Clarke snuggled into my neck, and I shivered. “I baked you a whole cake.”

“It's not even my birthday,” Clarke sang. I rolled my eyes. “But she wanna lick the icing off.”

“Stop making Rihanna references,” I replied. Clarke lifted her chest off me and sat on top of my thighs. She started moving around on top of me, wiggling around like she was dancing.

“I know you want it in the worst way, can't wait to blow my candles out,” She sang. “She want that cake, cake, cake, cake, cake...”

“Oh my god,” I rolled my eyes so hard at Clarke that they started to hurt.

Clarke laughed and rolled off me, and I couldn't help but think she really couldn't have any idea just how right she was – I did want her in the worst way. I groaned and threw my arm over my eyes. I was screwed.

* * *

After Clarke and I unloaded her car, we went back to my house and I cut Clarke a big piece of cake.

“Have a piece with me, Lex,” She said, her mouth covered in chocolate icing. I thought about leaning over and wiping that icing off with my finger and then eating it, but I decided against it and just handed Clarke a few napkins.

“Okay,” I replied. I cut myself a smaller piece than what I gave to Clarke, mostly because I could barely wrap my head around the idea of cake for breakfast. It was totally not normal for me to eat something so sweet for breakfast. Normally, I'd make myself a slice of toast, but today wasn't a normal day, because Clarke was here. I was celebrating.

Anya woke up while Clarke and I were still eating breakfast. Her hair was a real mess, and she looked totally shocked to see Clarke sitting at our table.

“What the hell are you doing here already?” Anya asked. That was actually a good question – I'd totally forgot to ask Clarke why she was here, like, five hours earlier than usual.

Clarke smiled at Anya.

“Missed you too, Anya!” Clarke replied with a smile. “I forced my dad to drive through the night. We drove straight from Oklahoma City.”

“Holy shit,” Anya said. “That's, like, a fifteen hour drive. You had to cross three whole states. Is your dad even _alive_ after that?”

Clarke shrugged. “He's sleeping now. I just couldn't wait any longer. I had to get here.”

Clarke looked down at her plate of cake, trying to avoid my gaze, but I noticed her blush against her pale skin. It made me smile. At least I knew that Clarke clearly missed me as much as I missed her. Some days, it felt like I would rather hitch hike across the country, or walk all the way to Washington D.C., than be without Clarke for another day.

“Oh,” Anya replied. “Well, glad to have you back.”

Clarke smiled. When Anya was walking by, Clarke smeared chocolate icing on Anya's arm.

“It's too early for this shit,” Anya mumbled.

* * *

Two weeks after Clarke first got here, we were swimming in the river. The sun was beating down on my shoulders, and Clarke had already put sunscreen on me three times. I loved the heat. Clarke was already red from the sun, but she loved swimming just as much as I did, and even though she knew it wasn't good to constantly sunburn, she just couldn't stay out of the water.

“Octavia and Raven are gonna get here in two weeks,” Clarke mused as we floated on our backs in the river. We held hands to keep our bodies from floating away from each other.

“Yeah. Are you excited?” I asked.

“Mmhm. I think Octavia is really excited to see Lincoln again. They've been talking on Skype a lot this year.”

“I know,” I replied. “I'm the one who gave Octavia Lincoln's skype name.”

Clarke looked over at me, trying to avoid messing up her floating balance, and she smiled a little.

“You never liked Lincoln as more than a friend, right?” She asked me.

“Ew, Clarke,” I replied. “Lincoln's nice, but boys are gross.”

Clarke laughed.

“Boys aren't gross, Lexa,” Clarke replied. “You must have a crush on someone. Some boy in your grade, or maybe the year above you.”

I started to feel upset then. Betrayed almost. Clarke had always agreed with me that boys _are_ gross, and suddenly they aren't gross anymore? Was she going to go boy crazy too, just like Rachel and all the other girls in my class? Was I going to be the only girl who never cared about boys?

“I don't care about any boys, Clarke,” I replied. I think my tone let Clarke know that I was upset with her, because she pulled herself closer to me in the water.

“That's okay,” Clarke said. “I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to. It's okay not to like boys. Remember? Girls can marry girls, too.”

I let go of Clarke's hand.

“Not everything is like you say,” I replied. “You said your parents wouldn't push us into the water three years ago, and they did. Just because you say girls can marry girls doesn't mean it's okay for girls to marry girls.”

“Lexa,” Clarke stopped floating then. I had stopped floating too. Now we were both just standing in the water. “What did I say? What did I do wrong? Why are you mad at me?”

I shook my head and closed my eyes. I felt so stupid. I was starting some dumb fight with Clarke when she was only here for a short time. I shouldn't be wasting time fighting with her. I only got to spend two months out of the entire year with her, and here I was picking some dumb fight.

“It's nothing, just forget I said anything,” I replied. Clarke shook her head.

“Lexa, please,” She said. She grabbed my hand and smoothed her thumb over the back of my hand. “I'm sorry for whatever I said.”

“Clarke, you don't have to apologize,” I said. “It was me. I was being dumb.”

“No, you weren't,” Clarke said, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “You weren't comfortable with my questions and I pushed you and kept asking them anyways. That's not okay.”

I sighed and grabbed Clarke's face with my wet hands.

“Look at me,” I said, and she did. “I just... don't like boys. Not like Rachel likes boys, or Octavia, or Raven, or any of the girls in my class.”

Clarke nodded at me.

“It's okay,” She said quietly. “I'll always be your best friend no matter what, remember?”

I nodded at her. Clarke was right – she would always be my best friend. I was just starting to realize that I also wanted her to be more than that. I don't even know what I meant by 'more,' but I knew that Clarke made my heart beat faster than anyone else in the entire world. Being close to her made me sleep easier at night. Even though she was only here a few months out of the entire year, Clarke's blue eyes and her sunburned skin and her blonde, messy hair felt like home.

* * *

Raven and Octavia showed up with Clarke's mom two weeks later. Octavia spent most of her time with Lincoln, much to Raven's dismay.

“We were supposed to spend time together this summer, all four of us!” Raven said, clearly upset at Octavia, who was talking to Lincoln in the convenience store. “She's flirting with a 14 year old boy! What does he even want with her?”

Clarke and I shrugged.

“Raven, don't you want to swim? Or something? Cause we've been staring at Octavia and Lincoln for half an hour now,” Clarke said. Raven glared at her. “Or maybe not...”

I took matters into my own hands at that point. Clarke was clearly bored, and I was feeling pretty bored too.

I marched right into the convenience store and walked right up to Octavia and Lincoln.

“So, Clarke and Raven and I were thinking of going on a hike. Octavia, do you want to come? Lincoln, you can come if you can get Anya to watch the store for a few hours.”

Octavia shrugged, but nodded her head once she heard Lincoln agree to come on the hike with all of us.

I walked out of the convenience store with Lincoln and Octavia following me.

“I'm gonna go find Anya, I'll be back in two minutes,” Lincoln said. Octavia stared after him fondly.

“We're going on a hike,” I said to Clarke and Raven. Clarke looked relieved, but Raven was giving Octavia a dirty look.

“Jeez, Octavia, why don't you just MARRY HIM ALREADY?”

I looked at Clarke, who seemed just as appalled at Raven's outburst as I was. Octavia seemed so taken aback that she didn't even have a response for Raven, but the look in her eye said that Raven was in for a very serious fight later on.

“Don't talk to me that way,” Octavia threatened. Her voice was really deep, and really even, like she wasn't even upset at all. Whenever Anya talked like that, I knew that she was really angry. I could tell that Octavia was feeling the same way.

Raven softened, and clearly already regretted her words.

“O, I'm sorry, I really... I didn't mean it like that-”

“How else could you have _possibly_ meant it, Raven?” Octavia was still talking in that really even voice, and I considered grabbing Clarke's hand and seeking shelter nearby because this fight was about to get explosive.

“I'm sorry, O, I just thought this summer was about us girls spending time together and now you can't stop spending time with Lincoln and I just miss my best friend, okay?!” Raven replied. She was fidgeting around a lot and avoiding Octavia's gaze. Clearly uncomfortable.

“Talking to me that way isn't okay,” Octavia said. It was clear that she got the last word.

The hike was ridiculously awkward after that. Raven looked sad, Octavia looked pissed, Lincoln looked confused. Clarke turned to me and shook her head.

“Do you know how impossible it's gonna be to share a room with those two tonight?” She asked me.

“You can always spend the night at my place, if you want,” I offered. “I wouldn't want to spend the night with them either. They might get involved in some kind of gladiator, fight-to-the-death kind of thing.”

“Don't give them any ideas,” Clarke said.

* * *

It was tough to say goodbye to Raven and Octavia this year, probably because I started referring to them as 'my friends' sometime after Raven and Octavia's fight. It wasn't as tough as saying goodbye to Clarke though, so in comparison, it was rather easy.

After they left, things between Clarke and me got complicated. I knew our time was limited, and that Clarke was leaving soon. We only had two more weeks together. Since I knew she was leaving soon, I was debating between whether I should tell her about my crush or not. Part of me wanted to tell her because I never really kept any secrets from Clarke. But part of me was terrified that she wouldn't see me that way. That she was never interested in me in any way other than some friend that she had at the river. Some river girl who was too small town for her, who was someone who she spent time with during the summer, a friend, but nothing more.

* * *

Clarke was spending the night, and we were baking brownies. It was only one week before she was supposed to leave. Clarke's cooking and baking skills had improved quite a lot since last year's flour explosion incident.

“Is there _anything_ you can't do, Lexa?” Clarke asked me as I poured the batter into the baking sheet. Yeah, Clarke, there are lots of things I can't do. I can't tell you I have a massive crush on you because I'm terrified that you won't like me back. I can't spend every day with you, because you live so far away. I can't do lots of things, and most of the things I can't do are things I _really want_ to do.

“Yes,” I replied. “I can't juggle.”

Clarke laughed as she scraped the rest of the batter out of the bowl with the spatula.

“I can't juggle either,” Clarke replied. When I looked over at her, I noticed for the first time that she was starting to get freckles from the sun. They dotted her nose and cheeks, just a little bit, but noticeable if you looked close enough. They were on her shoulders and her back, just a little bit, too.

I liked her freckles. It was like a reminder of the river even when she wasn't peeling and sunburned. A reminder of our summers together. A reminder of our time together, a reminder that was permanent.

That night, after Clarke and I ate a brownie each, we were laying down in our living room fort. I was playing with Clarke's hair, running my fingers through it as gently as possible. I loved Clarke's blonde hair. Even in the dim light of the fort, it looked glowing. She was so beautiful.

“Clarke,” I whispered.

“Mmhm?” Clarke whispered back.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” I asked, smiling a little at the memory of last year. This year, I wanted to kiss Clarke so badly that I thought that if I didn't, I would probably regret it forever.

“No,” She replied. “Have you?”

“No,” I answered. “Have you ever wanted to kiss someone?”

Clarke opened her eyes and looked at me, and her eyes looked different again, just like last year when I kissed her on the cheek.

“Yes,” She whispered back so quietly I really almost didn't hear her. “So badly.”

I nodded at her.

“I know,” I whispered. Clarke reached her hand up to touch my cheek, the same cheek where she kissed me last year. Her thumb stroked slowly and softly against my skin, and it burned just like when she kissed me.

“Just do it, Lex,” She whispered. My insides felt surprised, but my outsides didn't show it. I think that meant Clarke wanted me to kiss her, because that's what she said to me last year just before I kissed her on the cheek.

So I rested my hands on either side of her head, which was on my pillow (she liked the way it smelled). My chest was pressing against hers, but I was holding most of my weight so that I wouldn't crush her. I looked at her eyes, closer than I had all summer long, and I could just tell that this was what she wanted. She didn't need to ask me twice.

I leaned down and pressed my lips against hers really gently. Her lips felt so soft against mine, softer than I had ever even imagined. My lips tingled as I kissed her. It was only for a few seconds, and I don't think either of us knew what we were doing, but that kiss made me feel so crazy good that I wanted to do it for hours and hours and hours. Forever. But I only wanted to do it with Clarke.

Even though I had pulled away, I hadn't opened my eyes. Clarke's thumb rubbed against my cheek gently, again.

“Hey,” She whispered. “It's okay. Best friends can kiss.”

I nodded, but I couldn't look in her eyes when she said that to me, because I knew that her words were lying to me, and that her eyes would tell me the truth. Best friends don't kiss like that. I didn't want to be just Clarke's best friend. Clarke's river girl best friend. And I don't think that Clarke wanted me to be just her best friend. But that's what her words said, so I went back to my own pillow (which was really Clarke's pillow) and pretended to sleep.

* * *

It was time for Clarke to leave. The night before she left, we slept in my small bed together. I wanted to be as close to her as possible, and Clarke said she wanted the same. I woke up before the sun had risen, and I watched Clarke sleep for a little bit. I felt like I shouldn't be doing that, but she looked so quiet, so relaxed. I couldn't help myself.

“Best friends don't kiss like that,” I whispered as I watched Clarke sleep. Except when I said those words, her eyes opened and she leaned into me.

“We've never been just best friends, and you know it,” She answered. She wrapped her arm around me and she snuggled into me.

I guess I did know it before, but I definitely knew it now.

“Please don't leave,” I whispered. Clarke pressed herself into my chest even more.

“You know I can't stay,” Clarke whispered back. “I can wish on a billion shooting stars and a million birthday cakes, but no matter how many times I wish, I can never stay and summer always ends.”

“I know,” I said. “But one day you won't leave.”

“One day I won't leave,” Clarke said.

But that day, Clarke did leave. Jake packed up their car, full of suitcases, and Clarke and I hugged and I swear I thought that one day it would be easy to say goodbye to Clarke, that it wouldn't hurt this much, but that day never came.  


	6. When We Were 13

That year, a lot of things changed. Boys stopped asking me to dances, and everyone at school called me a prude because I wasn't interested in boys. Even though Rachel was my friend, I couldn't tell her how I really felt. How my heart didn't beat the same way for boys as it did for Clarke. How I wanted to kiss Clarke's lips forever, but I couldn't even imagine kissing a boy. I couldn't tell anyone, except Clarke, but Clarke already knew, and she was all the way in Washington, D.C.

One day, Anya sat me down at the table, and I knew it was a big deal because she handed me cookies that she bought from the store. Since Anya can't bake or cook at all, store bought was pretty much as good as it got.

“We need to talk,” Anya said. Her tone was serious, and she didn't smile at all, and I felt nervous. “About Clarke.”

Part of me felt relieved, but another part of me felt absolutely terrified when she said that.

“What about her?” I asked. She looked at me in a way that said that I should know what this conversation was going to be about. This reminded me of the way Anya would look at me sometimes when I would tell her about Clarke, like she knew how I felt for Clarke.

“I know how you feel about her,” Anya said. “And I need to protect you, Lexa. Clarke is your best friend, and I know how much she means to you. But this will never work. She leaves you every year and every time she leaves, it's like you're a zombie the whole week after she leaves. You only start to get back to normal when you go back to school.

“Clarke is a great girl, Lexa, please don't think that I don't like Clarke. I do like Clarke,” Anya continued. “She's an amazing friend to you, and I know she cares about you just as much as you care about her. But don't be a fool. Clarke lives in Washington, D.C. She doesn't live here in Laughlin. She's never gonna stay in this town, Lex.”

“No, Anya, you're wrong,” I said, as calmly as I could even though I was trying to fight through the tightness in my throat and the tears that built up. “She promised me. One day she isn't gonna leave and we're gonna be together every day.”

“Sweetheart,” Anya said quietly. She reached over and grabbed my hand over the table, and it reminded me of all the times Clarke did that, and I wanted to pull my hand away. “I wish it were true, but it can't be true. Clarke has a real future in Washington. What's gonna happen when she starts to go to University? When you start to go to University? Will you go to school together? What happens after that, after you graduate? Will she come back here to live with you and run the resort? One day, Clarke is gonna stop spending her summers here, and it's gonna crush you.”

“You're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong,” I argued. I was already crying, and my voice was thick with tears, and I knew I was being immature, but it felt like my worst fears were being told to me by someone who I loved and who I thought loved Clarke. “You're wrong about her. She's not just gonna abandon me. I would never let her and she would never do that!”

Anya stood up and walked over behind my chair. She ran her fingers through my hair and tried to calm me down, but I couldn't stop crying, so I put my head down on the table and I just stayed there for a while.

“I'm sorry, Lexa,” Anya said. “I don't want to upset you. I just want what's best for you. I don't want you to get hurt.”

I stood up from my seat, walked into my bedroom, and stayed there for the rest of the night. I didn't talk to Clarke that day because I didn't want to see Anya again and the computer was in the living room. I couldn't sleep that night because Anya's words got stuck in my head and they made it hard for me to breathe because I think I knew that maybe she was right.

* * *

At Christmas, Uncle Gustus bought me a brand new bed that was big enough for two people, and I got so excited about it that I hugged him for probably five whole minutes. Now Clarke and I could build forts around my bed when she would sleep over, and she could stay in my bed instead of having to sleep on the floor with me. Anya and Uncle Gustus also bought me an iPhone, and I had a special texting plan so that I could text Clarke even though she was all the way in Washington. I was so happy when they told me that, I cried.

Even though Anya had that talk with me earlier in the year, and part of me was scared that she was right, I kept talking to Clarke every single day, and counting down the days until she would be here for summer vacation. Even if Anya _was_ right, and Clarke would stop spending her summers here, sometimes late at night I thought about leaving the resort behind and moving somewhere, anywhere, to be with Clarke. I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life here. I knew that this place was the only thing my parents left me when they died, and I knew the resort was everything they had worked so hard for, but I thought that my parents would probably prefer it if I was happy with Clarke and living in another city, than miserable and alone taking care of the resort.

That night, Clarke and I stayed up so late texting that my entire phone battery drained.

* * *

The school year passed by without anything else significant happening for me. Anya wrote her SATs and got such a high score that she was accepted to UCLA. Uncle Gustus told her that he was proud of her, and that if she didn't go to that school, that she didn't deserve her high SAT score. Anya didn't really want to leave, but I think even she knew that she would be an idiot to turn down the opportunity.

School let out a week before Clarke was supposed to arrive, just like always. Eventually, the day when Clarke was supposed to get here finally arrived, and this time when I woke up, it was before the sun had risen. The only reason why I woke up was because I felt my bed move.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Clarke whispered as she leaned over me and kissed my cheek. She pushed my hair out of my face and kissed my forehead, and my temple, and I could feel her lips smiling against my skin, which felt like it was on fire.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I whispered, rolling onto my back and finally getting to look at Clarke's face. She looked completely exhausted, her hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in days, but she was smiling. I couldn't help but smile back at her, despite how worried I was about how exhausted she looked.

“I forced my dad to drive from Oklahoma City again,” She whispered back. “I also forced him to speed a little.”

I smiled at her and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into me so that she was completely lying on top of me.

“I missed you so much,” I whispered. I felt Clarke shiver against me and she wrapped her arms around me too. “Do you want to get a little sleep? You can sleep here, in my bed, and then when we wake up I'll go unload your car.”

“Mmm, I'd like that,” Clarke answered. She stayed lying on top of me, but shifted a little so her head was buried in my neck. Her breath against my skin made me shiver a little and it gave me goosebumps. “I always sleep the best when I'm lying next to you.”

* * *

After Clarke and I woke up that morning, we unloaded her car just like I said we would. I made Clarke some breakfast at my house, but I didn't let her know that I baked cupcakes last night because I knew Clarke must've been tired from the drive, and probably only ate fast food for the past few days, so I wanted her to eat something healthy. I made us scrambled eggs and toast.

“Thank you,” Clarke said as I handed her a full plate. “You cook even better than my mom.”

I smiled at her.

“That's a huge compliment,” I replied. “Abby makes the best pasta and meatballs I've ever had.”

Clarke smiled at me as she took her first bite.

“One day I'll have her teach us how to make it,” She said. “Do you have any ketchup?”

I opened the fridge and grabbed the ketchup for Clarke, despite the fact that I knew it was full of sugar and definitely wasn't healthy. I handed it to her and she thanked me.

“You know, I'm trying to feed you _healthy_ food, Clarke. That ketchup is going to ruin it.”

Clarke maintained eye contact with me while she squirted ketchup all over her scrambled eggs.

* * *

Clarke and I were helping Lincoln out at the convenience store, stocking the shelves, when Lincoln broke our comfortable silence.

“Is Octavia going to visit this summer?” He asked. He was clearly trying to make it seem like he wasn't that interested in the answer, but I knew it was all just an act. He asked about Octavia all the time, talked about his conversations with her on Skype, and this was literally the first question he had asked in two hours.

Clarke gave me a look and rolled her eyes at me in a way that Lincoln wouldn't be able to see, since we were in the aisles.

“I don't think so,” Clarke said. “She and _Raven_ are going to camp together this year. They've gotten really close this past year.”

Lincoln couldn't keep up his act when Clarke said that, and he looked pretty disappointed. While Lincoln was my friend, and I didn't like to see him upset, I had to consider that Octavia was only thirteen, and Lincoln was fifteen. Maybe if they were a little older, like in their twenties, a two year age difference would be okay, but right now, it was a little weird.

Clarke gave me another look when she said Raven and Octavia had gotten really close this past year, and I knew that I'd have to ask her about it later on this afternoon.

So later on that afternoon, that was exactly what I did. We were swimming in the river, after Clarke put on an infinite amount of layers of sunscreen on me and forced me to wear a hat (so that I wouldn't get sunstroke and die, apparently).

“What did you mean earlier?” I asked. Clarke looked at me with a look that clearly said 'what the hell are you talking about?' “When you said Raven and Octavia got really close this past year?”

Clarke smiled and looked away from me, watching the river.

“Well,” She said, drawing out the single word. “At Raven's birthday party this year, we played spin the bottle.”

For a moment my brain stopped working because spin the bottle means you have to kiss someone and if Clarke played spin the bottle then she probably kissed someone else and I've never kissed anyone but Clarke and the thought of someone else's lips on hers made me see red.

“I didn't kiss anyone,” Clarke said, grabbing my hand and looking straight at me. Her eyes were wide and honest. I let out a huge sigh of relief. “The game didn't get that far. Raven and Octavia were the first ones who had to kiss. Every time they spinned after that, they kept getting each other, so then they had to play seven minutes in heaven. Ever since then, they've been inseparable. I guess they're kind of dating. But they haven't said anything. I just know, because they look at each other like you and I look at each other.”

I started to blush at what Clarke said. But she smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek, and I thought about how badly I wished she'd kiss me properly again.

* * *

About two weeks after Clarke told me about Octavia and Raven, we decided to go for a hike. We both didn't feel like swimming that day, and it was cool enough outside that we could go for a hike and not feel like we would pass out from the heat. I grabbed two refillable water bottles, and filled it up with water and ice cubes, and then stuck it in the freezer for a little bit. Clarke came over with hats and sunscreen, because even though it was cool and cloudy, we knew from experience that we could still get sunburned or get heatstroke.

Clarke rubbed sunscreen into my shoulders and back, and then I did the same for her. She braided my hair, and I braided hers, and we threaded our braids through the back hole in our baseball caps. I packed a backpack full of food that I made that morning – chicken salad sandwiches, carrot sticks and ranch dressing, and some cookies – and we put on our running shoes and left.

The hike we were doing today was tougher than normal. At first, you had to walk up a pretty steep and rocky area, which would probably take an hour to do, and then after that, the land was mostly flat until you reached a cliff which overlooked the river.

I probably should've warned Clarke that the hike was going to be tougher than what we normally did, but she managed really well.

“I thought you'd be winded by now,” I said, as I unzipped the backpack and handed Clarke her bottle of water before taking a sip of my own.

“You know I do track and field,” Clarke answered. “This isn't too bad. Especially since the sun isn't beating down my back today.”

“Well, let's go then,” I said, looking at the dark clouds that were starting to form slightly to the west of us. “It's actually looking like a storm is gonna hit in a few hours. It'll take us another hour to hit the cliff, and then an hour and a half to make our way back home.”

Clarke looked at the clouds, too. She looked at me with a confused expression.

“The weather forecast didn't say anything about a storm today,” She said. I shrugged at her.

“Things change,” I replied. I grabbed Clarke's hand and helped her up from the spot where she was sitting. “Let's go.”

Since we'd already finished the steep and rocky portion of the hike, the rest of the way was really easy and almost completely flat. There wasn't a lot to look at though, unless you found cacti and lots of randomly placed twigs interesting.

Clarke held my hand for most of this part of the hike. I just hoped my hand wasn't sweaty, but even if it was, Clarke didn't seem to mind.

“Is Anya really gonna go to UCLA?” Clarke asked me when we were about fifteen minutes away from the cliff.

I nodded at her.

“She'd be a real dummy not to go,” I said.

“But won't you miss her?”

“Of course I'll miss her,” I replied. Whenever I thought about it being just me and Uncle Gustus in the house, my chest hurt a little. “But I'm used to having to say goodbye, remember?”

Clarke nodded at me.

“Yeah, but Anya's like your sister. I know you're cousins, but you grew up together.”

“ _We_ grew up together, too, Clarke,” I replied. “And I have to say goodbye to you every single year. I know Anya will come home during vacations, and after she's done studying, she'll probably come back here. She loves the resort.”

Clarke frowned a little and held my hand tighter.

“Lex,” She said, kind of quiet. “You know, I really do mean it when I say that we're gonna be together one day.”

I held my lips together kind of tight and didn't really say anything back, but I nodded. But when Clarke saw that I didn't say anything back to her, she tugged on my hand and stopped walking.

“Clarke, we have to keep moving, or else we're gonna get stuck in the storm.”

“No, Lexa,” Clarke said, seeming kind of angry with me. “Look at me.”

So I did, I looked at her. Her eyes looked bluer than ever, but she was clearly mad at me.

“I fucking mean it when I say that you and I are going to be together one day,” Clarke said with finality. I was shocked to hear her say 'fuck.' Clarke hardly ever swore. “Don't you believe me when I say that?”

“I do,” I replied. Because it's true. I did believe Clarke when she said that. I knew that one day, she wanted to be with me every day. But was it really going to happen? Who knows. Maybe Clarke would have a crush on someone else. Love someone else. The thought made my chest hurt and I didn't want to really think about it, but it was possible. She could love someone other than me someday. “I just...what if you start to have a crush on someone else? I'm just some dumb girl who lives at the river. Maybe you'll get a crush on a boy who lives in Washington, D.C., who comes from a good family, who loves you, and you love him. Maybe you'll forget about this place...about me.”

When I looked at Clarke's face she had tears in her eyes.

“Is that really what you think of me?” She whispered. “Do you really think that I'll ever be able to forget you?”

Seeing Clarke so upset made my own eyes fill with tears, and my throat felt tight and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I wanted to just hug her, and tell her that no, I never thought that she'd be able to forget me, because I knew that I would remember every little thing about Clarke for the rest of my life. But Anya's words hung in my mind and I doubted myself. I doubted Clarke.

“I don't know,” I said through the tears. “But I know _I'll_ never be able to forget you. Ever.”

Clarke squeezed my hand and pulled me into her so she was hugging me tightly. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, because her hands wrapped around my waist, and I hugged her back just as tightly.

“Lexa, you're not some dumb river girl. You're smart, you're beautiful, you're so important to me. I can't sleep properly at night if I don't talk to you. I dream of the day when I won't have to leave you,” Clarke said. I felt each breath she took and each word she spoke in the skin of my neck, and I shivered a little. “You mean so much to me, Lexa. I'll never be able to forget you. And I'll never feel the same way for _anyone_ else.”

Clarke pulled away from me slightly, but still held onto me. I could see the tear tracks on her cheeks, and I lifted my hands away from her shoulders to wipe them away. Clarke closed her eyes when I touched her, and all I could think of was kissing her. So I leaned in, and I brushed my lips against hers gently. She inhaled a little, probably surprised that I kissed her, but then she grabbed onto me harder and she tilted her head a little. Our lips moved against each other perfectly, like we were made to fit into each other. Just as I was about to break the kiss to take a breath, Clarke sucked on my bottom lip gently and I felt like I was gonna pass out.

I broke our lips apart, but we still stayed close together, and I rested my forehead against hers. I heard a rumbling noise, and looked up at the sky. The storm was probably going to start very soon, and we were definitely gonna get caught in it.

“We're gonna catch pneumonia,” I said. “We have to head back as quickly as possible.”

Clarke held onto me, though, and she kissed me again, and I forgot for a moment that the storm was going to start any minute now. When she broke away from our kiss, she smiled at me and took my hand in hers again.

“Okay, let's go now.”

* * *

Clarke and I may not have caught pneumonia from that storm, but we did catch a pretty bad cold. We were quarantined to my bedroom, and Anya would bring us cans of soup (basically the only thing she was actually trusted not to burn) and crackers every day for lunch and dinner.

“I swear to god, if I ever see a can of chicken soup or cream of mushroom soup ever again, I'm gonna lose it,” Clarke said after day 5 of our quarantine. We were almost back to 100%, but no one trusted us to stay out of the water and actually get better.

“Just shut up and eat your soup,” Anya said. I could tell she was joking, and Clarke clearly could too, since she smiled at Anya. “You know what I call people who go out on a hike and don't immediately turn around when they see storm clouds? IDIOTS!”

* * *

Eventually, Clarke and I got better, and the rest of the summer was spent swimming, baking, having sleepovers, and kissing. Clarke kissed me a lot during our sleepovers. She never did it any other time, but kissing Clarke in my bed was amazing. The way her lips felt against mine, the way she grabbed at my hair and would pull gently, it drove me crazy. We'd kiss for hours, or what felt like hours, and when we'd finally stop, I'd look over at Clarke and see how swollen her lips would look and it would make me want to kiss her all over again. But we'd be too tired, so we'd snuggle up together and fall asleep. We'd wake up tangled up together, arms and legs intertwined like we were trying to become one single person. I'd make her breakfast, and she'd put ketchup all over her eggs, and we'd spend the rest of the day together, and then repeat. Over and over again until it was time for her to leave.

The night before she left, Clarke kissed me differently. I know for sure that we really did kiss for hours that night, because we just couldn't stop. When we kissed, it was like time stopped, or at least, that's how it felt. So if I kissed Clarke as much as possible, maybe that would mean that morning would never come and she wouldn't have to go back to Washington, D.C.

Clarke sucked on my bottom lip again and I made a noise into her mouth. When my lips were open, Clarke put her tongue in my mouth and teased my tongue with hers. It felt so amazing when she did that that I thought there was no better feeling in the entire universe than kissing Clarke, than moving our tongues together, than tasting Clarke on my lips. I pulled her hair gently, her blonde hair which had gotten lighter over the past few weeks from the sun. I ran my hands over her shoulders and her back, where her skin was freckled from her time here at the resort. I savoured everything about the way Clarke felt that night.

We eventually fell asleep, with Clarke laying on top of me, and when we woke up, our lips were still pink and swollen from all our kissing. When I said goodbye to her, it physically hurt me not to kiss her goodbye. She got in her car, and Jake pulled out of the marina, and my lips still tingled in memory of her.  


	7. When We Were 14

That year sucked. There was no other way to describe it. Anya left for UCLA, and I missed her like crazy. I started high school, and I tried to keep myself as busy as possible by joining the track team and the soccer team. The house felt so lonely, so completely and utterly empty without Anya around. Uncle Gustus and I would sit at the table and eat dinner in almost total silence, and I knew that not having Anya here was hard for him too, but he was the adult here. He was supposed to keep it together for us.

Anya came home at literally every vacation. During her reading week, during Thanksgiving, during Christmas, during her spring break. It was amazing to have her back in the house, because it felt like this place came to life when Anya was back at home. But then she'd leave and it'd be back to being lonely and quiet.

I talked to Clarke every day almost constantly, and thanks to Apple and iMessage, now we didn't have to pay so much money to have a national texting plan. Talking to Clarke helped so much with the loneliness on some days, and on other days it felt like parts of me were just missing and empty. Like I was full of holes – holes where Anya used to be, holes where Clarke used to be. Whenever they were around me, I felt whole instead of holey.

I threw myself into studying and into soccer and track to keep myself busy. I did really well at track and soccer, and I had a 4.0 GPA. Clarke was ridiculously proud of me when I told her about my grades.

Eventually, the year passed by, and I was on two separate countdowns – the countdown for Anya to come home from UCLA, and the countdown for Clarke to get to the river. Anya came home two weeks before school let out, and as soon as she pulled into the resort, I tackled her onto the gravel and we both got scrapes all over the place, but Anya was finally home.

“Jesus motherfucker,” Anya said as she wiped off the gravel that was sticking to her. “Are you trying to fucking kill me?”

“Shut up,” I replied.

The same week that school was going to let out, which was also known as the week before Clarke was supposed to get here, I got a call from a long distance number that I didn't recognize.

“Hello?” I answered. There was some static on the line, but I recognized the voice immediately.

“Hey, Lexa,” Jake said. “How're you doing, kid?”

“I'm good, Jake, thanks!” I responded. I was smiling, glad to hear his voice, but also terrified because I had literally never spoken to Jake except for in person. I prayed to every deity I could think of that nothing happened to Clarke or Abby or Jake himself. “What's new?”

“Oh, not much. We were just trying to plan everything for the drive next week, and Clarke has kind of decided something and we can't talk her out of it,” Jake said. My heart stopped. She wasn't coming. She was gonna leave me here all alone. “Clarke wants to fly down by herself as soon as school finishes on Friday. We'd be fine with it, and obviously I'm still going to be driving down next week like normal. To be honest, I'm getting really tired of having to drive fifteen hours straight so Clarke can get to see you as soon as possible, so maybe it's a good idea for Clarke to fly down to Laughlin on her own.”

Considering I had nearly just had a cardiac episode at the mere thought of Clarke not coming down here this summer, the news that she wanted to get here even sooner than normal was probably the best news I'd ever gotten.

“Honestly, Jake, I think that's the best thing I've ever heard,” I replied, sighing in relief and wiping sweat of my forehead. I was genuinely sweating over the mere thought of Clarke not coming for the summer. “Obviously, Anya and I will drive to Laughlin-Bullhead airport to pick her up, and she can stay with us until you get here next week.”

“Thank you so much, Lexa,” Jake said, sounding so relieved. “I really appreciate it. I know Clarke is in good hands whenever she's with you.”

I blushed at the compliment. This man literally trusted me with his daughter, who I know he loved like crazy.

“I should be the one thanking you for letting her come down early,” I said. “Things just don't feel right around here when Clarke isn't here.”

“I know what you mean, Lex. Clarke just comes to life whenever she's around you,” Jake mused. “Anyway, I'll have Clarke forward all the flight information to you so you know what time to pick her up. Take care, Lex.”

“You too, Jake,” I said. As soon as I hung up the call, I went to find Anya in the resort office. “We're gonna go pick Clarke up from Laughlin-Bullhead Airport on Friday.”

Anya just stared at me blankly.

“What?” She said, shaking her head and giving me a confused look.

“She's flying here by herself so she can get here as early as possible. So we're gonna go pick her up from the airport on Friday,” I replied, flipping through papers on Gustus' desk. He gave me an annoyed look in response and took the papers from me.

“Well, alright then,” Anya said, and then immediately went back to doing her work.

As soon as I got the okay from Anya on picking Clarke up from the airport, I texted Clarke.

_Thanks for telling me you're getting here an ENTIRE WEEK EARLIER THAN NORMAL._

* * *

Friday rolled around pretty fast, but that was to be expected, considering it was only Wednesday when Jake let me know that Clarke was going to be flying in on her own. I didn't even go to the last day of classes because we had to leave to pick Clarke up around 1 in the afternoon, and I had plans to cook dinner for Clarke. Little did she know, I had asked Abby for her pasta and meatballs recipe earlier this week (so that I would be able to cook it for Clarke as a surprise later this summer), so I started making the tomato sauce from scratch early in the morning.

“Why, God, why does my entire house smell like tomato sauce?” Anya said as she walked into the kitchen. “It's only 8 a.m., God. It's too early for this.”

“I'm making dinner for Clarke, Anya,” I replied as I stirred the sauce. “If you behave, you can have some, too.”

“Her royal highness is allowing me to eat my own food in my own house,” Anya deadpanned. “How kind.”

I laughed at her rather unimpressed face and resisted the urge to fling an entire spoonful of tomato sauce at her.

“You better be ready to leave here at 1 so we can pick Clarke up from the airport,” I said. Anya nodded at me and popped toast in the toaster. It's not like she was completely incapable of cooking for herself now that she had lived alone at UCLA, but it's not like I was willing to actually eat anything Anya prepared (which was mostly toast, a pot of ramen noodles, and macaroni and cheese).

“Yes, Lexa, I know,” Anya said in an exasperated tone. “You've literally told me at least five times every day since Jake first called you.”

“I'm just -”

Anya interrupted me, by putting her entire hand over my mouth.

“I know, you're just excited to see Clarke again,” Anya said with a smile on her face.

I rolled my eyes at her and licked Anya's palm so she'd let me go.

“That is truly disgusting, Lexa,” Anya said as she wiped her palm against her shorts. I shrugged in response.

When it was finally time to leave for the airport, I was a bit of a nervous wreck. I tried my best not to let it show, but I was fidgeting a lot, and I spent a lot of time switching between radio stations. We pulled into the parking area, and found a space rather quickly. We walked into the terminal, and I checked the TV screens to see Clarke's updated arrival time. She was supposed to get here in half an hour.

Anya took a seat by the TV screens, and gestured at the seat next to her so I would sit down, but I ignored her. We were really close to the arrival area, and I was watching all the various reunions that were taking place. Husbands and wives, parents and children, distant relatives, young lovers. All these reunions were taking place, and I stood there waiting for my own reunion. Was it a reunion between best friends? Between girlfriends? I don't know. And in a way, it didn't matter. It was a reunion between Lexa and Clarke. A reunion I spent ten months of the year looking forward to.

I paced in a straight line in front of where Anya was sitting, occasionally pausing to watch as a new flood of travellers exited the arrival area.

“Oh my GOD,” Anya practically yelled. “Can you please stop FUCKING pacing? You're gonna give me an anxiety attack.”

“Can you not be so childish?” I responded. “She's gonna get here any second and she doesn't need to see us arguing as soon as she -”

“Hey guys,” Clarke's voice said. I completely stopped what I was staring and turned to my right side, where, of course, Clarke was standing right next to me. She looked at me with that perfect fucking smile at I felt so at ease, for just a moment. Because the next second, I turned to face Anya and I gave her a death glare.

“I'm gonna fucking kill you,” I said in that completely calm, yet terrifyingly angry voice that Anya used on me so often. “I missed her arrival _because of you._ ”

Anya looked sheepish, but I decided to be merciful and kill her later. Now, I would take care of what was really important. So I turned to Clarke and I hugged her tightly.

“I hope you had a nice flight,” I whispered. “I'm so glad you're here.”

“I'm so glad to see you,” Clarke whispered back. “This year was so tough.”

“I'm here now,” I said. Clarke nodded against my shoulder and I rubbed her back gently. “Let's go home.”

* * *

When we finally got to Laughlin, Clarke and I unloaded Anya's car. As soon as I opened my front door, Clarke gave me a perplexed look.

“Lex, why does your house smell like my mom's tomato sauce?” Clarke asked me. I smiled at her.

“I kind of made Abby's pasta and meatballs as a surprise for your welcome back dinner,” I replied. Clarke beamed at me and dropped all her bags and pulled me into a massive hug.

“You're so perfect,” She whispered into my neck. I shivered and fought the urge to tell Clarke that she was the one who was completely and utterly perfect.

When we broke apart, I grabbed some of Clarke's bags and lead her into my room, where I put her bags.

“I'm guessing you won't be opposed to sleeping in my bed with me?” I asked with a smile. Clarke smiled at me and wrapped her arms around my waist, hugging me tighter to her. She reached behind me and shut my bedroom door.

“Not at all,” She whispered before she kissed me gently. Kissing Clarke was exactly like I remembered. Feeling her lips on mine, feeling my skin burn wherever she touched me, feeling these tingles and sparks of electricity where our lips joined, and feeling like time absolutely stood still for each one of our kisses.

“I missed this,” I whispered against her lips. “I missed kissing you.”

“I missed this too,” She replied.

We had the house to ourselves, since Anya went back to the resort office after we got to the resort, and Gustus was pretty much always in the resort office until around 7 pm. So I grabbed Clarke by the belt loops on her shorts, and pushed her far enough so that her knees hit my bed.

I put my hand against her shoulder and pushed her back so she was lying down before I climbed on top of her. She looked at me with that look in her eyes again, just like she had when I had first kissed her on the cheek all those years ago, except this time I knew what that look meant. She wanted me. I threaded my fingers through her hair and pulled gently before I descended my lips against hers again.

She moaned into my kiss, and I took that as my chance to slip my tongue into her mouth. She matched every stroke, and when I was about to pull away to catch my breath, she gently nipped at my bottom lip.

“That's a new trick,” I whispered. I became more adventurous with each passing second, and my lips abandoned Clarke's to kiss down her neck. I was as gentle as possible, leaving open mouthed kisses that were only just visible against her pale skin. Little reminders of me.

“Mmhm,” Clarke responded. “I read about it in a book, and I thought I'd give it a try. Did you like it?”

“Why don't I do it to you and you can tell me if you liked it? Cause I definitely liked it.”

Clarke whispered her agreement, so I leaned back up and pressed my lips against hers in an eager kiss. Our tongues met again, and she reached up into my curls and pulled gently. Just as she was backing away from the kiss, I grabbed her bottom lip between my teeth and bit her, gently, but still a bite. She moaned into the kiss.

“Did you like it?” I whispered as I gave her a moment to breathe before kissing her again. She moaned into the kiss again, and I felt her leg swing up over my hip, resting on my lower back. Slowly, her leg started to move ever so slightly lower, pushing into my ass, pushing me so I was putting almost my entire body weight against her.

My hand grabbed at her calf, and stroked up her smooth, pale skin until I reached the back of her knee, where I hooked it even further onto my back. I rested more of my weight on top of her, our chests now fully pressing against each other while we continued to kiss, and it was like my mind completely shut off as I rolled my hips against her.

“Jesus,” Clarke whispered as she broke our kiss. Her breathing was uneven, I could feel her chest moving quickly against mine. “You're killing me, Lex.”

I gently traced her nose with mine before kissing her once more. I regained control of myself and stopped moving my hips against hers, and tried to slow things way down. I broke our kiss and placed a few gentle kisses on her neck before I gave up on supporting my weight and I just laid down on top of Clarke.

“Sorry,” I whispered. “That got a little out of hand.”

Clarke laughed a little, and she rubbed small circles on my lower back.

“It's okay,” She replied. “I liked it a lot.”

I leaned into her neck more, letting the smell of her shampoo and everything about having Clarke underneath me just sink in.

“Me too,” I said. “I liked it a lot, too.”

* * *

That night, Clarke ate the pasta and meatballs that I made from Abby's recipe, and Anya was definitely not allowed to have any.

“Consider it retribution for the airport fiasco,” I said. Anya had already apologized a whole bunch of times, and I'd already forgiven her (I'd even already made up a plate for her and left it in the oven to stay warm), but she didn't need to know that yet.

“Pleeeease, Lex,” Anya begged. “I promise it'll never happen again, and I promise I'll never complain again when you start to make tomato sauce at eight in the damn morning.”

I smiled at her, because it was honestly hilarious to watch Anya beg for a plate of pasta. I reached into the oven and pulled out the slightly warm plate.

“Here, dummy, it was just keeping warm in the oven,” I said. Anya looked pleased, but also looked mildly upset that I made her beg when I'd already had that plate of pasta prepared for her.

Clarke helped me do the dishes that night. She washed, while I dried. We watched movies til 2 am, and then when we went to bed, we kissed a little and fell asleep in each others' arms.

* * *

Jake arrived a week later, and even though Clarke technically now had her own room in the Griffins' cabin, she spent most of her nights in my bed. I certainly wasn't complaining.

During our days together, we would swim and hike and watch movies and just _be_ with each other. Sometimes Uncle Gustus would let me take out the boat, and Clarke and I would drive to some secluded cove, and we would just float there for a while, and talk. Clarke told me all about what high school was like for her, what her friends were doing. Sometimes, she'd talk about all the things she wanted for us and our relationship.

“You know, Raven and Octavia aren't together anymore,” Clarke said during one of those talks on the boat. I quirked my eyebrow at her. “They're still best friends, but they aren't together. Raven is dating a boy named Finn, and Octavia... well, I think Octavia is still trying to get over Raven. They're spending this summer apart for the first time ever.”

“Wow,” I replied. I grabbed Clarke's hand and tangled our fingers together. “You know, I really never expected Raven to be the one to end things between them.”

Clarke shook her head.

“Oh, no, Raven didn't end it. Octavia did.”

I gave Clarke a confused look and waited for her to explain.

“Raven met Finn during the first week of classes. They have almost every single class together. I think... I think Octavia knew that something was up with Raven. I guess Raven started to pull away, and I think Octavia knew that Raven was starting to have feelings for someone else. Raven didn't want things to end between them, but Octavia didn't want Raven to stay in their relationship just because it was comfortable,” Clarke explained. “Octavia and Raven always wanted what was best for each other, and they were usually willing to sacrifice what they wanted to make sure the other one would be happy. But Octavia wouldn't let Raven sacrifice her feelings for Finn. So Octavia ended it.”

I didn't say anything, but I wondered how the hell Octavia managed to put Raven's needs before her own and make the choice for Raven to be happy, even if she knew that she wouldn't be happy herself.

“It was pretty tough on all of us,” Clarke added. “But I think it was for the best. They still love each other, and I think they always will. It's just... bad timing, I suppose.”

Clarke's words felt heavy, and I couldn't respond, so I just nodded and held Clarke's hand a little bit tighter.

* * *

That night after the discussion on the boat, I dropped Clarke off at her house to shower. Even though she was practically living at my house, she said she still preferred to shower at her own cabin. She'd asked me to wait for her while she got ready, so I sat on the couch with Jake.

“So what the hell do you do all summer, anyway?” I asked him with a smile. Jake laughed.

“Well, I'm a professor of Engineering at George Washington University. Every summer, I come down here to get away from the craziness of Washington, D.C., and I work a little on my research. Since we've been coming here, I've written and published two books, both of which were written either here on this couch, or over there at the table,” Jake replied. I nodded at him.

“Well, that is some impressive shit,” I said. Jake laughed again.

“I suppose so,” He replied. “Hey, Lexa, can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“Are you and Clarke...like, a thing?” He asked. I basically choked on my own saliva as a response. I stared at him, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, and completely blanked on every single word in the English language. “If you are, it's okay. Abby and I are totally accepting, whether Clarke is gay or bisexual or whatever she wants to be.”

“Uh...well, you know... that's great, Jake,” I stammered. “It's, uh...good to know.”

He smiled a little.

“Okay, I can tell that I've totally thrown you off,” He said. “Look, don't worry about it. You don't have to answer to me. In all honesty, I hope you and Clarke are a thing, because I think you're probably the only person other than Abby that I trust her with. I know how much you care about her, and I know how much she cares about you. Just, you know. Be careful, and all that.”

Thankfully, I didn't have to try to formulate a response, because Clarke came out with her PJs in her hand and I had never been so grateful to be headed back to my own house.

When Clarke and I were walking back to my house, she held my hand, and it made me think about all the other times we've held hands like this, in clear view, over the past few summers. Really, it's a wonder Jake didn't ask me if Clarke and I were dating _sooner._

* * *

When we got into bed that night, Clarke snuggled into my side and rested her cheek against my chest.

“Your boobs are the comfiest,” She whispered. “Comfier than pillows.”

“Uh, thanks,” I responded. “Your dad totally asked me if we're dating earlier tonight while you were in the shower.”

Clarke froze against me.

“What? What did you say?”

“I didn't say anything! It's like I forgot how to speak English as soon as he asked me!”

Clarke laughed against my chest.

“ _Are_ we dating?” She asked me. And I was floored. Were we? How could you date someone who you only saw two months out of the entire year? How could you date someone who lived over 2000 miles away?

“Do you want to be dating?” I asked her. Clarke shrugged.

“I don't know if it's even possible for us to date,” Clarke said. “Considering we live over 2000 miles apart, and I only get to see you for two months a year.”

I smiled, because Clarke literally repeated my own thoughts.

“Clarke,” I whispered. Clarke murmured her acknowledgement into my chest. “Just so you know, if you lived here, and I got to see you every day, we'd definitely be dating. I'd want you all to myself, 365 days a year.”

“You already _do_ have me all to yourself 365 days a year, Lex,” Clarke said. “There's no one else. No competition. No one else who I'd rather make out with. No one else who I'd want to be in a relationship with. Only you.”

We fell asleep in each others' arms that night. Clarke's words comforted me. Knowing for certain that there was no one else who Clarke was interested in soothed me, because I couldn't imagine being interested in anyone but Clarke. I rubbed small circles into the small of her back, and thought about how much I loved the way it felt to have Clarke lay on top of me while she slept. How I loved the feel of her smooth skin beneath my fingers, as I would trace patterns along her back and sides to lull her to sleep. Sometimes her shirt would move up while she slept, and I savoured the glimpses of her skin, even though I'd seen her in a bikini a billion times now. I loved Clarke's skin, Clarke's freckled shoulders and nose, Clarke's sun-bleached hair, Clarke's slow and gradual tan, the way sunscreen smelled on her skin.

I loved Clarke.

* * *

The realization that I loved Clarke didn't scare me, but it did make it more difficult for me to say goodbye to her. The night before she left, I pressed kisses into her skin, trying to say with actions what my lips were too scared to say with words.

Clarke's lips pressed against mine insistently, as she tugged at my hair with more force than usual. Normally, she was gentle, always, but tonight, she was anything but. It encouraged me, spurred me on, made me kiss her harder, push my tongue against hers more than normal, made me whimper and groan at her touch. Her fingers abandoned my hair, and she scratched against my shoulders, which were exposed by my tank top.

“I'm yours, Lex,” She whispered as my own hands started to wander, reaching down to the hem of her own sleep shirt. “Take it off.”

I straddled Clarke and since I was on top of her, I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her so she was sitting up with me, chest to chest as I pulled her shirt over her head. I knew that Clarke never slept with a bra on, so I wasn't surprised when her bare skin pressed against my tank top. My hands splayed widely against Clarke's bare, smooth back, and I resisted every urge within me to break our kiss and trail my lips down Clarke's neck, over her collarbones, and to kiss her newly exposed flesh.

Clarke pulled away from me and lay down beneath me, breaking our kiss, and I couldn't help but look at her breasts. Her skin looked ethereal, glowing in the moonlight that streamed through my window, and her eyes looked darker blue than normal. I saw the same desire I felt reflected plainly in her own eyes.

“Touch me,” She whispered.

I reached out, fingers gentle and timidly tracing along her lips, taking the same path I'd imagined I would take with my lips. She sucked my fingers into her mouth, which made me moan. I took my wet fingers, and traced them slowly down her neck and across her collarbone, before taking one of her breasts in my hand and I couldn't believe how soft she was. I flicked my fingers across her nipples gently, taking what I knew about what felt good on my own body and using it on Clarke. She moaned and her hands reached up towards me, and firmly grasped my biceps, pulling me down so I was on top of her again, chest to chest.

“I want you so fucking bad,” I whispered into her neck. I kissed her there, and bit her a little bit, maybe hard enough to leave a mark. Good. I wanted to leave a mark. I wanted her to remember my lips on her skin.

“I want you, too,” She whispered. “But maybe we should wait.”

I knew she was right. I knew we should wait. But the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the absolute desire I felt for Clarke, told me that no, I needed her now. But I didn't even know what I was doing, and even though I've known Clarke for years, and I've probably loved her since I first met her, it was moving too fast. We were too young.

“You're right,” I whispered into her skin. I rested against her, my entire weight against her body, and Clarke sighed.

“Lexa,” She whispered, her breath blowing into my hair a little bit. I murmured my acknowledgement. “I love you.”

My heart stopped.

“And not in the best friend way,” She said.

I lifted my head up from it's comfortable spot between her shoulder and her neck, and I looked into Clarke's blue eyes, clear and honest. I looked at her lips, her kiss-swollen lips, and I knew how vulnerable she must feel – she was topless, in my bed, and she just admitted that she loved me, and I was staring at her face like I was trying to memorize every single pore of this girl.

“I love you, too,” I said. “And not in the best friend way.”

Clarke smiled at me, and she looked completely content in that moment. She reached up and took off my own tank top, and I let her.

“Now we match,” She whispered. She pulled me down so I was laying on top of her again, chest to chest, skin against skin. “Sleep.”

And we did.

* * *

The next morning, Jake packed up the car, and Clarke packed her things and tossed them into the car. I didn't notice that she stole my tank top, but I did notice that she left her sleep shirt in a neatly folded pile underneath my pillow. I hugged Jake before he got in the car to wait for Clarke.

Clarke pulled me into a tight hug, and I smelled her shampoo, and I felt her breaths against my chest, and in that moment, I felt whole.

“I love you,” She whispered.

“I love you, too,” I replied.

“Don't forget it,” She said.

“I won't ever forget it.”

And then she pulled away from the hug and I could tell she had already started crying as soon as she took that first step away from me. Jake pulled the car out of the resort, and it felt like he had my entire heart sitting next to him in the passenger seat.


	8. When We Were 15

That year was pretty hard, but in a lot of ways, it was easier than last year. I was finally settled in at my high school, I was getting more used to Anya being gone a lot of the time, and I was able to talk to Clarke basically 24/7. In a way, it was almost like she never left – we Facetimed, we iMessaged, we chatted all day, every day. But, talking to Clarke wasn't the same as being with Clarke. Even though she was around, the lack of Clarke's physical presence was almost stifling on good days, and pretty much unbearable on bad days.

In late November, I got a call from another unrecognized, long distance number. My throat felt tight when I answered it, because I was always scared that one day I'd get a call saying something horrible happened to Clarke, or Abby, or Jake. I don't even know what I would do if something bad happened – how could I do anything if I was trapped here in Laughlin?

“Hello?” I answered. Again, just like last year, there was static on the line, but I recognized the voice immediately.

“Hey, Lexa,” Abby said. I was relieved to hear her voice because it sounded completely normal – not upset, like she would be if anything bad happened. “How are you?”

“I'm doing well, Abby, thanks,” I replied. I was walking home from school when she called. It was a little cloudy outside, but it was a mild 70 degrees, so I wasn't complaining. “How are you?”

“I'm good, thanks, Lexa,” Abby replied. “So, I have a proposition for you.”

I smiled at Abby's words, intrigued by her word choice.

“A proposition, huh?” I replied. “Well, what is it?”

“I know you're in high school now, just like Clarke, and I know how tough it is for you to be apart for so long,” Abby said. “I also know that Anya comes home from UCLA during her Christmas break, and I know how much she means to you and how badly you must miss her, but I thought that nothing would make Christmas better for Clarke than to have you here in D.C.”

I stopped walking. Was Abby seriously inviting me to spend Christmas with her family? Would I seriously be able to see Clarke before late June? My heart started beating twice as fast.

“Are you saying what I think you're saying?” I asked. I really couldn't believe this was happening. I was tempted to pinch myself to confirm that this really wasn't a dream.

Abby laughed.

“I'm asking you to spend Christmas vacation with us,” Abby said. “We'd pay for your flight up here, obviously, and I know Clarke is dying to see you, and I didn't get to see you last summer because of work, and basically we'd all really love it if you would spend Christmas with us. The only thing is you can't tell Clarke that you're coming, it's kind of gonna be her big Christmas surprise this year. But I totally understand if you don't want to give me an answer right now and want to talk it over with Anya and your Uncle, but just know that my offer still stands.”

While almost every single inch of me wanted to just accept Abby's offer without hesitation, I knew that if I didn't spend time with Anya this Christmas, the next time I would see her would be during her spring break. And even though Anya totally didn't make my life choices, I wanted to talk to her about it before I agreed to anything. And obviously I'd have to clear it with Uncle Gustus, too.

“Thank you so much, Abby,” I said, genuinely feeling like I was going to cry. Abby and Jake's kindness towards me was unbelievable. But then again, considering they raised someone as perfect as Clarke, I shouldn't have been so surprised. “I'll talk it over with Anya and Uncle Gustus and I'll let you know by tomorrow morning.”

“Sure thing, Lexa,” Abby replied. “Talk to you soon. Take care.”

“You too.”

I walked home faster than normal that day, and went straight into the office so I could talk to Uncle Gustus. He was busy on the computer, and he had papers stacked high on his desk.

“Hey, Lex,” He said. “What's up?”

“Abby just invited me to Washington, D.C. for Christmas. She said they would pay for my ticket to fly there and everything,” I said. Uncle Gustus looked right at me and I could tell he was surprised. “Would it be okay if I went?”

He shrugged and continued to go through his papers and type away at his computer while he thought about it. I waited as patiently as I possibly could, because I really wanted to go, but Gustus and Anya meant a lot to me and if they didn't want me to go, it'd make it a billion times more difficult to decide what I was actually going to do. It's not like I wouldn't go if they didn't want me to go – I could make my own decisions. But it'd be easier to leave knowing that they supported me.

“I think that would be nice,” Gustus replied. “You'd get to see Clarke sooner than normal. And Christmas has never been a really big deal in our house anyway.”

It's true that Christmas was never really a big deal for us. We exchanged gifts, but we never really made a turkey, and we weren't religious, so it was mostly just like any other day, except we got presents. I was so glad that Uncle Gustus was alright with the idea of me going away to Washington for Christmas that I wrapped my arms around his shoulders from where I was standing behind his computer chair.

“Thank you,” I said. I felt him laugh and he grabbed my hands and squeezed them.

“Yeah, yeah. Now go do your homework.”

The only person left to talk to about this was Anya.

_Lexa: are you in class?_

_Anya: what the actual fuck do you want_

_Lexa: you're always so polite_

_Anya: what. do. you. want._

_Lexa: I just need to talk to you about something._

_Anya: jesus lexa can you just spit it out already_

_Lexa: It's about Christmas break_

_Anya: you mean the time when I'm going to literally stab you in your sleep if you don't just TELL ME_

_Lexa: Abby invited me to Washington to spend the Christmas with the Griffins. I'd basically be_

_Clarke's Christmas present._

_Lexa: So you won't be able to kill me this Christmas break if I go to Washington._

_Anya: are you asking my permission?_

_Lexa: No._

_Anya: then why are you bothering me?_

_Lexa: Don't be dumb. You know why._

_Lexa: I miss you, you fucking idiot._

_Anya: So sweet. So kind._

_Lexa: shut up_

_Anya: you don't need my permission to go._

_Anya: besides, I think you'd literally decapitate me if I told you I'd rather you stayed at home and spent time with me_

_Lexa: Probably._

_Anya: so go then. spend time with Clarke and the Griffins. get the fuck out of Nevada. tell me what snow is like._

_Lexa: snow sounds pretty awful to be honest._

_Anya: good. I want you to suffer._

_Lexa: ...anyways, I'm gonna go do my homework._

_Anya: nerd._

_Anya: WAIT LEXA WHO'S GONNA MAKE ME DINNER IF YOU GO TO WASHINGTON_

_Anya: LEXA NO_

_Anya: I TAKE IT BACK_

_Anya: DON'T GO TO WASHINGTON_

_Anya: shit._

* * *

After my lovely chat with Anya via text message, I got back to Abby and let her know that I was definitely coming to Washington. The real hard part now was not telling Clarke. I think she started to get suspicious of me about three days before my flight. She started texting me almost non-stop, which wasn't entirely out of the ordinary, but she asked me if I was interested in or seeing someone else almost every single day.

_Clarke (3:32pm): why do you never reply to my texts anymore?_

_Clarke (3:35pm): are you seeing someone else?_

_Clarke (3:40pm): I'm gonna fight them_

_Lexa (3:42pm): I was at soccer practice, you nut. How could I ever be interested in someone other than you? You're so stable and not at all jealous or violent._

_Clarke (3:42pm): I'm gonna fight your entire soccer team._

_Lexa (3:43pm): You really need to calm down, you're talking about fighting fifteen girls._

_Clarke (3:45pm): I can take them. They steal you away from me too much._

_Lexa (3:45pm): Possessive much?_

_Clarke (3:45 pm): Why don't you get your ass over here and I'll show you just how possessive I can be_

_Lexa (3:47pm):_ _sunglasses emoji_

_Clarke (3:47pm): are you flirting with me via emoji_

_Lexa (3:50pm): ...no_

_Clarke (3:51pm): blowing kiss emoji_

_Lexa (3:52pm): Let's keep it PG-13 in here, please. Children may be near._

_Clarke (3:55pm): don't tell me what to do_

_Clarke (3:55pm): maybe I'll send you a dick pic_

_Lexa (3:56pm): What the fuck are you talking about?_

_Lexa (3:56pm): How do you have a dick pic?_

_Lexa (3:56pm): Who sent you a pic of their dick?_

_Lexa (3:57pm): WAS IT WELLS?_

_Lexa (3:57pm): ANSWER ME_

_Lexa (4:15pm): Clarke I swear to god_

_Clarke (4:15pm): sorry i meant duck pic_

_Clarke (4:15pm): look at this duck (attached file)_

_Clarke (4:15pm): how adorable_

_Clarke (4:15pm): i love dicks_

_Clarke (4:16pm): ducks*_

_Lexa (4:20pm): I hate you._

_Clarke (4:30pm): I love you._

_Lexa (4:30pm): I love you, too._

* * *

That Friday, Lincoln drove me to the airport since Uncle Gustus couldn't leave the resort unattended. Anya was coming home tomorrow, so I wouldn't get to see her at all before I left, but my excitement over flying to Washington and seeing Clarke kind of took over the disappointment I felt at not seeing Anya. Lincoln hugged me and pointed me to the right terminal, and I was on my way.

The airport was a pretty confusing place when you were trying to travel through it. There were signs all over the place, and so many check in counters I could hardly understand why exactly they needed so many. Didn't everyone just do online check in anyway? Do these people not know about the internet?

When I finally got to the baggage drop area, I heaved my massive suitcase onto the scale. It was full of the warmest clothes I own, and gifts for Clarke, Abby, Jake, Octavia and Raven. Admittedly, I didn't own a lot of warm clothes, but Abby already told me that if I needed anything, I could always just borrow from Clarke. I watched my bag vanish into the absolute chaos of baggage check, and headed towards security, where I was forced to take off nearly everything I was wearing. My cardigan, my watch, my shoes, my belt, whatever change I had in my pocket. By the time it was all done, I was left standing in my socks, wearing just a tank top (thank god I shaved my underarms that morning) and my jeans. I definitely did not look cute at that moment.

I passed through the screening area without anything going off, and I was allowed to put my shoes, my cardigan, my watch, and my belt back on. I shoved my change back in my pocket, and headed to my gate. Once I got there, I sat down and didn't move again until I was able to board. I was sitting in the window seat, so I had a great view, and I took a bunch of pictures during take off. The landscape looked so small, everything looked teeny tiny, and it was like I was finally able to appreciate just how small Laughlin really was, and just how vast the rest of the world was. I'd seen so little of the rest of the world, so little of the United States, but it felt like this flight, like going to visit Clarke in D.C., was my first step into a world that was truly filled with opportunities and places that were just waiting to be seen. It was exciting, freeing, and nerve-wracking all at the same time.

The flight was just under five hours, which was really the perfect length. I had enough time to watch two movies, but not enough time to start to feel tired. I couldn't imagine trying to sleep in one of these awful seats.

When I landed, I think I had literally 7 billion texts from Clarke. I responded to them as best as I could, but I knew she was seriously pissed off with me. I told her before I left that I was going to be busy helping Gustus around the resort and that I wouldn't be able to text her, but Clarke knew that whenever I usually said that I would cave and text her back almost immediately. When I finally picked up my bags and got through to the arrivals area, I was greeted by Jake who was holding up a very unimpressive sign that just said “lexa?”

“Why the question mark?” I asked. Jake smiled at me and hugged me and grabbed my bags so I wouldn't have to carry them anymore.

“I wasn't sure if your real name was Lexa or if it was short for something else,” he replied. I laughed, and he started to lead me to the parking lot. “Come on, Lex, car's this way. It's fucking cold outside, so brace yourself.”

He wasn't lying. It really was fucking cold outside and I clearly was not wearing enough layers. My teeth were chattering and I was shivering really badly by the time we made it to Jake's car. He let the car run for a few minutes while he blasted the heat.

“Yeah,” Jake said with a smile as I rubbed my hands together frantically, trying to generate some heat. “Welcome to the East Coast.”

I smiled at him through my chattering teeth.

When my body temperature was finally back to normal, Jake started to drive.

“So Clarke has literally no clue,” Jake said. “But she's been really pissed off all day. I'm guessing that's because you haven't replied to her messages since you've been flying here. So, really, this can go two ways. Either Clarke will see you and absolutely lose her shit and get mad at you for keeping it a secret, or Clarke will see you and absolutely lose her shit and cry because she's so happy to see you.”

“Regardless, Clarke is gonna lose her shit,” I said with a smile, and Jake nodded at me. He warned me when we were about five minutes away from their house, and my heart felt like it was in my throat and I was so excited I felt like I wasn't even breathing properly anymore.

Jake pulled into the driveway of a rather large house. I wasn't entirely surprised that Clarke's family had money, considering Jake was a published professor of engineering, and Abby was Chief of Surgery. But finally being able to see where Clarke grew up made my stomach fill with butterflies, and I smiled as I imagined Clarke coming back to this house after every summer we spent together. Jake turned to me with a smile that was absolutely massive.

“You should go in first, and I'll unload the car and bring in your bags,” He said. “She'll probably stomp out of the kitchen to see who just walked in the house, hoping for someone to complain to about you not answering her texts, so she'll have no idea what's coming.”

I smiled at him and I couldn't help but lean over and hug him.

“Thank you so much for this,” I said. “I really...I appreciate this so much, I can't even put into words how much I appreciate this.”

Jake hugged me back and then encouraged me to go inside.

I walked up the frosty walkway to the front door, and found it open. I pushed the door open, and since it was a bit heavier than I was used to it took a little bit of effort. I wiped my shoes off on the welcome mat and when I went inside the house, I was almost shocked by the decor – it was absolutely beautifully decorated, with a massive foyer and a chandelier hanging in the centre of that foyer. The floors were marble, and okay, maybe I did underestimate just how rich the Griffins were.

“Lexa hasn't responded to my texts since 11, and I'm pissed about it!” Clarke called out from a doorway that was right in front of me. When no one responded, I heard footsteps from that room. “Hello?”

And then she stepped into the doorway, wearing massive fuzzy slippers and loose black lounge pants, and a flowy white shirt. Her hair was up in a messy bun on top of her head, and she wasn't wearing any makeup. Her eyes were wide with surprise, and she hadn't moved a single muscle since she first saw me.

I fought off tears at the sight of her and resisted the urge to run over and tackle her because Clarke was clearly in shock and I didn't want to hurt her.

“Sorry I couldn't reply to your texts,” I said, smiling and crying at the same time. “I was a little busy.”

Clarke kept staring at me, but once my words registered in her mind, she shook her head and smiled at me. And then she started running towards me, gaining speed as she got closer and closer and I knew it'd only be seconds before she was in my arms, so I opened them for her. She literally jumped on me, wrapped her arms around my waist and her arms around my neck, and I held onto her for dear life as I tried to steady myself and make sure we didn't both fall. Once we were stable, Clarke kissed my neck and laughed into my skin.

“I'm gonna fucking kill you,” She whispered. “You kept this a secret from me for _how long?_ ”

“Just a few weeks,” I replied. I shifted her weight so she was resting more comfortably against me, and I felt Clarke smile against my skin again.

“So that's why you've been acting so weird,” She said. “You're not cheating on me?”

I laughed at her and thanked soccer and track for keeping me in shape enough that I was still able to hold Clarke up.

“I could never,” I replied, shifting my face so that I could look Clarke in the eyes. She looked so fucking gorgeous, and so happy, and I felt amazing to know that I was the reason she looked so happy.

“Good,” Clarke said as she leaned in and kissed me. It was a quick kiss, since it was interrupted by Jake bringing in my bags, but that kiss was everything I'd been thinking about since Clarke left in August.

After Jake walked in and took note of how Clarke was very literally latched onto me, Clarke finally decided that she could stand on her own two feet again, and climbed off me.

“You sneak,” Clarke said, shaking her finger at Jake as she walked back towards the kitchen and grabbed her fluffy slippers which she must've kicked off when she started to run towards me. I didn't even notice her do that. “You and mom kept this secret from me for weeks!”

“Actually,” Jake said with a smile. “Your mother and I have been planning this for months.”

Clarke pretended to gasp and throw her slipper at Jake, who just laughed and laughed and laughed.

Later that night, after my bags were scattered across Clarke's room, I felt Clarke wrap her arms around me and rest her chin against my shoulder.

“Hey, you,” She whispered, her lips pressing small, soft kisses into my neck. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” I whispered back. I intertwined my fingers with hers where they were resting against my ribcage.

“Now _you_ get to sleep in _my_ bed,” Clarke whispered, and I felt her lips curve into a smile against my skin. I smiled at the thought – how many times had Clarke and I slept in my bed together? Countless times. But this really was the first time Clarke and I would sleep in her bed.

Clarke's hands started to roam against my ribcage, headed upwards towards my breasts. I moved my hands so that one of them tangled into her hair, and I turned my head so that she could kiss me properly, instead of kissing my neck. She smiled and obliged, and when she kissed me this time it was anything but quick. I turned myself around in her arms so we were now standing chest to chest, and I wrapped my arms around her neck. Clarke's hands grasped at the thick material of my cardigan and pushed against my back so I was even closer to her. Her lips moved against mine, and her tongue traced along my bottom lip. I opened my mouth just enough so we could kiss properly, and Clarke sighed.

Her hands trailed down my lower back, and she grabbed at my ass, squeezing me firmly. I moaned into her mouth, and Clarke broke our kiss.

“Get onto the bed,” She breathed. So we did just that. I laid down on Clarke's bed, and she climbed on top of me, and immediately started kissing me again. Her lips were insistent against mine, biting at me and moving her tongue more roughly against my own.

She was straddling me, and her hips started to move slowly against mine. At first, her hands tangled in my hair and pulled, but then she trailed them down and she pushed my cardigan apart.

“Off,” She said. “I want this off.”

I leaned off the bed, using the strength in my abs to support myself as Clarke pushed my cardigan off my shoulders. Once it was finally off, she tossed it off to the side of the bed.

“God, I missed you,” She whispered just before her lips attached to my neck. She left hot, open mouthed kisses on my skin, and occasionally she'd move her tongue against my skin just a little bit.

She trailed her kisses downwards, and my brain just turned off, and I got completely lost in Clarke. My hands were in her hair as she kept kissing me, moving down towards my collarbone, where she sucked and bit at my skin, definitely hard enough to leave a mark. I moaned when I thought about what that meant – about what it meant to Clarke to leave a mark against my skin.

“I told you, I can be possessive,” Clarke whispered against my skin, and I moaned. Her fingers moved the straps of my tank top off my shoulders, and she started to kiss there too.

My hips started to move in tune with the way Clarke's were moving, and that felt fucking amazing.

“Have you ever had an orgasm, Lex?” Clarke whispered. She stopped kissing my skin and looked right at me when she asked that question. Her pupils were massive, and her eyes were full of desire, and her lips were red and swollen. Her hair was no longer in her bun, but it was in her face so I pushed it out of the way.

“No,” I whispered back. “Have you?”

Clarke nodded and my brain exploded. I quirked my eyebrow at her – I wanted to know everything, but at the same time, just imagining Clarke giving herself an orgasm was almost too much for me to process. Clarke smiled at me, but it wasn't an innocent smile. She had this look, and I knew I was completely done for.

“When?” I asked. Clarke shrugged.

“All the time now. But the first time I did it was a few weeks after we got back home from Laughlin this past summer,” Clarke said. She smiled again. “I thought about the last night you and I spent together, and I touched myself.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed because holy shit. Was this really happening? Was Clarke seriously telling me this?

“When I came, I whispered your name,” Clarke said, moving up my body so she was whispering in my ear. “ _Lexa._ ”

I moaned then, and Clarke smiled.

“Do you want me?” Clarke asked. I couldn't say words anymore, so I just nodded. “Do you want me to give you an orgasm?”

_Oh god._

I nodded again, but Clarke smiled again.

“Say it out loud,” She said. I bit my bottom lip, and Clarke stopped smiling and started to stare at my lip.

“I want you to give me an orgasm, Clarke.”

Her eyes fluttered shut and she kissed me, tenderly this time. 

“God, Lexa,” Clarke whispered, her hands threading through my curls again. “You're perfect.”

She pushed against my shoulder gently so I was laying back down on her bed. Clarke followed me and leaned over me, her mouth hovering so close next to mine. She kissed me after she felt she'd teased me enough, but it wasn't a long kiss. Eventually, her lips moved down to my chest. She kissed my skin and left small purple marks against me. Clarke's free hand moved down to my hip and she flicked her tongue against my skin and I moaned. I threaded my fingers through her hair, wanting her closer, wanting just _more_. More of Clarke. More of her mouth on my skin. Just more.

She moved and did the same thing with her mouth and her tongue again, and I'd never really felt like this before. Like every breath I took was in response to something Clarke did to my body, like I would be in pain if she wasn't touching me. Clarke looked up at me and when she caught my eye, I was amazed at the amount of love and desire and heat I saw in her gaze. She moved her kisses lower, against my stomach, and my muscles flexed as my hips were moving completely on their own. Clarke pressed her hands into my hips, holding them down while she kissed my stomach. She rested her head against the skin there, and looked up at me with those blue eyes.

“How did I get this lucky?” She asked. “I'm so in love with you.”

And then she started to undo my jeans and I couldn't think of words anymore. I wanted to tell her I was completely in love with her. That it felt like she was part of my soul. But I couldn't say words anymore. All I could say was her name, and I wasn't even saying her name anymore, I was just moaning her name.

Clarke touched me then. My breaths were short and ragged and I couldn't focus on anything other than the way Clarke was moving. She kissed my knee, and I moaned her name again. All I could think of was Clarke, and what she was doing to me, and how badly I wished she wouldn't stop. She moved up my body so she was resting on top of me, eye to eye.

“Lexa, look at me.”

My eyes flew open and I looked at her and I saw so much love in her eyes and my eyes felt heavy with tears and my body felt heavy with love. With her free hand, Clarke pushed my hair out of my face. When it was over, Clarke smiled and kissed me and I kissed her lips and I bit and sucked at them. When I pulled away, she smiled at me.

“So how was it?” She asked. I blushed.

“Amazing,” I whispered before kissing Clarke again. She smiled into our kiss. She pulled away after a few moments, and took off her own clothes before pulling back her duvet so we could get underneath it.

I laid down on my back in Clarke's bed, my legs feeling like jelly, and Clarke rested her head against my chest.

“What I said last summer still stands, you know,” Clarke said. “Your boobs really are comfier than pillows.”

I laughed at her and drew small circles on her back and on her arm, and eventually we fell asleep.

* * *

On New Years' Eve, Clarke and I went to Raven's house for a party. We got there a few hours early to help Raven set everything up. As soon as she opened the door, she wrapped me into a hug.

“I've really missed you, River Girl,” She said with a smile. Octavia popped her head over Raven's shoulder and smiled at me. When Raven let go of me, Octavia hugged me tightly.

Raven took Clarke's coat, while I handed Octavia my scarf, my hat, my mittens, my coat, and my sweater. It was really fucking cold here.

“So, what can we help with?” Clarke asked once all coats and other winter regalia was put away in the closet.

“Octavia needs help with some party snacks, so I thought Lexa could help her with that,” Raven said.

“Why does Lexa automatically get snack duty with Octavia?” Clarke asked as she crossed her arms. Raven rolled her eyes at her.

“Because I genuinely believe that you could manage to fuck up cheese and crackers, Clarke Griffin. Lexa, however, can bake an entire cake with her eyes closed,” Raven replied. Clarke gave her a dirty look in response, but I think everyone in the room knew Raven was right. “You're stuck with me, Clarke. We're gonna go around each room and hide every single breakable and expensive thing in this house.”

“How fun,” Clarke deadpanned. She leaned over and kissed me quickly, much to Octavia and Raven's surprise. “Be good, Lex.”

I blushed a little, but nodded at Clarke. Octavia gave me a knowing smile and quirked her eyebrow at me. Once Clarke and Raven were out of earshot, Octavia started to lead me into the kitchen, and mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like 'finally.'

Once Octavia had showed me how she'd already started making the wrap rollups and I managed to successfully make about five of them myself, she broke our concentrated silence.

“So, you and Clarke, huh?”

I shrugged at her.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“You guess so?” She asked me. Her brow was furrowed and she sounded pretty perplexed. “What do you mean?”

“We haven't really defined anything,” I said. “But we're together.”

Octavia nodded and was silent for a few moments.

“You know, Lexa, I rarely give advice,” she said. “But if you really like Clarke, you wanna lock that shit down.”

“What?”

“Put a ring on it.”

“You think I should _propose_ to Clarke?”

Octavia sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Lock that shit _down,_ Lexa! Define things! Call her your girlfriend!” Octavia practically yelled. I was pretty taken aback by Octavia outburst, and she sighed and looked up at the kitchen ceiling.

“Why do I feel like this isn't about me and Clarke anymore?” I asked softly. Octavia sighed again and I noticed her eyes fill with tears for a moment, but she took a deep breath and closed her eyes and when she opened them again, there were no tears there.

“Raven and I were a thing. I'm sure Clarke told you,” Octavia said, and I nodded. “I let her go. I lost her to some _fucking idiot_ all because I didn't fight for her. I thought she'd be happier with him, so I let her go. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Do you know how tough it is to see the person you love be happy with someone else?”

I shook my head at her and focused on making the wraps again.

“Lexa, listen to me,” Octavia said. I looked up at her, and her eyes were determined. “When you love someone, letting them go isn't the noble thing to do. You know that saying about how if you really love something, you should set it free? It's bullshit. Don't fucking set it free. Fight for it. I didn't fight for her, and now she's happy with someone else.”

Octavia sighed again and shook her head.

“If you care about Clarke, you should define things with her. Ask her to be your girlfriend. You two are so fucking perfect for each other, it disgusts me,” Octavia said, and I smiled, because even though her words were seriously fucking with my head, she was right about Clarke and I being perfect for each other. “Don't let her slip through your fingers, Lexa.”

* * *

That night at midnight, Clarke and I kissed in front of everyone at the party. It wasn't normal for us to be that public about things, but we'd both had plenty to drink and it made us uninhibited. The kiss wasn't exactly PG-13, either. Clarke definitely grabbed my ass and I totally copped a feel or two. I'm pretty sure Octavia cheered us on at one point.

We were spending the night at Raven's house, and after the other guests all left, Raven showed us to an extra bedroom where we were going to stay.

“Don't fuck in my guest bedroom,” Raven slurred before closing the door. I covered my mouth to stifle my laugh at Clarke's shocked face.

We stripped down to our bra and underwear and got into bed, snuggling into each other immediately.

“Finn's a real dick, huh?” I said. Clarke snorted.

“I'm surprised Octavia hasn't murdered him,” She replied. “I don't really know what Raven sees in him, but he makes her happy, I guess.”

“Octavia said something to me earlier,” I said. “I think she regrets letting Octavia go.”

Clarke nodded.

“She told me that we should make things official,” I continued. “Well, technically she told me I need to _lock this shit down_.”

Clarke laughed at that, and snuggled further into my chest. Her arm was resting over my stomach, and I loved holding Clarke in my arms like this.

“So, do you want to do that?” I asked. Clarke shrugged.

“We've kind of been girlfriends for, like... two years now?” She said. “So I think you've already locked this shit down, Lex.”

“We've been girlfriends for two years now?” I asked. Clarke laughed.

“I guess I probably should've told you that, huh?”

“Probably,” I replied. “It doesn't make that much of a difference, though, does it? Apparently we've been girlfriends for two years and I didn't even know it, so how much of a difference does it make?”

Clarke smiled into my skin.

“It doesn't make a difference for us because we're us,” She said. “I love you. You love me. We're just simple.”

I smiled and wrapped my arms around Clarke a little bit tighter.

* * *

Clarke said goodbye to me at the airport, and we both cried and kissed more times than we could count, and for the first time I understood what it was like to be the one who had to walk away. It wasn't easy, because with each step I took towards my plane back to Laughlin, I wanted to turn back around and never leave Clarke's side. But I had no choice.

Once I landed back in Laughlin, the countdown to summer, and the next time I would see Clarke, began.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few edits have been made to this chapter.


	9. When We Were (still) 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so here's the chapter that prompted the Mass Deletion Event of 2K15. Due to my poor editing skills (fuck my hangover) a part of the chapter that was originally posted was actually part of chapter 10 (AKA When We Were 16). So, when I went to edit the original chapter I posted and re-post with the proper chapter, the Mass Deletion Event of 2K15 happened. Now that we have all calmed down (and by we, I mean me) and I took a nap to gather my thoughts (I took a nap to resist damaging my laptop), here is When We Were (still) 15 THE EDITED VERSION.
> 
> Shit gets angsty and horrible as fuck and that is the only warning about this that you're gonna get.

Those few months after I left Clarke in Washington, D.C. were pretty fucking boring. Every day was the same. I'd go to school, I'd play soccer, I'd run for track practice, I'd text Clarke all day long, and we would Facetime as soon as I got home. I'd eat dinner, I'd get into bed, and I'd fall asleep.

Clarke and I discussed what had happened between us physically at Christmastime, and we both agreed that it hadn't been sex. The next day, when I had tried to touch Clarke, she'd told me that she didn't expect me to reciprocate. It was about firsts. Clarke had already had her first orgasm, and she wanted to share that experience with me. So after I got home, I started to do some research in my spare time.

Surprisingly enough, googling “lesbian sex guide” was not nearly as helpful as I expected. I clicked on the first link I found, which was from Cosmo, and it had illustrations and in all honesty it was all kinds of overwhelming. There was one illustration which was especially traumatic, called “the kinky jockey.” There was literally no way in hell that that could feel good. So I closed that page and decided that I would just wait until Clarke got here to figure out what she liked sexually.

In the meantime, though, I learned a lot about female anatomy, and I also learned that when Clarke gave me my first orgasm, when she rubbed circles against me, she was touching my clitoris. I learned a lot about clits within those few months.

I'd touch myself every once in a while, and learn what I liked and what I didn't like. While learning that kind of stuff was somewhat limiting when it was you touching yourself, and not someone else touching you, it was still useful.

By the time classes let out, I knew I was more than ready to have Clarke in _every_ way possible. Except the kinky jockey way. That was just wrong.

* * *

Clarke was going to fly into Laughlin again just like last year, and this year Anya and I drove to the airport to pick her up, and Anya didn't ruin our reunion. Clarke and I hugged and kissed and Anya made disgusted noises at us, but she didn't say anything about it. I don't think Anya was even a little bit surprised.

“So, like, were you two ever planning on actually telling anyone that you're together? Or were you just waiting for everyone to figure it out on their own?” Anya said as she drove us back to Laughlin. “Because, just so you know, everyone totally already knows. There may be bets on when you're gonna be getting married.”

Clarke laughed and played with my fingers, which were resting in her lap since she'd been holding my hand up until about five minutes ago.

“To be honest, I wouldn't even know where to begin if we had to tell people,” Clarke said.

“Apparently we've been girlfriends for two years and I didn't even know about it,” I added. Anya rolled her eyes at me.

“That's because you're an idiot, Lexa.”

“I have a 4.0,” I replied. Anya sighed.

“You're still an idiot.”

I pouted at Clarke and she laughed and leaned in to kiss me quickly.

“If you two kiss one more time I'm gonna drive off a cliff.”

* * *

When we got back to the resort, Clarke and I carried her bags into my bedroom. She started to open up her suitcases, and before I could even understand what was happening, she was taking off her shirt.

“Uh, Clarke?” I asked. Clarke was working on unhooking her bra, but she looked over her shoulder at me to acknowledge me. “What are you doing?”

“Don't you want to go swimming?” Clarke said as she took off her bra and put it away in her suitcase. Okay, Clarke had been in my house for less than five minutes and she was already topless. Excellent. Wonderful. Everything was fine.

I really tried not to stare, but I ended up sitting down on my bed and watching Clarke as she changed into her swimsuit. It's not like she turned away from me or anything, she just got dressed like normal. She was changing into a black string bikini and I felt like I was dying. She pulled up her bottoms and I couldn't help but notice how perfectly they sat on her rounded hips, and the way the black contrasted against her pale skin. Her waist was so tiny and perfectly defined, and her hips were wide and round but not too wide and round, and her ass was fucking perfection, and -

“Lex? Can you tie me up?”

My brain malfunctioned.

Clarke moved so she was standing right in front of me and I ended up staring right at her breasts and I was still thinking about tying Clarke up.

“Uh...Lexa? Can you tie up my bikini top?” Clarke asked, and I completely snapped out of it at that point. I grabbed her hips so I could turn her around and properly tie up her bikini at her neck and at her back. “Thank you. Are you gonna change?”

I cleared my throat and nodded. I honestly didn't know that seeing Clarke in a bikini was going to fuck me up this much. How was I going to swim with her if I was constantly thinking about having sex with her? Is this just what my life is going to be like now? Am I going to be a slave to my sex drive, a slave to my desire to fuck Clarke Griffin?

Okay, maybe that wouldn't be too awful.

* * *

A few days after Clarke first got here, Lincoln drove us out to a party. Some people we knew from high school were having a get together at a nearby cove, and Lincoln had asked me to go with him. Of course, I wouldn't go without Clarke, and so we all ended up piled into Lincoln's truck.

“So how do you know these people?” Clarke asked, while Lincoln drove.

“We all go to high school together,” Lincoln responded.

“But like, isn't your high school big? How can you just know these people?” Clarke pressed. I grabbed her hand and leaned into her shoulder.

“I really don't think you understand the concept of a small town high school, where everyone knows each other,” I said. Clarke stuck her tongue out at me and I smiled back at her and remembered the first time she did that, and how tempted I was back then to just grab her tongue. Now, she looked so adorable that I just wanted to kiss her.

Lincoln pulled into the cove and parked the truck.

“Alright, remember, we're out of here by 1 am because that's when my mom is gonna come to break this thing up,” Lincoln said. “And we do not want to face the wrath of my mother.”

“Did you seriously tell your mom not to break the party up until after we could leave?” I asked him with a smile. He shrugged and got out of the car.

“Being the sheriff's kid has it's benefits, I guess,” He replied. Clarke quirked her eyebrow at me as we got out of the car. Lincoln had already walked over to where a crowd had gathered around a bonfire pit.

“Lincoln's mom is the town sheriff,” I explained. “She's super tough and a real no nonsense kind of person. But Lincoln knows exactly when to leave parties, so hanging out with him has its advantages.”

Clarke smiled at me and grabbed my hand and we walked over to the bonfire pit together. A few coolers were laying around, wide open, filled with ice and beer.

“Do you want a beer?” I asked. Clarke nodded, and I felt around in the cooler to grab the two coldest ones I could find. They weren't freezing cold, but they weren't warm – somewhere in between. “Sorry, these are the coldest ones I could find.”

“That's okay,” Clarke replied as she took out her keychain and opened up our bottles using a bottle opener she had attached to her keychain. She then proceeded to chug her beer, and I stared at her slack-jawed and somewhat turned on while she did so. When she was finished, she tossed her bottle in a nearby trash can, and asked me to grab her another. This time, she didn't chug it, and took small sporadic sips while we sat around the fire.

Everyone was fawning over Clarke, partially because she was the new girl, and partially because they had all 'heard so much about her' and were so happy to finally meet the girl that I apparently constantly talked about. Clarke shot me smiles every time someone would insinuate that I couldn't shut up about Clarke, and I just smiled back as much as I could and sipped on my beer.

“So... you sure must talk about me a lot if everyone here knows me,” Clarke said with a smile. She was still working on her second beer, and I was close to starting my third.

“Maybe I do,” I replied with a shrug and a grin. Clarke leaned into me and rested her head against my shoulder.

“I talk about you a lot, too, you know,” Clarke whispered into my neck. “Hey, did I tell you that Raven and Octavia are gonna come down this summer? Just for a week, but still. They really like you.”

“That's because I'm a very likeable person, Clarke.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at me.

“Sure, Lex.”

I smiled at her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders and kissed her cheek about a billion times before Clarke turned her head and I could kiss her properly. There were a few whoops and hollers from the crowd around the bonfire, but that really didn't stop us. We kissed and cuddled and just hung out for a while longer before Lincoln came over and tapped me on the shoulder to let me know that we needed to be headed out. By that point, the party had largely died out, but there were still a few people around who were still drinking pretty heavily. Lincoln hadn't drank anything, since he was the only one who actually had a license. He drove us home to the resort, all while Clarke rested her head on my shoulder.

“I'm so sleepy, Lex,” Clarke said. “I can't wait to get home and get into bed. With you, of course. Can't wait to get into bed with you.”

I rubbed Clarke's side soothingly, and I could feel her almost falling asleep in my arms.

“Hey, babe, don't fall asleep,” I whispered. “We're only five minutes away from home. You can do it, Clarke, just stay awake.”

I just really didn't want to have to carry Clarke into my house after I'd had a few beers. It's not like I was really drunk or anything, but I was definitely buzzed and I could just _imagine_ Anya's face, sitting on the couch and waiting up for us to get home, and watching me struggle to carry Clarke into my bedroom. Anya would never let me live it down.

“I don't think you've ever called me 'babe' before,” Clarke replied. I smiled at her. It's true, I never really referred to Clarke by any of those pet names.

“Well, you are a babe, and you're my babe, so please just stay awake.”

Lincoln was mostly silent throughout the ride home, but Lincoln was a pretty silent kind of guy, so that was normal for him. We got back to the resort in one piece, and Clarke was even awake enough to stumble through my house and crash into my bed.

“Come to bed, Lex, please,” Clarke said from where she was laying face down on my bed. She reached her hand out behind her towards me, like she wanted me to grab her hand and just lie down next to her.

“Ok, I'll be back in two minutes, I'm just gonna grab some water for us.”

“I'm not gonna last two minutes, so you better be faster than that,” Clarke responded. So I hurried when I got us the water. I put both glasses full of water down on my nightstand, took off all my clothes, and climbed in bed next to Clarke. Clarke didn't stand to take off her clothes. She merely kept laying down and took them off that way.

When we both got under the covers, we cuddled into each others arms and were asleep within seconds.

* * *

A few weeks later, Raven and Octavia came to the river. Raven was, thankfully, without Finn. I think Octavia, Clarke, and I were all pretty relieved about that. Finn wasn't a bad guy or anything like that, it's just that I couldn't really get along with him that well. Part of it probably had to do with the fact that I knew Octavia would get back together with Raven in a heartbeat if she and Finn ever broke up. But it was also just nice to be just us four hanging out at the river, just like old times.

Uncle Gustus let us take the boat out almost every day, and I would drive us out to different coves where we would swim and pack a picnic and chat. Octavia and Raven would tan, and sometimes Clarke and I would get lulled to sleep by the gentle rocking of the boat in the water.

On one of those days, Clarke and Raven happened to be swimming nearby and playing catch when Octavia and I got to talking again. It wasn't that I wasn't close with Raven, but it seemed like the important conversations always seemed to happen between me and Octavia.

“You know,” I said as I walked around the boat and cleaned up what was left over from our lunch. “You don't really talk about Lincoln much anymore. Why is that?”

Octavia smiled at me and shrugged.

“I like Lincoln,” She replied. “He's a really nice guy, and I would probably date him. But I... I don't know. I feel like Raven is my person, and maybe I'm too naive and too hopeful that she'll dump that idiot Finn and come back to me for me to want to date anyone else. Maybe in a few years. I don't know.”

She laughed then and tossed a bag of empty chips in the garbage bag I'd brought with us.

“If I'm still not over Raven by next summer, then I'm screwed for life, right?” She asked, still smiling, but I could tell through her eyes that she was very serious. I walked over to her and I hugged her.

“It'll be alright, O,” I said. “You'll always love Raven, and that's okay.”

Octavia nodded and hugged me back.

“You know how lucky you and Clarke are? You two just make it work,” Octavia said. “You're thousands of miles apart for most of the year, and neither of you has ever wanted to break up with the other person, or try to be with someone else. That's amazing. You're both so lucky.”

I smiled at her and nodded.

“I know,” I replied. “I can't even imagine what life would be like without Clarke.”

“Never forget what I told you,” Octavia said, her voice even and serious. “Don't let her slip through your fingers.”

“I won't.”

* * *

“They've totally already fucked,” Raven said the following morning. We were hauling all our things into the boat for the day, and Raven and Octavia were eyeing some hickeys I'd left all over Clarke's chest and neck the night before. Clarke tried to get away with wearing a coverup, but it didn't work because it was a v-neck and it showed everything anyway.

I blushed at Raven's words and Octavia winked at me. Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Not that it's any of your business,” Clarke said in a stern voice. “But no, we have not.”

At that, Octavia and Raven both pouted.

“Well that's a shame, I was hoping for some details,” Raven said. Clarke just smiled at her friend and shook her head. “It's been ages since I slept with O, I can barely even remember what an orgasm _every time_ feels like anymore.”

“Then stop having sex with boys,” Clarke replied. Raven pouted. I smirked at Octavia and raised my eyebrow at her, mouthing 'an orgasm _every time_ , huh?' while Octavia smirked and blushed all at the same time.

“Sex with boys sucks,” Raven said as she continued to pout. “Maybe we should just get back together, O.”

“I'm not your sex slave, Raven,” Octavia responded, but she smiled at her to soften her words. I could tell Octavia was serious, though. Raven smiled at her and hugged her.

“Please? Just one more time for old times' sake?” Raven joked and Octavia pushed her. “One more romp in the sack? Roll in the hay? Please just go down on me one more time.”

“I said no.”

Clarke and I laughed at their antics, but I knew that Octavia had way more strength than I did because if I was in the same position with Clarke, I probably wouldn't be able to say no.

* * *

That night, Clarke and I were watching a movie when we heard it. A loud bang that rang out through the resort, and the sound of Anya screaming afterward. She had been closing up the convenience store and making sure the laundromat was closed for the night, which was usually what Gustus did, but he was supposed to be coming back from the grocery store any minute now.

Clarke and I got up and ran outside right away, both terrified at what we were going to find. I nearly threw up when I saw it – Uncle Gustus' car wrapped around a telephone pole just outside the entrance to the marina. Anya was screaming and trying to get to him, and I ran up the drive to get to the car. Clarke called out to me, saying she was going to phone 911 from her cabin and get Jake, but I could barely understand what she was saying.

When I finally got to the car, I understood why Anya was screaming so much. Uncle Gustus was trapped, and bleeding and barely able to stay conscious. Anya was pulling at every door, trying to get something open, but it wasn't working. I reached inside the shattered window towards Uncle Gustus and ignored the stinging pain of glass cutting my arm.

“Hey, it's gonna be ok,” I said even though I didn't believe my words. Anya stopped screaming and came to stand next to me. Uncle Gustus gestured out to us with his left hand, which was all he could move. He grabbed onto us tightly, and his breathing was shallow.

“My girls,” He said, his voice weak. I had to strain myself to hear him. “My girls.”

“We're here, dad,” Anya said as she wrapped her arm around my waist and held me close to her. I couldn't focus on anything anymore. I couldn't see through the tears, and my chest felt like it was going to collapse in on itself. I wanted to sob my eyes out, but if I did that I wouldn't be able to hear Gustus. And I knew what was coming, and I knew I had to hear him, because this was it. 

I heard feet running against gravel, and I knew it was Clarke and Jake, and possibly Raven and Octavia, coming to help. I wanted to tell them it was too late.

“Stay strong,” Gustus said. And then his eyes closed and I knew he was gone.

* * *

Three days later, it was Gustus' funeral. Anya and I weren't able to organize anything, because we were both just...not there. It was like I was on autopilot. I ate, I drank water, I slept, I went to the bathroom, repeat. Food didn't taste good. I couldn't find the strength to shower. I didn't leave the house. If it wasn't for Abby and Jake, I don't know if Anya and I would've even managed that well. Clarke helped too, of course, and so did Octavia and Raven, but Clarke was...sensitive. She couldn't see me upset without getting upset herself. Jake and Abby kept our house running. Abby took extra time off work so she could take care of Anya and I. She cooked for us. She did our laundry. She cleaned our house. She and Jake made all the arrangements for Uncle Gustus' funeral, and did all the work of finding him a plot where we would bury him.

Anya and Clarke and I would sleep in the living room at night. My room was full of good memories with Clarke, and I didn't want to taint that room with the sadness, the sheer emptiness of Gustus' death. Anya couldn't sleep on her own, and Clarke didn't want to leave us. Even though Anya and Clarke weren't exactly what I would call close, they were close in their own way.

Everyone came to the funeral, Abby and Jake, Octavia and Raven, Clarke, Lincoln, everyone from the high school, and all of Uncle Gustus' friends, but I don't remember it. Clarke told me afterwards that I nearly passed out during the service, and that she and Jake held me up while I cried. She said that Anya kept it together though. Good. At least one of us was able to.

I was terrified. Terrified of being alone for this year, because Anya would have to go back to UCLA and Clarke would have to go back to Washington, D.C., and I would have to stay here and finish high school. I'd have to stay here and Lincoln and I would have to run the resort. Anya could only help so much from LA.

That night, after Anya was asleep, I turned to Clarke and I begged her to stay with me and we both sobbed for hours.

“I'm gonna be all alone here,” I sobbed. “No one to come home to. No one to look after me anymore. I can't be a kid anymore, this place is gonna be mine now that he's gone. What am I gonna do?”

“We're gonna find a way through this,” Clarke said. But for the first time, I couldn't believe her. I couldn't think of any way that we could find a way through this.

* * *

Eventually, Octavia and Raven left, and Jake kept typing away at his laptop day in and day out, and Abby stayed for the whole summer, and my house started to feel like a home again. My chest didn't feel like it was going to cave in on me at any second anymore. But I could still hear Gustus' laugh in these walls, and smell his shampoo in the bathroom, and it killed me to walk by his bedroom. After the funeral, Anya tore up her entire room and couldn't stop screaming for five hours, and watching her break down broke my heart because Anya was always the strong one. She was always the one who kept it together for us. But she deserved to be able to scream, she deserved her anger and her grief. She lost her father, and I lost my Uncle, and while we were both grieving, I remembered what it was like to lose my parents when I was 5, and it was different.

Anya started to gather her things to head back to UCLA, and Clarke started to pack her things too. Her sunburn started to peel, and it terrified me just like it used to when I was a kid.

“Someday, I want to marry you,” Clarke whispered into my shoulder on the morning that she had to leave. “I want to be with you forever.”

I stared at her with wide eyes, but the idea wasn't scary. It just wasn't something I'd even considered before. Something I couldn't even think of then, because marriage was supposed to be a happy thing and I felt... I felt like I wasn't even a person anymore. I felt like I was agony and grief personified. I felt like breathing was a chore. Some days were harder than others and I'd really have to talk myself into getting ready for the day, because each day that passed me by was one day closer to Clarke and Anya leaving.

“I want to be with you forever, too,” I whispered back. “I just... you know.”

Clarke nodded at me and kissed my shoulder. She did know. She knew that I couldn't think about it. Because the thought of Clarke staying with me forever and never leaving was now more appealing than ever and I couldn't think of it because if I did, I would break.

“I think about marrying you a lot,” She said. “Because we'd be together every day, forever. We could live in our own house together. Wherever we live, either here, or in D.C., or somewhere else entirely. I think I could be anywhere as long as I'm with you. Maybe we'd have a few kids and a dog. A house of our own. We can have it all, eventually.”

My eyes filled with tears at the thought, and my chest ached for the future Clarke described. I wished with every atom of my being for this to be my present. For Clarke to stay with me. Because if Clarke stayed, maybe that would make Anya leaving easier. If Clarke stayed, maybe I would be able to get through the next few months without Uncle Gustus. Eventually it had to get easier than this, right?

“Yeah,” I said, tears slipping down my cheeks. “Eventually.”

Clarke's own eyes were filled with tears too, and she leaned up to kiss me gently.

“One day I won't leave,” she whispered. She squeezed me tightly and my chest felt like it was really gonna collapse then, but not because she hugged me too tight. It was because she said 'one day' and not 'today.'

“I know,” I said. “But today you will leave, and it hurts so bad every time, but this year I don't know how I'll even be able to do anything after you leave. Will this get easier? Will I stop missing him?”

“I don't think it'll ever be easy for me to say goodbye to you, Lex,” Clarke whispered. “And it will get easier, but I don't think you'll ever stop missing him.”

I sniffled and wiped away Clarke's tears as she wiped away my own.

“I know,” I said. “In a way, I wish it was easier, but in another way, I don't. Because if it was easier it would mean that I wouldn't love you as much as I do. It would mean I didn't love him as much as I do. And I do love you, and I do love him.”

Clarke kissed me so I wouldn't start to cry.

“I know,” She whispered before snuggling back into my chest and wrapping her arms around me. “I love him, too.”

That morning, Jake packed up the car and he hugged me really tightly before he left.

“Take care of her, okay?” I asked him, trying to fight off my tears. Because I really couldn't deal with anything happening to Clarke, especially now. She was my person.

“Always will,” He said. “You take care, Lex. Anything you need, Lex, _anything_. Money, a friend to talk to, you need us to come down here, anything, you call me or Abby and we'll take care of you. You're part of our family, too.”

“Thanks, Jake.”

I walked over to Clarke and we hugged and kissed for such a long time, but it wasn't long enough. It would never be long enough. Jake pulled out of the marina, and I felt empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me.


	10. When We Were 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wants to watch her world burn, but doesn't consider the consequences.

That year was the hardest of all the years, by far. Anya came back home as often as she could, and Lincoln and Indra basically moved onto the resort to keep me company, but it just wasn't the same. Lincoln was doing online college courses, and managing the resort for me. Anya was managing all online bookings from LA, and Lincoln was doing basically everything else. I was taking care of the convenience store and managing my GPA and I had to quit soccer and the track team.

I talked to Clarke every day, but it wasn't the same. She wasn't here next to me, she couldn't help out with the resort, and I was overwhelmed and tired and falling asleep in my empty house at night was really hard. I used to keep the TV on so I had some white noise, because Uncle Gustus used to snore a little and it helped to have some noise in the house.

Jake and Abby would call me every week to check up on me and see if I needed anything. I never did need money or for them to come down because I completely lost it, or anything like that. But their calls mattered to me so much.

Anya and I would talk every day, but it was tough. I think all we wanted to do was share in our grief and our pain, but it was tough to do that over the phone because we both knew that if we did that, if we broke down, there would be no one there to help us pick up the pieces. But when Anya would visit during reading week or Thanksgiving, we would break down and we would help each other pick up the pieces.

Starting to talk about Uncle Gustus in the past tense was tough for everyone, I think. Lincoln couldn't even do it for the first few months. I think they'd been pretty close, since Lincoln's dad walked out on him and Indra when Lincoln was only small. Uncle Gustus had been training Lincoln for years. It helped to have Indra and Lincoln around. Indra sold her place in town and basically bought out the nicest cabin so she and Lincoln could stay nearby. Indra was tough, and didn't take anybody's crap, but she inspired me to be tough throughout this whole thing. When I thought I'd had enough, I'd look at Indra and I would convince myself that I could do this. I could run this place.

Clarke and Jake and Abby came down to spend Christmas with Anya and I, but it didn't make it that much easier. I was happy to see Clarke, of course, happy to have her by my side again, but I knew it was only for a short time. Abby and Jake didn't even stay in a cabin this time, they just slept on an air mattress in the living room. Anya and Abby had gotten somewhat close since Uncle Gustus' death, and I think the main reason was because Abby had kind of stepped in and taken over the house right after Uncle Gustus died. Abby wanted to give Anya a chance to grieve, rather than feel like she had responsibility thrust onto her shoulders right away in the form of a depressed teenager and a house to manage and a resort to manage. Anya needed to be just a college kid, who could focus on getting her degree. Of course, she helped with the resort however she could, but I told her all the time that I needed her main focus to be college.

Since Gustus and Anya and I never really made a big deal out of Christmas, Jake and Abby and Clarke did the same this year. Small gifts were exchanged, but we didn't make a turkey or anything like that. We watched movies together all afternoon and made popcorn and drank tea. Clarke snuggled into my side and her presence was soothing. After so many months of feeling alone and overwhelmed and scared, I felt like a teenager again when Anya and Abby and Jake and Clarke were all here.

When Clarke and I climbed into bed that night, she let me snuggle into her.

“How're you doing?” She whispered as she placed a kiss onto my hair.

“I'm okay,” I whispered back. “It's tough, and I miss him a lot most days, but today I missed him really badly. You know, most days it's pretty obvious that he's missing – he doesn't take time in the bathroom during my mornings anymore, he doesn't drive his car around, he doesn't walk in the door at 7 and ask what's for dinner. Today, though, it was really obvious. He's not here anymore. And it sucks.”

Clarke hugged me tighter.

“I'm sorry, Lex,” she said. “I wish I could do more for you. I wish I could take away the pain of it all. I wish I could stay here with you, because maybe if I did it wouldn't hurt so bad.”

I rested my cheek on Clarke's shoulder and smelled her shampoo and it soothed me. The ache in my chest didn't feel quite as bad anymore. But I knew the ache would come back, because Clarke was just a bandaid right now. She couldn't help me through my grief for my uncle. It was something I would have to deal with basically on my own. But she did comfort me, and I appreciated it.

We fell asleep together that night, and when I woke up in the morning Anya was in bed with us.

“Hey,” She said. “I just needed to be close to you.”

I nodded at her and pulled away from Clarke's side to wrap my arms around Anya.

“How've you been, Squirt?” She asked me, with a smile on her face that didn't reach her eyes.

“Not that great,” I replied. “You?”

“Same,” She said. “I really miss it here, you know? I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” I replied. Anya closed her eyes and sighed.

“Maybe I should just come home and forget about UCLA,” She whispered. “I don't think I can be away from here for much longer.”

My eyes went wide at her words. Anya couldn't abandon her education just to come back home. Well, she could, but I didn't want it to be because of me that she felt she needed to be back here.

“Don't do it just cause of me,” I said. “You can make your own decisions and stuff, but don't come back here just cause you think it'd be good for me.”

Anya furrowed her brow and shook her head.

“No, Lexa,” She replied. “I know you're strong, and I know you can manage things here with Lincoln and Indra's help. I'm thinking about coming back because I just can't manage being at UCLA anymore. My grades are dropping, I can't focus on my lectures. I miss home, and I miss you, and I can't get over my dad being gone when I'm so far away from home. It'll take me ages to get over this if I just stay there. I need to be here, surrounded by his things, by memories of him. I need to get through this and let him go.”

Tears filled my eyes and I nodded at Anya.

“Do whatever you have to do,” I said.

* * *

Clarke and Abby and Jake left just after New Years', and Anya didn't go back to UCLA. She took online courses from home, like Lincoln, and I wish I could say that things got better, but they got worse. Anya being home meant that I could focus on being a teenager again, I could rejoin the track team and the soccer team, but it felt like everything I had kept at bay for months hit me all at once and I just couldn't do anything anymore. My grades started to slip, and my teachers tried to reach out to help me, but I didn't let them. Anya and I would scream at each other and when we were done screaming we would just hold each other and cry. I was hurting and Anya knew it, but there was nothing anyone could do for me anymore. I was self-destructing.

Anya would try to encourage me to go hang out with my friends, to spend time with Lincoln, to talk to Clarke, but everything in my life started to fall apart. I lashed out at Clarke, over the silliest things, and I couldn't understand why she was still talking to me, let alone how fucking supportive she was being. Lincoln was still there for me, and he put up with so much shit from me I couldn't understand why he stuck around either. On one particularly bad day, during one of our screaming matches, Anya summed things up pretty accurately.

“You want everything in your life to go to shit, Lexa,” She screamed. “You're pushing Clarke away, you're pushing Lincoln away, your grades are going down the fucking toilet, you go out with random people from other towns and drink yourself fucking silly! If you want your life to turn into a steaming pile of shit, then keep going this way! But don't think I won't fight with you over it, because I sure as hell will! You deserve better than a steaming pile of shit life! Clarke deserves better than what you're putting her through. Don't think she doesn't fucking call me crying asking me where you are, what you're doing, if she should fucking come down here to try to remind you about what's important in life! That girl loves you! Lincoln loves you! I love you, you _fucking idiot_! Your life will not turn into a steaming pile of shit if I have anything to do with it. I will never fucking give up on you, so you better fucking stop giving up on yourself!”

After that conversation, I think I realized that I had a problem. But I wasn't ready to get help for it yet. I wanted to self destruct a little more, but just avoid taking other people down with me.

So I called one of the girls from out of town that I would go drinking with, because tonight I wanted to watch my world burn.

* * *

Her name was Costia, and she came to pick me up in a beat up old truck. She wasn't allowed onto the resort, because Anya would genuinely beat the shit out of her, so I met her a mile west of the resort. We drove out to some random cliff, and Costia brought booze just for me because even though I was self-destructing, I was still somewhat responsible and always had a designated driver.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Costia asked me as I cracked open my fifth beer.

“Sometimes if I drink enough, I don't feel things anymore,” I said as I tossed the bottle cap over the edge of the cliff. “But sometimes, I feel everything even more. It's a hit or miss.”

Costia shook her head at me.

“You're dumb, Lexa,” She said. “You've got a girl who's crazy for you who's blowing up your phone right now and you're just sitting here drinking your ass off and ignoring her.”

“She's not here right now,” I replied. “If she was here right now, maybe I'd be responsible and I'd stop drinking.”

“What do you want, Lexa?” Costia asked me, reaching over to grab my hand which I was currently using as my support as I leaned back. My skin didn't like her touch. It wasn't the same as Clarke's.

But Clarke wasn't here right now and I don't think Clarke would even want to be here right now because I was a mess and she would probably hate me. She loved me when I would take care of her, when I was able to take care of more people than just myself. Except now, I can't even take care of myself.

“I don't know,” I replied. “I think I want to forget. But I don't want to forget at the same time. I want to remember and I want to burn and I want to curl up in a ball and die.”

Costia leaned over and she kissed my cheek and I nearly threw up. I pulled away from her and finished the rest of my beer. Costia grabbed my neck and pulled my face so I was facing her and she forced her lips onto mine, and I had to pull away because she wasn't Clarke, and Clarke was definitely going to leave me now, and Anya was right because my life was going to turn into a steaming pile of shit. Clarke was the only person I've ever loved with all my heart and I'd just cheated on her. I'd just kissed someone else. I mean, technically, I didn't kiss Costia, because I didn't move my lips at all, but Costia kissed me.

I pulled away from Costia and I did throw up then. Right over the cliff. I hadn't thrown up since I was 9. Costia tried to rub my back but it wasn't like Clarke did when she soothed me after I dry heaved into the toilet that one year before she left, and if anything I think Costia made me throw up more.

I took every bit of effort I had inside me and I stood up and walked away from Costia, back towards the road. I had luckily grabbed my phone before I left, and I ignored Costia calling after me as I started to run towards the road. Everything was moving and my head was spinning and I felt like I was going to throw up again. I betrayed Clarke.

I phoned Lincoln and asked him to please come and pick me up. He said that he would be there as soon as he could, and he could find me if I would just turn on my location on my phone, which I did because I had no fucking clue where I was.

I saw headlights a while later, and it was Lincoln in his truck and he helped me off the side of the road where I had lay down to look at the stars. I was crying because I remembered all the nights when Clarke and I would look at the stars when we were kids, all the nights when Uncle Gustus and Abby would have to yell at us to come inside because we just didn't want to be apart. I threw up again before I got into Lincoln's car. He handed me a plastic baggy just in case I got sick again, but I didn't need it because I spent the whole ride home sobbing.

Anya was waiting for me outside of the house, and she didn't even look mad at me, and that's how I knew I had really fucked up this time. Anya just looked sad and disappointed and I cried harder when she hugged me.

“Are you ready to let me help you?” She asked me as she held me up because I couldn't stand anymore. I said yes.

She and Lincoln helped me inside, and Anya told him she could handle it from here once she got me onto my bed. She forced me to sit up and drink a glass of water, but slowly. She handed me about four breath mints, because she knew I couldn't make it to the bathroom to brush my teeth. She sat behind me and brushed and braided my hair while I cried and ignored more of Clarke's texts and phone calls. Anya even helped me change into my pyjamas. When I was all ready for bed, Anya lay down next to me, and wiped my cheeks because I could't stop crying.

“She's gonna hate me tomorrow,” I said as I gestured to my phone. Anya furrowed her brow at me.

“Who? Clarke?” Anya asked. I nodded my head. “I don't even think that's possible. She loves you, Lex. Even though you've been fucking up a lot lately, she loves you.”

I shook my head at Anya.

“You don't understand,” I whispered. “Costia...”

“What? What did she do?”

“She kissed me.”

Anya stared at me with wide eyes and she held my hand tightly.

“You'll get through this,” Anya said. “Clarke knows you're hurting. It'll be okay.”

I cried some more and eventually fell asleep. But I didn't believe Anya's words. I had fucked Clarke around for long enough, and she would probably never come back here after I told her about Costia.

* * *

The next morning, I texted Clarke first, which hadn't happened in months.

_Lexa (09:58am): Hey. I'm sorry about last night. Things got really hard._

_Clarke (09:59am): It's ok. Are you okay?_

_Lexa (09:59am): I'm not okay._

_Clarke (10:00am): Did something happen to you? Are you hurt? Do you need me to come down there?_

_Lexa (10:00am): No, I'm not hurt physically. I wish you would come down here, but I don't think you're going to want to after this._

_Clarke (10:01am): Why?_

_Clarke (10:01am): What happened?_

_Lexa (10:02am): This girl, Costia. I normally go out drinking with her and some of her friends. She kissed me last night._

_Clarke (10:05am): Did you kiss her back?_

_Lexa (10:05am): No. I pushed her away and threw up over the side of the cliff._

_Lexa (10:06am): I'm sorry. It's not okay and I know it, so please don't say it's okay._

_Clarke (10:10am): It's not. It's not okay. But it's done._

_Lexa (10:10am): I love you._

_Clarke (10:11am): Yeah._

_Clarke (10:12am): I love you, too._

_Clarke (10:12am): It's just_

_Clarke (10:12am): It's just that I wish I was there so I could look into your eyes and know if you're telling the truth._

_Lexa (10:13am): You're the only person I've ever wanted to be with._

_Clarke (10:13am): Yeah._

_Lexa (10:15am): Clarke, what does this mean?_

_Clarke (10:20am): I don't know._

_Lexa (10:20am): Are we still together?_

_Clarke (10:21am): That's up to you._

_Lexa (10:21am): Can you forgive me?_

_Clarke (10:25am): Eventually, I think so. Right now, I don't even understand how this is happening._

_Clarke (10:26am): I thought you were it, you know? The One._

_Lexa (10:27am): Can I still be it for you?_

_Clarke (10:30am): I think so._

_Clarke (10:30am): I'm just hurt._

_Clarke (10:31am): I keep thinking about you kissing someone else and it's fucking with my head._

_Clarke (10:31am): I almost wish you hadn't told me._

_Lexa (10:31am): I tell you everything._

_Clarke (10:32am): I know._

_Clarke (10:33am): I do still love you, you know._

_Lexa (10:34am): I love you, too._

_Lexa (10:35am): Anya says she's gonna help me._

_Clarke (10:35am): That's good._

_Clarke (10:40am): Please don't kiss anyone else._

_Lexa (10:41am): I promise. I love you and I'm sorry. I fucked up so bad. That was all I thought the whole way home last night. I thought I was for sure gonna lose you. Losing you would be the biggest mistake of my whole life._

_Clarke (10:45am): I think I'm gonna come down next week. It's spring break. I need to see you. I can't do this long distance thing anymore. You're fucking your entire life up over there, you're fucking up things with me, and I'm not gonna let you do that._

_Clarke (10:46am): I need you to stop fucking things up._

_Lexa (10:46am): Okay._

* * *

Anya went by herself to pick Clarke up at the airport because I had just started my antidepressants and I wasn't feeling too hot. I was nauseous a lot of the time, I was tired and drowsy, and I was constantly thirsty. I felt like a shell of a person.

Anya had got rid of all the booze in the house, and with Sheriff Indra on the resort, I was under pretty close watch. I started to try to get back into school, to pick up the slack, but it was tough and I was kicking myself for falling so far behind.

When Clarke walked in the door, I cried as soon as I saw her. And not because I was happy to see her (even though I was happy, but it was difficult to tell because my emotions were a mess these days), but because she looked at me like I was the most important person in the world and I really wasn't. I had kissed someone else, and I was awful.

But Clarke just sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around me and I cried into her shirt and she said it was okay. Anya made us all cups of tea, and Clarke stayed with her arm wrapped around me while I drank it. She kissed my cheek and it felt right. She held my hand and it felt like I was home.

* * *

Clarke and I worked on our homework together while she was here. She helped me understand things that should have been easy for someone who used to have a 4.0, and she helped me through all the times when I really just wanted to give up.

We slept in the same bed at night and Clarke would kiss me chastely and respectfully, and we would snuggle, but my desire for Clarke was almost completely gone. And it wasn't because Clarke wasn't desirable – she was gorgeous, and I was still in love with her. But my desire to do anything even a little sexual just plummeted. It was like I wasn't completely human anymore. I felt betrayed by my body, but Clarke said that it was okay, and that she was here for me no matter what.

“Even if I never get to sleep with you, I'd rather be with you than not be with you at all,” Clarke said. “I'm in love with you. Every part of you. Your eyes, your lips, your body, your brain, your soul. Every bit of you, I love. You're more to me than just a body, more to me than just a sexual being.”

Clarke let me snuggle into her and she ran her fingers through my hair.

“I'm so lucky to have you,” I said. Clarke kissed my hair and laughed.

“No, Lex. We're both lucky to have each other.”

* * *

 

Clarke left after spring break was over and it was tough to say goodbye, but I knew it was necessary. I worked my ass off at school, I rejoined the soccer team and the track team, and Anya would smile at me with pride when I would come home from school. My days got easier.

I still managed to fuck up my GPA so badly that I needed to go to summer school, but it was okay. Clarke and Abby and Jake were going to come down for the summer anyway (Abby was even coming for the full two months), and I'd still get to spend time with them.

Clarke and I spent that summer working on our relationship, almost like we were building everything new again. I had to work through my guilt over almost ruining the single most important relationship in my life, and Clarke had to accept that while we loved each other deeply, sometimes that love wouldn't always be enough to pull me out of a bad place. Sometimes, you really have to fuck up before you realize how much of a mistake you've made. It was something that both of us learned from as we kept spending time together over the summer.

By the time it was over, and Clarke and her parents were headed back to D.C., I was off my antidepressants, but I wasn't completely back to normal. I think we were realistic about how long it was really going to take me to feel normal again, and we knew that feeling normal again may not mean feeling exactly like I did before my uncle died. Things have changed, and I changed. And it's okay.

Clarke wrapped her arms around me and we kissed before she left. Abby and Jake hugged me, too, and I was glad to see that they still trusted me with their daughter despite the amount of times I fucked up this year.

When they pulled out of the resort, I didn't feel empty this year. It hurt, it killed to watch Clarke leave, and to know that this year ahead of us would be a struggle, but I had faith that we would come out of this on top. That we would still be together ten years down the line, fifteen years down the line, twenty years down the line.

Clarke was my person, and I was hers. And at the end of the day, she's the person I think about right before I fall asleep. My life doesn't depend on her, but she makes it better, and I think that's what love should be about. Finding someone who can accept you at your good moments, your bad moments, your boring moments. Clarke was that person for me.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bad news: this probably really sucked to read because it was hard to write. I'm sorry.
> 
> The good news: things get better from here on.


	11. When We Were 17

That year was easier. It wasn't easy, but it was easier. Anya finished up her degree from UCLA, but she did it all online. I picked up the slack from last year, and worked my ass off to raise my marks up again. I was back on the track team and the soccer team, and I was proud of myself for it. I worked at the convenience store on the weekends, but we weren't busy during the year so I was able to do homework while I was there, and I was able to text and talk to Clarke.

I would talk to Octavia and Raven sometimes, and they told me that they were planning on coming down to Laughlin this summer. Raven and Finn broke up, and I think Clarke and Octavia were relieved about it.

In November, I walked into the office to drop off the stock lists and cash information from the convenience store, and I found Anya and Lincoln making out. They seemed pretty embarrassed by the whole thing, but probably weren't as embarrassed as I was. First of all, I couldn't believe Anya actually managed to keep her relationship with Lincoln a secret from me, and second of all, I thought Lincoln was still totally obsessed with Octavia. They begged me not to tell Indra, and I didn't know why exactly, but I agreed to it anyway.

I got home that night and immediately texted Clarke.

_Lexa (09:24pm): Totally just caught Anya and Lincoln making out in the office._

_Clarke (09:24pm): OMG RAVEN OWES ME FIFTEEN BUCKS_

_Lexa (09:25pm): wtf_

_Lexa (09:25pm): did you and Raven BET ON THIS_

_Lexa (09:26pm): I guess it's too late to get in on this action, huh?_

_Clarke (09:26pm): A little, babe._

_Lexa (09:27pm): :'(_

_Lexa (09:27pm): I've been sworn to secrecy. I'm not allowed to tell Indra, but they didn't say anything about not telling you._

_Clarke (09:28pm): omg do you think Indra is gonna kick Anya's ass_

_Lexa (09:28pm): I hope not cause I don't think I'd wanna back Anya in a fight against Indra, but I'd have to cause Anya's like my sister_

_Lexa (09:30pm): Shit I hope Indra doesn't fight Anya_

_Lexa (09:31pm): Maybe I should start working out more just in case._

_Clarke (09:32pm): maybe...wanna bet on who would win the fight?_

_Lexa (09:32pm): Indra._

_Clarke (09:33pm): Yeah, Indra._

_Lexa (09:33pm): I should probably have more faith in Anya..._

_Lexa (09:33pm): but Indra could totally kick her ass._

_Lexa (09:34pm): Shit, Anya's back, I gotta go._

_Clarke (09:35pm): good luck. Love you._

_Lexa (09:35pm): Love you too._

* * *

“So, when exactly were you going to tell me about you and Lincoln?” I asked as soon as Anya closed the front door. She rested her head against the door and groaned.

“Pretty much never,” She replied. She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and I followed her. I blocked the doorway so she couldn't leave and I think Anya rolled her eyes so hard it probably hurt her.

“So how long have you two been together?”

“Not very long,” She replied.

“Give me a real answer!”

“I don't know, maybe like 2 months?” Anya said. “I started to kinda like him after he went to pick you up from the cliff, but you kept me a bit busy for a while so we didn't really act on anything and then things with you got back to normal and I don't know. I like him and he likes me.”

“So is he your boyfriend?”

“Lexa, please just let me leave this room so I can go stab myself in peace, because I'd honestly rather do that than have this conversation.”

I smiled at Anya's discomfort, but I couldn't really understand it. So I walked over to her and I brushed her hair out of her face.

“Hey,” I whispered. “I'm not trying to make fun of you, or make you feel any less badass. It's just, you know, shouldn't new relationships be happy and exciting?”

Anya shrugged at me and avoided eye contact for a while before she looked right at me when she answered.

“It just feels wrong,” She said. “Like I shouldn't be happy when dad's dead.”

I nodded at Anya's words because I knew that feeling, and I knew it well. I pulled her into my arms and I hugged her.

“I know it's tough,” I said. “But Gustus would want you to be happy. He _loves_ Lincoln, so there's no chance that you're dating someone he wouldn't approve of. And I know it's not as simple as me just telling you 'be happy!' but you should be happy. Lincoln knew Gustus, and they got along so well, and I'm glad that you've found someone, Anya.”

Anya nodded into my shoulder and squeezed me tightly.

“Thanks, Lex.”

* * *

Christmas came and went and the Griffins didn't come down this Christmas, but Lincoln and Indra spent Christmas at our house. Surprisingly, Indra didn't want to kick Anya's ass when she found out about her relationship with Lincoln, and she was actually pretty supportive of the whole thing.

Clarke and I facetimed that afternoon and watched a movie together. I missed her a lot, and just like always, some days were harder than others. I feel like Clarke and I have almost gotten used to the distance, and it makes it easier to know that pretty soon, we could be going to the same college. After the movie was done, Clarke and I started discussing the SATs and our prep work, and which colleges we were thinking of applying to.

“Ok, so we've got Northwestern, Columbia, George Washington University, Stanford, Berkeley, and University of Washington so far,” Clarke said as she read the list of universities we created together. “Three from the East Coast, three from the West Coast.”

“I hope we get into all of them, but at the same time, I hope we don't,” I said. Clarke smiled at me.

“Cause if we get into all of them we'll actually have to choose between your side of the country and my side of the country?” Clarke asked. I shrugged.

“It'd be a lot easier if one coast rejected us both, don't you think?” I asked as Clarke laughed.

“Let's just hope we get into all the same schools,” Clarke said. “Cause if we don't and we have to keep doing this long distance thing, I think I'm gonna lose it.”

I smiled at Clarke's words and she smiled back, but I didn't doubt just how serious she was being. I had my own doubts about how much longer I could manage to do the whole long distance relationship thing. After a while, it just gets tiresome. I wanted to be with Clarke every day, and that was it.

“We'll figure it out,” I said. “We always do.”

* * *

Clarke came to Laughlin as soon as school let out, and this time I was able to pick her up from the airport all on my own because I had my very own driver's license. Clarke and I celebrated that fact by driving out to a pretty secluded look out point, and we made out in the car before we actually got back to the marina. We didn't take too long out there though, because we didn't want Anya to get too suspicious about why we took an extra half an hour to get home.

“So, any big plans for this summer?” Clarke asked, smiling as she held my hand while I drove.

“Well, my girlfriend's coming into town,” I replied. “I'm thinking about driving out to Vegas with her for the 4th of July.”

“That sounds nice,” Clarke replied as she beamed at me. “I think she'd like that.”

When we finally pulled into the resort, Clarke and I unloaded her bags and put them in my room. As Clarke emptied her suitcase into some drawers I always left empty for her, I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her shoulder gently.

“It feels so amazing to have you back home,” I said as I squeezed her waist. Clarke snuggled into me and covered my hands with hers.

“It feels amazing to _be_ home,” She replied. “So, what's for dinner?”

I smiled at her and buried my face into her neck, just breathing her in. She was really here. It wasn't just a daydream, or a fantasy anymore.

“Fajitas,” I replied before pressing a few kisses into her neck. Clarke sighed and held me just a tiny bit closer to her.

“I love fajitas,” She said. “Almost as much as I love you.”

“So sweet of you,” I teased, and Clarke laughed.

* * *

After Anya and Lincoln and Clarke and I all ate fajitas for dinner, we sat down to watch TV. Anya and Lincoln fell asleep together on the loveseat, and Clarke kept looking over at them and commenting on how adorable they looked.

“You better not say that too loudly,” I whispered. “Anya cannot be referred to as 'adorable' because she likes to think she's such a badass.”

Clarke laughed and snuggled into my side.

“She's a total softie though,” She whispered. “Look at how she's snuggled into Lincoln. She looks teeny tiny next to him. When the hell did he get so tall and bulky?”

I shrugged.

“They're always like this, it's truly disgusting,” I said, which made Clarke roll her eyes.

“Please, we're way worse than them.”

I smiled at Clarke's words, because I knew she was right.

* * *

Jake drove down a week after Clarke got here, and we immediately began to plan our 4th of July weekend in Vegas. Abby was going to fly down to Vegas for it, Anya and Lincoln were coming, and even Octavia and Raven were trying to make it. It wasn't going to be some crazy, out of control party since the only person who was over 21, other than Jake and Abby, was Anya. But it was going to be different than taking out the boat and watching the fireworks from the river. It was going to be different than having a cookout in my backyard. This year felt like more of a celebration. Clarke and I graduated from high school, and we were still deciding between colleges, but we narrowed it down to one East Coast choice, and one West Coast choice.

“Should we stay at the MGM?” Jake asked me. I shrugged at him. We were sitting in the Griffins' cabin, and Jake was typing away at his laptop trying to book enough hotel rooms for all of us during the 4th of July. We were going to stay in Vegas for three nights, arriving on the 3rd and leaving on the 6th. “The MGM has a lot of pools, so it'd probably be our best bet.”

Clarke interrupted our conversation.

“If there isn't a lazy river, I will not have fun and that is 100% guaranteed.”

“Calm down, Clarke, there's a lazy river,” Jake replied as I laughed. I leaned over and kissed Clarke on the cheek.

“You're such a child sometimes,” I said, and Clarke pouted.

Jake clicked around on the laptop a few more times and sighed.

“What's up? Is the lazy river out of service or something?” I teased, and Jake smiled at me.

“Nope, it's all good. How many rooms do we need again?”

“Okay, well Anya and Lincoln need one because ew, Lexa and I _will not_ share with them. You and mom need your own room, because also ew. But Raven and Octavia and Lexa and I can share.”

“Are you four gonna have some kind of gay orgy?” Jake asked with a smirk as he kept staring at his laptop.

“Ew no!”

“I'll consider it,” I said at the same time as Clarke protested. She shot me a look that was a cross between concerned and intrigued, and I laughed so hard I cried.

* * *

Raven, Clarke and Octavia were playing the license plate game while we drove to Vegas. So far we had seen two whole license plates that were different from Nevada, and they were from California and Arizona.

“This game sucks,” Raven said. Octavia agreed.

“This drive is literally less than two hours long,” I sighed. “I told you it wasn't worth it to play a game.”

“I have a better idea,” Clarke said. She started to mess around with the bluetooth system in my car and before I knew it, Kendrick Lamar was blasting through my speakers.

To my horror, Clarke and Raven and Octavia rapped along perfectly in sync, not missing a single word. They had clearly done this before, because they would switch verses and were way too practiced for this to be spontaneous.

“Brace yourself, I'll take you on a trip down memory lane,” Clarke rapped. I stared at her in complete shock. “This is not a rap on how I'm slinging crack or move cocaine, this is cul-de-sac and plenty cognac and major pain, not the drill sergeant but the stress that weighing on your brain...”

Octavia rapped afterwards, and then Raven, but they all sang the hook and bridge, and it wasn't like they did this once. No, they did this for _every single song_ that Clarke played. They did this for Kanye West and Jay-Z. They did this for Nicki Minaj and Beyonce. It certainly made the drive more interesting, but I wasn't prepared for it.

After we pulled into the Vegas strip and got off the highway, Clarke turned off the music.

“I guess you guys do that a lot,” I said. Clarke and Octavia and Raven all high fived.

I didn't even want an explanation.

* * *

We checked into the hotel and were all lead up to our rooms. Anya and Lincoln, to my dismay, were next door. Clarke's parents were across the hall. Octavia and Raven had already claimed the queen bed closest to the door, which left Clarke and I the bed that was closest to the window. Our bathroom slowly filled up with Raven and Octavia's things, whereas Clarke and I were able to keep our things pretty well organized. We changed into our swimsuits and cover ups and headed downstairs to the pool (and most importantly for Clarke, the lazy river). When we got down there, I texted Anya and Abby to let them know where we were, and just in case if they wanted to come down and stay by the pool, we had reserved some seats for them, too.

Clarke and I shared a tube while Raven and Octavia also shared a tube and we went down the lazy river for literally hours. Anya and Lincoln joined us a few times, and so did Abby and Jake, but Octavia and Raven and Clarke and I literally didn't get out until we realized that we were starving.

We walked back to our room, and slowly but surely we all managed to get ready. Getting ready for dinner with three other girls was an interesting experience, because while Clarke was showering, Octavia and Raven were curling my hair and doing my makeup, and then when Octavia was showering, Raven and I were curling Clarke's hair and doing her makeup, and so on and so forth until we were all ready and dressed to go out for dinner. It was overwhelming, but we definitely saved time by getting ready as a kind of team.

We decided to go out to eat all together, with Anya and Lincoln and Abby and Jake, and as we walked along the strip, we paired off, couples walking arm in arm towards a burger joint that was supposed to be amazing. Very ugly men would try to hand us cards for prostitutes, which was an experience in itself, and I literally watched a woman slip and fall in someone else's vomit, which also was quite the experience for everyone involved.

“I don't understand how this place is real,” I whispered to Clarke. “It's like literally everyone here is drunk or on drugs.”

“Vegas, baby!” She replied.

Dinner was excellent, and Clarke was clearly having a blast. She ordered a burger with truffle fries on the side, and we split a massive milkshake. As we walked back to the hotel, Anya and Lincoln stopped in a convenience store and bought enough booze to last a lifetime.

“Party in our room,” Anya said with a smile, and I smiled back but I felt a bit guarded. I knew I could drink and not make a complete idiot of myself, and I knew I was in a way better place than I was last year, but I really hadn't drank since that night on the cliff with Costia. But Clarke squeezed my hand, because I think she knew what I was feeling, and I felt like it would all be okay.

“We won't get too crazy, and if things get out of hand we can just go back to our room and watch a movie,” Clarke whispered, and I nodded.

When we got back to the hotel, we all went back to Anya and Lincoln's room, except for Jake and Abby who went down to the hotel bar. Octavia and Raven had quite a few drinks and ended up kissing quite a bit, to literally no one's surprise. But Clarke and I were fairly reserved, both of us only having two drinks each. Eventually we headed back to our room, Octavia and Raven following shortly.

Clarke and I got ready for bed and brushed our teeth side by side, and I smiled at her in the mirror because I was suddenly reminded of how much I loved her. So I wrapped my arms around her waist and I kissed her minty lips.

“They're making out,” Raven called out to Octavia as she walked into the bathroom. “They're totally making out.”

“I fucking _knew it_!” Octavia replied.

Clarke and I rolled our eyes at them and left the bathroom to climb into bed and snuggle.

* * *

The next morning, Clarke and I were placed on Starbucks duty, because everyone else was horribly hung over. We made our deliveries to Jake and Abby, and Anya and Lincoln, before going back into our room, and I don't think we were even a little surprised to see Raven and Octavia still asleep.

I tore open the curtains in the room, which prompted Raven to literally hiss at me, while Octavia just made noises that sounded similar to a dying whale. Clarke handed them their coffees, and they eventually shut up.

“I hate being the responsible ones,” Clarke said with a pout, which I immediately kissed.

“I kinda like it,” I replied. “Imagine what these two will be like at college.”

“An absolute fucking disaster,” Clarke said with a smile. “Maybe we can all go to the same school, though.”

“Well, where are they going?”

“Berkeley.”

I smiled at Clarke and kissed her again.

“Maybe we should consider the benefits of leaving these two to fend for themselves,” I replied.

“Hey, Lexa, can you please pass the tylenol?” Raven begged. Octavia muttered her agreement. I sighed and tossed them the entire bottle.

“I personally think they may benefit quite a lot from being on their own during college,” I said while Clarke tried to stifle her laugh. “For example, they may learn the benefits of not drinking the equivalent of what a small village would drink.”

“Never,” Octavia whisper-yelled in response.

We spent the day on the lazy river again with Octavia and Raven, though I'm pretty sure they were unconscious most of the time.

* * *

We all watched the fireworks on the fourth of July, and Raven and Octavia got really drunk again that night, and Clarke and I decided not to party at all and we watched a movie and made a pros and cons list about each college we were considering.

“Okay, Berkeley,” Clarke said. “Pros: Octavia and Raven, super prestigious school, excellent pre-med department for me if I choose to go down that path, located in sunny California. Cons: expensive as fuck, far away from my parents.”

“I think we should consider putting Octavia and Raven on the cons list,” I joked. Clarke laughed, but pushed me off the bed.

“And George Washington University,” Clarke said. “Pros: literally right down the street from my parents, excellent pre-med program. Cons: no Octavia and Raven, literally right down the street from my parents, cold as fuck.”

“Can we just keep putting this off until one of us gets so overwhelmed by the amount of procrastinating that one of us just decides and the other one is completely okay with that?” I begged. Clarke frowned at me.

“No.”

“Can we do one of those rhymes? Like eeny, meeny, miny, moe?”

“No, Lexa.”

I sighed and lay back against the bed. Clarke snuggled into my side and kissed my cheek.

“We really need to decide,” She whispered. “I think I know which I'd prefer, but I don't want to say it and then make you feel pressured to agree with me.”

“Okay, well I think I know which I'd prefer, too, so why don't we just say our choice at the same time and hopefully it'll be the same?”

“Okay,” Clarke agreed. “On three?”

“One...two...three -”

“Berkeley,” we said at the same time.

* * *

Clarke left earlier than usual that summer, but it was okay, because she was headed home to pack her things and she was headed back down here in two weeks with Octavia and Raven, and we were going to drive to Berkeley.

“Hey,” Clarke said as she hugged me before she was about to climb into the car and leave the resort. “That day we've been talking about for so long is coming soon.”

I smiled at her and kissed her for a long time. Our lips moved against each other, and our tongues mingled, and I tried to pour every ounce of excitement and love I felt into that kiss.

“One day, I won't leave you,” Clarke repeated. “One day, we'll be together. I'll wake up and see your face first thing in the morning, and I'll go to sleep and I'll see your face last thing at night.”

“One day,” I said, before kissing her again.

Clarke got into the car after that, and Jake drove her back to Washington, D.C., but I smiled, because for the first time, I knew the next year was going to be hard, but it wasn't going to be hard because I wouldn't have Clarke by my side.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos! And thanks for being so awesome and supportive and understanding about the whole deleting the entire story and having to repost thing. You guys are so great!
> 
> Also, I just wanted to clarify a few things about the structure of this. So, technically, the "twelve summers" aspect of the title/story will be over after chapter 13 (because chapter 8 and 9 became two parts rather than one part). Chapter 14 will be what happens during the two weeks. And possibly, maybe, there could be a chapter 15 which would just be like an epilogue kind of thing. 
> 
> That being said, I'm open to a few things, and I want to hear from you - if I posted outtakes, bits from the chapters that just didn't make it into this, would you be open to reading those? They would be posted under a different story, but it would be part of a series on here. I've been thinking about it, and it's something I'd be interested in doing, but I'd like to know if you'd rather the story just ends, with no further expansion on Clarke and Lexa's summers together, or if you'd like to read some outtakes also. Let me know! :)


	12. When We Were 18

During those two weeks where I packed my things up in preparation to head to Berkeley, things were kind of tough. I started to see the resort as not just some place in a crappy small town next to the Colorado River. This place was my home. It was where I first met Clarke. It was where I learned to ride a bike, and swim, and drive the boat, and drive a car. It was where Anya got caught making out with her first boyfriend, where Gustus taught me how to fish, where I taught Clarke how to bake cookies. This tiny, shitty little town was the only place I've ever lived. The people in this town were the only friends I grew up with, aside from Clarke and Raven and Octavia.

I was excited. I was so excited to start my adult life, to start my life with Clarke, to go to college and feel independent. But I was scared. Things were going to change very soon, and time kept passing me by, and I couldn't decide whether I wanted to wish my days away so that the day Clarke and Octavia and Raven and I would start to drive to Berkeley would come faster, or if I wanted to wish for my clocks to move slower so that day wouldn't come quite so soon.

Clarke and Raven and Octavia and I had already rented a pretty nice two bedroom apartment that was close to campus. I didn't want to live in a dorm, and neither did Clarke, and Raven and Octavia had no desire to live in a dorm either. The idea of living with Octavia and Raven was daunting in lots of ways, and I wondered if our friendship was strong enough to survive living in such close quarters. Even living with Clarke was kind of daunting – we'd basically been living together for two months out of the year, sure, but that time we spent together always had an end date. Now, there was no end date in sight. What if Clarke was really messy? What if she didn't understand the importance of separating her whites from colours when she did her laundry? More importantly, what if we drove each other fucking crazy and it ruined our relationship and everything crashed and burned.

I was so ridiculously stressed out between packing and these thoughts that plagued me. I lost my appetite, and because of that I lost like 10 pounds during those two weeks. Eventually, though, the day where it was time for Clarke and Raven and Octavia to arrive in Laughlin. They were coming in Raven's jeep, which was towing a trailer that was filled with their things.

When they pulled into the resort that morning, my stomach felt queasy. This was it.

Clarke walked over to me and hugged me tightly, because she knew just how difficult it was going to be for me to leave this place. She smiled at me encouragingly and kissed me while Octavia and Raven loaded my bags into the trailer. Clarke and I were going to take turns driving my car to Berkeley, while Octavia and Raven were going to take turns driving Raven's jeep.

“Nervous?” Clarke asked me as she bit her lip. She held my hand and rubbed her thumb along the back of it, trying her best to calm my pretty obvious nerves.

“Definitely. You?” I asked, noting that Clarke looked pretty nervous herself.

“Yeah,” Clarke replied. “But, like, excited and nervous all at the same time.”

I smiled at her and I kissed her again, because that was exactly how I felt.

Anya came out of the house with Lincoln behind her, and things were awkward for maybe half a second between Lincoln and Octavia before they just smiled at each other and hugged it out.

“Congrats,” Octavia said. “She's hot.”

Octavia winked at Anya and Lincoln laughed.

“Yeah, she's pretty great,” He replied. “But same to you.”

Raven smirked at him but shook her head at the same time. Anya rolled her eyes at the entire thing.

“We all know I'm hot,” Anya said. She turned to me and Clarke and wrapped us up in a tight hug. “Be good, you fucking idiots. Don't start dumb fights over things that don't matter. Remember, beer before liquor, never been sicker. Don't get pregnant. Don't do drugs. Stay in school.”

“Anya, I don't think it's possible for us to get pregnant,” I said, but Anya put her hand over my mouth and shushed me.

“Whatever,” She replied. “You know what I mean. Be good.”

She let go of Clarke, who went to get into the passenger side of my car, and Anya hugged me again.

“I'm really gonna miss you,” She whispered.

“I'm really gonna miss you, too,” I replied.

“Don't fuck things up,” She said. I nodded. “Now leave before I change my mind and never let you go.”

I turned away and wiped the tears that had escaped. I got into the car, and turned the ignition, and with Anya and Lincoln and Indra waving us off, we hit the road.

* * *

“What the hell are we gonna do for the next four hours and thirty one minutes?” Clarke asked as she glanced at the GPS.

“Well, Octavia and Raven aren't here, so you can't rap,” I replied. Clarke raised her eyebrow at me and I immediately regretted my words.

“Oh really?” Clarke said as she began to mess around with my bluetooth system.

“Fuck.”

Clarke rapped and sang until we hit Bakersfield, exactly four hours and forty five minutes later. Fucking traffic.

“Well, Lexa looks like she's ready to commit mass homicide, so I'm assuming Clarke sang the whole way,” Octavia commented as soon as we got out of the car. We were in a motel parking lot, and it looked pretty safe, but also pretty grungy.

“Yup!” Clarke replied with a massive smile. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheeks and my forehead and I smiled despite myself.

“You two are disgusting,” Raven commented. Octavia nodded, and Clarke and I rolled our eyes.

We walked into the motel lobby and checked in, and luckily we were staying in separate rooms. After Vegas, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to share the confined space of a single hotel room with Raven and Octavia ever again. And even more luckily, we were staying across the hall from each other, rather than next door, so with any luck, we wouldn't be able to hear them having sex.

We all agreed to head out to grab some dinner after a two hour nap, but I don't think any of us were truly planning on napping. Clarke and I were cuddling and watching crappy TV, but as the fates would have it, we were unlucky and were still able to hear Raven and Octavia having sex.

“So, when Raven chants 'oh, oh, oh, oh,' do you think she's coming and saying 'oh' is just her thing, or do you think she's coming and calling Octavia 'O?'” I asked, as Clarke buried her face into my shoulder and laughed.

“Lexa Woods asking the important questions,” Clarke muttered as she smiled at me and rolled her eyes. “Maybe you can casually ask Raven over dinner. She _loves_ to overshare, as I'm sure you're going to learn while we live with them.”

“I think I'll ask Octavia,” I said. “Maybe she knows.”

Clarke hovered over me and lowered her lips onto mine. She threaded her fingers through my hair and pulled slightly, and put more of her weight onto me as we kissed. Her tongue pressed against my bottom lip, and I moaned. Our tongues met, and we both sighed as Clarke pulled away.

“How are...things?” Clarke asked, her eyes already full of desire.

We hadn't slept together yet. We did things, got as far as making out and being topless, but every time we were about to take things further, I would just...lose it. Not lose it as in freak out and get angry, but lose it as in I would lose my desire to take things further. The summer when Gustus died, I'd originally planned to take things farther with Clarke, but obviously, other things happened and neither of us were even thinking about sex at all for the remainder of our time together. The year after that, Clarke and I were so focused on me and getting our relationship back to a healthy and happy place, that we never took things farther that summer either. Plus, my antidepressants totally killed my sex drive, and it honestly took a while even after I was off my antidepressants for me to feel sexy or desirable again. The summer following, or this past summer, Clarke was definitely ready, but I was still trying to rediscover my love for my own body, trying to remember how I used to make myself feel good, and I wanted to have the freedom to rediscover my own sexuality and desirability alone for a little bit. Clarke was amazing and supportive and understanding, as always, and didn't even once assume that I was no longer physically attracted to her. Because I was, I _so_ was. From her gorgeous and intense blue eyes, to her pouty lips, to her full breasts and hips, and everything in between, I wanted her. But being sexual wasn't just about wanting someone else, it was also about feeling comfortable in your own skin and comfortable with your own sexuality, and it took a long time for me to get back to a place of comfort in my own skin.

“So much better,” I answered with a smile. I loved how careful and supportive and understanding Clarke was when it came to our sexual relationship. She'd waited for this for so long, and while I was dying to give it to her, part of me was completely disgusted by the idea of fucking Clarke for the first time on dirty motel sheets. “But I think you deserve better than dirty motel sheets.”

Clarke laughed and kissed me again, and her hands wandered.

“You deserve better than dirty motel sheets, too,” She whispered. Her hand palmed at my left breast and flicked over my nipple. “When we get home, to our apartment, I'm gonna make you scream.”

I moaned as she kissed and sucked at the sensitive skin of my neck.

“I can't wait,” I replied. And I meant it.

* * *

The next day, we drove from Bakersfield to Berkeley, and when we finally got to our apartment, it took hours and hours to unload our trailer. The apartment was gorgeous, with hardwood floors and white walls and air conditioning. The kitchen had granite countertops, and white cupboards and white tile floors. Each couple had their own bathrooms, much to my relief, since Octavia and Raven could be quite messy, and Clarke and I were usually quite neat. There were two bedrooms, which were at opposite ends of the apartment, and I hoped and wished and prayed to every deity I could think of that it would be far enough for me not to have to hear Raven and Octavia having sex. The living room was large and spacious enough to have a sectional couch, which Octavia and Raven were ridiculously excited over, and had already left to go to Ikea to see if they could find anything.

We brought most of the necessary furniture with us, but knew we would have to buy a few things, like a couch, a coffee table, a dining table and chairs. Clarke brought a lot of her own furniture from D.C., which meant that our room was completely furnished, and Raven and Octavia brought their own bedroom furniture, too.

By the time Octavia and Raven came home, Clarke and I were totally unpacked, our bedroom completely set up and put together, and I managed to find a few options for dinner that night. Since we didn't go grocery shopping yet, it was going to have to be takeout.

“Thai, Chinese, Indian, or pizza?” I asked as Raven and Octavia sat beside Clarke and I. We were sitting on the floor, where the sectional sofa was soon going to be.

“Thai, please,” Octavia said, and Raven nodded. “All the sectionals at Ikea were not to our liking.”

“You didn't like a single sectional?” Clarke asked. “How is that even possible?”

“None of them were deemed comfortable enough,” Raven replied. “We're gonna look around a little more tomorrow. Hopefully we will have one by Sunday.”

I gathered everyone's orders for dinner, and phoned the Thai restaurant to place our order for delivery. Meanwhile, Raven and Octavia and Clarke looked online for sectionals.

“Lex, what do you think about this one?” Clarke asked. I peeked over her shoulder and shrugged.

“I really don't have an opinion on sectionals,” I replied. “As long as it's comfortable and I have somewhere to sit down and watch movies, I'm good.”

Clarke smiled at me and kissed me while Octavia and Raven made disgusted noises at us.

“You're really gonna have to get used to that,” Clarke said. “We literally do that all the time and we live together now, so no more disgusted noises when Lexa and I kiss.”

“Stop being ridiculously cute, then,” Octavia replied. Raven nodded, and Clarke shrugged.

“No can do,” Clarke said with a smile before kissing my cheek again. “My girlfriend's adorable, and I can't help it.”

Raven and Octavia made more disgusted noises at us before going to their room.

* * *

Later that night, Clarke and I were getting ready for bed side by side at the bathroom sink. I looked into the mirror, and watched us as we brushed our teeth at the same time, and I couldn't help but think that this was exactly what I wanted for the rest of my life, and I finally had it. I wanted Clarke by my side. I wanted all the boring, mundane shit about everyday life that ends up getting redundant. I wanted climbing into bed at night and laying down next to her and knowing that I was laying down next to my soulmate. My person. And I had it. Right now. It was here. I didn't have to wait any longer.

When we finished brushing our teeth, I wrapped my arms around Clarke's waist and pulled her into me. Since Octavia and Raven were far away on their side of the apartment, I wasn't worried about them seeing us and acting all grossed out. I kissed Clarke, tasting the mint from her toothpaste on her lips, and we kissed for such a long time that we both ended up smiling and ruining it.

“You're here,” I said. Clarke smiled at me and kissed me again.

“You're here, too,” She replied as she pushed my hair away from my face and ran her fingers through my curls. “We spent years wishing for this day, and it's here.”

I smiled at her and kissed her again. She grabbed my hand, which was resting on her waist, and led us into our bedroom. I closed the door behind us and watched as Clarke climbed on top of our bed. She was in shorts and a tank top, and I was in the same.

Clarke laid back against the pillows and I walked over to her side of the bed rather than my own side. I climbed on top of her and straddled her hips.

“So, are you gonna take me up on my offer? You gonna let me make you scream my name?” Clarke said with a laugh. She threaded her fingers through my hair again and pulled me closer so she could kiss me. I nodded into our kiss, and Clarke smiled and nearly ruined the kiss.

Every kiss with Clarke was filled with sparks and butterflies in my stomach. Every single one. Whether it was just a quick kiss, whether it was full of heat and passion and tongues moving together, whether it was a sleepy good night kiss. It was electric. I wrapped my arms around her neck, bringing us impossibly closer together, chest against chest.

Clarke's hands left my hair and started moving against my back, occasionally moving lower and squeezing my ass and making me moan. My hips started to move against hers, and Clarke's fingers dug into each side of my hips, her short nails pressing into my skin as she encouraged my movements against her.

“Do you want to do this?” I whispered as I kissed her neck. Almost every part of my body felt charged with electricity, and while my body so desperately wanted this to be as frantic as my heart felt inside my chest, I kept remembering that this was Clarke. That I loved Clarke. That I wanted this to be as meaningful, and slow, and loving as possible. This was important, and this was special for both of us. Clarke's fingers tangled in my hair again and pressed me further into her neck, and she moaned.

“Please, Lexa,” She whispered, her voice breathy and her breathing ragged. “I want you so bad.”

I wrapped my arms around Clarke's shoulders and moved her so she was sitting up. I kissed her gently, our lips moving against each others with meaning and feeling and so much love. My hands moved between us to trace over the delicate skin of her collarbone, and I could feel goosebumps on her skin after each touch. Clarke shivered and moaned into my mouth as I moved the straps of her tank top off her shoulders. I broke our kiss and bent my head down to kiss the smooth and slightly tanned skin on her chest.

“I'm so in love with you,” Clarke whispered as she threaded her fingers through my hair and encouraged my kisses with her moans and whimpers. “This is all I want. To be with you, forever.”

My hands reached down to the bottom of her tank top and I lifted it up and over Clarke's head. My hands cupped her cheeks and I looked into her eyes and I could see how heavy they were with lust, and love, and desire.

“I'm ridiculously in love with you,” I whispered, kissing her cheeks and her forehead and her nose. “Spending forever with you is my biggest wish.”

Clarke reached to the bottom of my own tank top and pulled it off, and we were skin to skin and we both moaned at the sensation. I pushed Clarke so she was lying down, and I began my trail of kisses across her chest once more. I kissed and sucked and bit at the tender skin on the undersides of her breasts before gently biting down on one of her nipples, soothing it gently with my tongue after each bite. Clarke was writhing against me, her hips moving, and her head was tilted back against the pillow. Her fingers were threaded through my hair, encouraging me as I moved onto her other breast and repeated my motions. I flicked at her nipples with my thumb, and she moaned. I watched her as she tilted her head back into the pillow, exposing the gorgeous skin on her neck. Her back arched into me, offering herself, her skin, her breasts to me, and I couldn't resist how gorgeous she looked in that moment. I knew her skin was slightly tan after our summer together, but in the moonlight, she looked glowing, and I wanted to leave marks all over her chest, I wanted to claim her. I sucked on the skin on her breasts, leaving purple marks in my wake, before moving up to her neck and leaving another mark between her neck and shoulder. 

Clarke was writhing underneath me, trying to find some kind of friction to relieve the building tension between her legs, and I knew the feeling well because Clarke drove me absolutely insane. I wanted to seek that friction too. I hooked my fingers into the waistband of Clarke's shorts, and pulled them down. I left her black panties on, though. She looked fucking gorgeous, the black of her underwear contrasting against her skin in the moonlight.

Clarke pulled me up to her by my biceps, and she kissed me. Her tongue moved in my mouth like her fingers moved in me months ago, and I was so turned on I was worried that if I didn't pull away from Clarke, she'd quickly make this about me, when I wanted her to be the first to finish tonight. I let her pull my shorts and underwear off, though, because I knew I'd rather have Clarke do that than do it myself later on.

I pulled away from her kiss and kissed down her chest, down her stomach, until I finally reached the top of her underwear. I kissed each of her hips, moving the fabric that separated her skin from my lips out of the way so I could kiss further down. Her skin wasn't bare, but whatever hair she did have was trimmed way down and I loved Clarke like this. She was so comfortable within her own body, so comfortable with my body, and we were so comfortable together. I thought Clarke was the most gorgeous woman alive, with her hips and her sizeable breasts and her small waist and her gorgeous blue eyes and her sun-bleached blonde hair. And I felt comfortable in my own skin, comfortable and confident enough to know that I was ready for this.

I moved downwards, still leaving Clarke's underwear on, Clarke moved her legs so they were bent at the knee and she put them over my shoulders. The smooth skin of her legs against the skin of my tanned shoulders distracted me for a moment, and I kissed and sucked all the way up the inside of each of her thighs, leaving small purple marks behind. Clarke's hips were still moving against me, seeking out my touch, and I smiled at her eagerness.

“Please, Lex,” Clarke whimpered. “Please, baby.”

I brought two fingers from my right hand up to Clarke's centre, still covered by her panties, and when I touched her I felt how completely and utterly soaked she was. We moaned at the same time. I started to kiss her skin over her panties, tasting Clarke for the first time. She was sweet, but almost tangy, and in a way the taste reminded me of pineapple juice. Clarke's legs wrapped around my shoulders tighter, and her breaths were coming even shorter and quicker than before. I looked up at her, and our eyes met, and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I loved her. I would do almost anything for this woman. I would leave everything behind for the chance to spend the rest of my life by her side.

“More, Lex, please,” Clarke whimpered, closing her eyes and arching her back as I sucked and kissed and moved my tongue against her.

I pushed one side of her underwear out of my way, and I slipped my fingers through her velvety wetness, pushing her folds apart. I reached up towards her clit and touched it, moving my finger against it gently, and it clearly drove her crazy because she was moaning and breathing so quickly. I licked at her then, moving from her opening up towards her clit, and her thighs tightened around my head. Her fingers tightened in my hair, pushing me into her closer. I flicked my tongue against her from side to side, up and down, and made tiny circles, tiny pulses, sucked at her, and eventually Clarke's thighs clamped so tightly around my head and I watched her stomach muscles contract and she whispered my name.

“Fuck, Lexa, I'm coming, fuck,” She whispered, her fingers still tightly wrapped in my hair, her thighs holding me in place. I moved my tongue against her more slowly, more gently, bigger motions rather than smaller motions, bringing her down from her orgasm. When her legs collapsed off my shoulders and her stomach muscles stopped contracting and her fingers went slack in my hair, I leaned back and pulled off her underwear entirely.

I slipped one finger into her, and she started again. Moaning, whimpering, breathing quickly. I dipped my mouth back down and went down on her again, this time focusing on her clit with small circles while my finger pumped into her.

“More, more fingers,” Clarke whimpered. So I slipped another one inside. Clarke encouraged me and said she wanted more, but I felt unsure, so I slowly put a third one in. It looked like it was almost too much for her at first, but eventually she worked herself up to it and with my tongue moving against her clit and my fingers pumping into her, she came again. Her insides clamped down against my fingers, and I think feeling Clarke come, knowing it was my fingers and my mouth that made her come, was one of the best feelings in the world. 

“No more, Lex, please,” Clarke whimpered after she finished coming. She seemed pretty sensitive and she shuddered when I pulled my fingers out of her. I leaned up over her and she watched as I sucked her wetness off my fingers, just like she did to me all those months ago. She moaned and brought our lips together and she kissed me so hard and so good. I loved the way Clarke tasted, the way Clarke kissed, but kissing Clarke with her come all over my tongue was fucking phenomenal.

“Now who's the messy eater?” Clarke teased as she kissed my chin, where I'm sure traces of her wetness still lingered on my skin. “I bet I'm still messier than you, though.”

And with that she used the power in her legs and hips to flip us over. Thankfully, she made it quick and didn't tease me. Her mouth closed around my nipple and she flicked her tongue over it and pulled slightly at my skin with her teeth, but she must've known that I couldn't handle a lot of foreplay. I was so turned on from fucking her that I probably could've come just from her sucking on my nipples.

Clarke kissed down my stomach and went down on me right away. Her tongue and her lips moved against my clit, and I was barely able to even handle the feeling of Clarke's tongue moving against my clit. She dipped her tongue into my entrance, teasing the opening and around it with her tongue and I really had to try to hold it together. She moved her lips up towards my clit again and she sucked, forcefully, and pushed two fingers inside me and started pumping them into me so quickly. My legs were quivering and I felt like I was about to pass out when she really started to push her face into me, and applied more pressure with her tongue. My legs clasped around her head and squeezed and I came so hard. Clarke made good on her promise, and I did scream her name when I came.

When Clarke pulled away from me, I saw my wetness against her mouth and chin and it made me moan again. I reached down and pulled her up to me and kissed her, and on her tongue I could taste both of us together and I groaned, because Clarke was right. She was a messy eater and I fucking loved it.

She fell asleep on top of me that night, and the weight of Clarke and the feeling of her breasts against mine, and her leg resting between mine right against my wetness, it all soothed me so much that I fell asleep shortly after her.

* * *

Classes started, and we all were able to manage things pretty well. Clarke was taking a mix of art classes and pre-med classes, and I was surprised when she first told me about her interest in art. But then she showed me sketchbooks which were filled with sketches of Laughlin, of the river, of Anya and Gustus, Lincoln, the coves we would take the boat to, and me. I was so overwhelmed by the beauty and Clarke's talent that I cried. It made me nostalgic for our summers together when we were kids, made me miss home, but not in the way that you should miss home. I missed the place, rather than a concept of home, because these days I felt at home wherever Clarke was.

Anya and I would chat every day, and that made it easier. She and Lincoln were still together, the resort was doing really well, and things were going well for both of us. I was doing really well in school, trying to figure out whether I was more interested in majoring in politics or law, with a minor in peace and conflict studies. And as far as it went with Octavia and Raven, we got along really well. Everyone was respectful, fun, and did their fair share around the apartment.

Clarke and I would occasionally argue about insignificant things, like leaving wet towels on the floor (Clarke would do that), or never making the bed properly (I would do that), or leaving the toothpaste open (both of us would do that). But the things we argued about were small and really no big deal, and we always got over it fairly quickly.

The semester flew by in a rush of exams and papers and stress, and Christmas break was approaching and Clarke and I actually spent our first Christmas together completely alone. Raven and Octavia went home to D.C. to spend time with their families. Anya and Lincoln decided to go on vacation together to Mexico for Christmas, and Abby and Jake decided to join them. I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea of them going on a couples' vacation all together, but Clarke and I were glad to spend more time with each other. We actually made a turkey with all the proper side dishes that year, and exchanged small gifts, and spent the day watching Christmas movies, and it was probably the most festive Christmas I'd ever had.

Second semester passed much like first semester, in a whirlwind of stress and exams and papers, and before I could even comprehend what was happening, Clarke and I were packing our car up and headed back to Laughlin for the summer. Octavia and Raven were staying in the apartment for a month while Clarke and I went to Laughlin to spend time with Anya and Lincoln, and Abby and Jake were coming down as well, and then we were going to drive back to Berkeley after our month was up, and Raven and Octavia would go back to D.C. to spend time with their family for a month. We'd signed a two year lease on the apartment, so luckily we didn't have to pack our furniture or anything. To my dismay, Clarke rapped and sang pretty much the entire eight and a half hour drive back to Laughlin.

When I got out of the car, Anya tackled me into a hug and completely winded me, much like I did to her when she first came back from UCLA. Despite my minor injuries, I laughed and smiled and we spent the entire afternoon catching up, even though we talked to each other every day while I was at Berkeley.

Clarke unpacked our things and the drawers in my dresser became full of our clothes, and things were just like back in Berkeley. Abby and Jake came down, and we spent a lot of time out on the river, driving out to coves and having picnics on the boat. Clarke was so happy to spend time with her parents again, and Abby and Jake clearly felt the same way.

I knew Clarke was feeling conflicted over declaring her major, and Abby was pressuring her to declare pre-med and Jake was pressuring her to follow her heart, and the deadline was quickly approaching. So one night, we took the boat out by ourselves and I anchored us in the river and Clarke sketched the sunset. She smiled, her skin pink and orange and eyes glowing in the light of the sunset. I was struck by how much I loved her like this, relaxed, tanned, blonde sun-bleached hair, my beautiful summer girl.

“You're so gorgeous,” I said as I leaned over and kissed her freckled shoulder.

“You're not so bad yourself,” Clarke replied before placing kisses on top of my head. “I think I've decided.”

“Mmhm?”

“Art,” Clarke whispered. “I'm scared about it though. If I did pre-med, life would be easier.”

“How?”

Clarke grabbed my hand and absentmindedly played with my fingers while I kissed her shoulder.

“If I did pre-med, we could move back here and I could be a doctor at the hospital. I can be a doctor anywhere. We could live anywhere, and I'd be able to find a job. But later on, you know, if we get married and have kids, I won't be able to spend a lot of time with you guys,” Clarke said. “But if I do art, then what kind of job could I find in Laughlin? What if I'm just wasting my time getting a useless degree?”

“Clarke,” I whispered. “If your heart tells you to do art, then do art. Don't worry about finding a job, or getting a useless degree. Do what you love.”

Clarke nodded and kissed my lips gently.

“I love you,” She said.

“I love you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the comments and kudos! I'm so amazed and overwhelmed by all your support. And thanks to all those who made suggestions about outtakes they'd like to see! 
> 
> I'm gonna try to get two updates out tomorrow, because I definitely won't be able to update on the 16th since I'm actually moving (and it's a big move...like, to a different country) that day, which is why the 16th has always been my deadline to have this story finished. Hopefully, I'll be able to post those two updates tomorrow, which will bring this story to a close. I will be posting outtakes eventually, though I'm just not 100% sure when exactly that will be happening, but it will happen! :)


	13. When We Were 19

The year after the summer where Clarke and I never had to say goodbye was a simple year. We continued to study at Berkeley, continued to live with Raven and Octavia (who were still in a happy and fulfilling relationship), and we kept in touch with our families. Anya and Lincoln came to visit at Thanksgiving, and Abby and Jake spent Christmas with us.

On New Years' Eve, my phone started ringing shortly after midnight (so I suppose this truly happened on New Years' Day). Anya's name showed up on the caller ID, and I grabbed at Clarke's hand and led her into our bedroom for a moment of peace and quiet, since Raven and Octavia decided to throw a massive party to ring in the new year.

“Anya? Happy New Year!” I said as I answered the phone and immediately put her on speaker. Clarke sat down on our bed and I sat down next to her. But Anya sounded all out of breath, like she had been crying, and I felt panic settle in the pit of my stomach. “What's wrong?”

“No, no, nothing's wrong!” Anya said, definitely sounding like she's been crying now that I was able to hear her voice. “Lincoln proposed!”

“Oh my god!” Clarke exclaimed, and she was practically bouncing on our bed with excitement.

“Well, did you say yes?” I asked as Clarke continued to bounce and smile.

“Of course I fucking said yes, Lexa,” Anya replied. “We're thinking of a summer wedding.”

Clarke practically started shrieking at that point. Anya and I continued to chat, and Clarke and I both offered her our congratulations, and wished both her and Lincoln a happy new year. When I hung up, Clarke tackled me and shrieked again.

“They're getting married!”

I laughed and wrapped my arms around her.

“I know,” I replied. “I never thought Anya was the type to get married, but look at her now.”

“Aww, babe,” Clarke said as she pulled away from me a little and smiled. “Are you jealous? Do you secretly wish we were getting married?”

I blushed and pushed Clarke off me as she laughed and continued to tease me.

“Oh, shut up,” I said, sitting up on the bed and crossing my arms at Clarke, who was still laughing at me. “You know I'd marry you in a heartbeat, but I think we have bigger and better things to do right now.”

“Like what?” Clarke challenged.

“Like this,” I said as I climbed onto Clarke and straddled her hips. She gave me a mischievous smile as I grabbed her by the wrists and lifted them over her head, pinning her to the bed. “This ought to shut you up.”

I leaned down and kissed Clarke fiercely, my lips dominating hers. She moaned into our kiss and bucked her hips up against my own. She was clearly impatient tonight. I trailed my lips down across her jaw, down to her neck, and the expanse of her chest which was revealed by her dress. I pushed the material out of my way to expose her breasts, and I sucked and licked at her nipples while I kept her arms still pinned above her head.

I moved my lips back up to Clarke's and kissed her again, but this time I left her hands free to roam while my own hands moved down her sides, towards the hem of her dress, and I pulled it up. I let my fingers trail up the inside of her thigh, teasing her and making her moan.

“Get on your knees,” I whispered, and Clarke moaned. I lifted myself off her hips so she could actually get on all fours on the bed, and when she finally did, I pushed the hem of her dress up. I put my hand in the centre of her back and pushed her down, so her legs were spread and still holding herself up on her knees, but her chest was flush against the bed. Clarke moaned as I made sure to pull her hair a little on my way back down to her ass.

“Please, Lex,” She whimpered.

I smiled as I hooked my fingers into her panties and pulled them down till they reached her knees and couldn't go any farther. Clarke spread her legs apart more for me as I settled in between them. I had one hand resting on each side of Clarke's hips, and I pulled her closer to my body, which made Clarke moan again. I kept one of my hands resting on her hip, while my other hand moved downwards and I quickly pushed two fingers into her. I pumped them into her quickly, and Clarke bit into a pillow as I increased my pace.

My other hand left her hip and moved around to her front. I moved myself so I was closer to Clarke's back, and leaned down enough so I could reach her clit with my free hand, and I could hear Clarke's desperate whimpers as I continued to fuck her. I knew Clarke loved being fucked from behind like this, loved feeling my fingers push her over the edge like this.

“Lex, I'm gonna,” Clarke breathed, and I could barely hear her over the whimpers and groans and the sounds of my fingers fucking her. “I'm gonna come.”

Even though my arms were burning, I picked up the pace and fucked her even harder than before, slipping in a third finger and filling her completely. Clarke's legs gave out from underneath her as she orgasmed, and because of my position, I ended up collapsing on top of her, my hands trapped beneath and between us.

“Oh my god,” Clarke whimpered as she finally started to move underneath me. “Happy fucking new year indeed.”

I laughed as I rolled off Clarke and licked my fingers, and she looked over at me from where she was still laying on her stomach. She smiled at me and kissed me, moaning at the taste of herself on my lips.

“Your turn,” She said with a smile before climbing on top of me.

She made quick work of taking off her own dress and panties, before she started to work on my pants and shirt.

“These pants make your ass look fantastic, Lexa, but I wish they weren't so fucking tight,” Clarke complained as she struggled to pull my pants off my leg. I laughed at her and tried my best to help and pull my legs out.

“I love when you complain about getting me naked, babe, it just really gets me going,” I said with a smile as Clarke rolled her eyes at me.

Eventually, she did manage to get my pants off, and then she climbed over me and kissed me. She trailed her lips down my neck, across my chest. She reached behind me and unhooked my bra, and sucked at my nipples, leaving hickeys all over the skin she'd exposed. Her fingers trailed down my side and over my hip, dragging her nails down the inside of my thigh before she pushed two fingers into me.

“Does _that_ get you going?” She teased. I moaned in response, and she increased the pace. She hovered over my lips before kissing me, her tongue pushing into my mouth and tangling with mine at the same pace her fingers were fucking me. “God, Lexa, you're so fucking wet.”

I felt her thumb reach up and rub against my clit, making fast side to side motions, and my back arched and I moaned into our kiss. 

“Are you gonna come for me?” Clarke teased as she slipped a third finger into me. I moaned again, and her thumb applied more pressure to my clit. Clarke covered my mouth with her own and kissed me as I came and groaned her name into our kiss. She continued to make small movements against my clit to bring me down from my orgasm, and when I was truly finished, she collapsed against my chest, her breasts on top of mine, her skin sticking to mine.

“I love you,” I whispered as I leaned over and kissed Clarke's hair. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” She whispered back. She snuggled into me more firmly, and stayed lying on top of me. I drew small patterns on her back and she closed her eyes and sighed. “Would you really marry me in a heartbeat?”

“Yes,” I replied. Clarke smiled and kissed my neck.

“I'd marry you in a heartbeat, too.”

* * *

Clarke changed majors halfway through second semester, and decided to do art history rather than just art. She was really worried about job prospects for after graduation, and was hoping that she might have better luck finding a job with an art history degree. I encouraged her to do whatever she thought was best, but I really didn't know if there was any difference between normal art and art history. I was studying politics with a minor in peace and conflict studies, and I basically hadn't changed that since I started here at Berkeley.

Raven was studying some kind of rocket science, and Octavia was doing criminology. They were usually pretty busy, but I think we were all pretty happy here. Despite my initial worries, living with Octavia and Raven was pretty fun. 

As second semester came to a close, we renewed our lease on the apartment for another two years, which was a huge relief since we loved this place and really didn't want to face the hassle of having to move.

During finals week, I came home completely exhausted. As I slipped my key into the front door, I noticed that there was really loud Spanish music playing, and for a moment I considered just leaving and heading to a nearby Starbucks, but I was too intrigued to not go into the apartment.

When I opened the door, I found Raven trying to teach Octavia how to dance and sing along to the lyrics. 

“Hey Lexa!” Raven called as she grabbed Octavia's hips and moved them in a wide circle.

“Hey, Raven, what's all this about?” I asked as I dropped my bags by the front door and put my keys on the table in the entranceway. 

“It's a Spontaneous Selena Stress Suppressor Dance Party,” Octavia answered.

“Yeah, you know Selena?” Raven asked. “Selena y los Dinos?”

She looked offended at the clueless look I was giving her.

“You don't know  _ Selena _ ?! Get your ass over here, Woods. I grew up on this shit,” Raven said as she gestured for me to come join their dance party. I reluctantly walked into the living room. “Move your hips like this.”

Raven grabbed my hips and pushed them into a wide circle like she had with Octavia.

“Come on, Lexa, I know you can move those hips better than that,” Raven chastised. “At least, that's what I hear from Clarke.”

Raven sang along with the songs as she kept showing Octavia and I new dance moves. Eventually, it became fun rather than tedious, and I was laughing and dancing and singing along with Octavia and Raven. Clarke walked into the apartment and smiled at all of us.

“How could you start a Selena Dance Party without me?” Clarke asked Raven, giving her a fake angry look. Raven smiled and continued to dance as Clarke wrapped her arms around my hips and danced with me. She even sang along in Spanish in my ear as we moved together.

“Since when do you speak Spanish?” I asked with a smile as Clarke moved our hips in time to the music. 

“Since Raven Reyes refused to speak English to me for, like, two years from the time when we were 5,” Clarke responded. Raven started to speak to her in Spanish, and Clarke laughed while Octavia rolled her eyes. “She says I should be grateful to be bilingual because of her.”

Later that night, Clarke and I climbed into bed exhausted from studying for finals and from our earlier dance party. 

“You know, when I was younger and I really missed you, I'd invite Raven over and we'd dance to Selena and she would play 'Dreaming of You,'” Clarke whispered as she cuddled into my shoulder. “I'd sing along and think of you.”

I smiled at her, and Clarke started to kiss my shoulder.

“Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of you,” She sang in a whisper. “And I wish on a star that somewhere you are thinking of me, too. Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight, till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight, and there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be than here in my room, dreaming about you and me.”

I smiled but tears filled my eyes and I leaned over and kissed Clarke. 

“That's really sweet, Clarke,” I said, and Clarke kissed me again.

“Sometimes I can't believe how lucky we are,” Clarke whispered. “I love you, babe.”

“Love you too,” I whispered. 

* * *

We drove back to Laughlin in June, all four of us, for Anya and Lincoln's wedding. It was still two weeks away, but I was dying to see Anya and spend some time with her before the wedding. Clarke was just as excited, and even Abby and Jake were coming down earlier than usual so they could come to the wedding.

When we pulled into the resort, Anya ran out of the office and hugged me, this year thankfully without tackling me to the ground. Lincoln was a few steps behind her, and he hugged me as soon as Anya let me go.

“It just isn't the same around here without you, Lex,” Anya said as she messed up my hair. She turned to Clarke and hugged her tightly. “You too, kid. I'm glad to have both of you home.”

Octavia and Raven pulled into the resort a few minutes later, and immediately started talking about bachelorette party plans.

“We need cake and strippers,” Octavia announced. “Luckily, Lexa can take care of the cake, and Clarke can probably be a stripper for a night, so we should be covered.”

I rolled my eyes at Octavia, and Clarke just laughed. Anya made a disgusted face.

“Clarke's basically my future sister-in-law,” Anya said. “That's gotta be some kind of illegal.”

“I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this,” Raven said with a dramatic sigh. “But I suppose I can take one for the team and offer my stripper services for the bachelorette party.”

Octavia looked excited by the prospect, and Anya looked momentarily intrigued. 

“Can't we just hire strippers like normal people?” I asked. Octavia and Raven scoffed.

“That's way too practical, Lexa,” Octavia said and Raven nodded. 

* * *

Those two weeks passed by in a flash, full of wedding preparations and dress shopping and fittings and cake sampling, and it wasn't even like Anya was having some massively elaborate wedding. She was just having a small gathering of less than 20 people at the resort, and her dress wasn't even white (“it's patriarchal, Lexa, I'm not fucking wearing white”), but there were all these things we needed to do to get ready for the day and it was exhausting. Clarke was helping out a lot, but every day it just felt like the list of things to do for the wedding was never ending. Anya reluctantly relinquished control over the bachelorette party to Raven and Octavia, who actually managed to throw a pretty tasteful party (without any strippers). Since most of us were under 21, we decided to just throw a small party at our house rather than going to a club or bar.

When the day finally came, Anya got married to Lincoln, and she wore a black dress while she did it, and we had cake and food and we all danced our asses off. Octavia and Raven got a little too drunk, and to my surprise, so did Abby and Jake, so they left the party early. At 3 am, Clarke, Anya, Lincoln and I were the only ones left standing. There was a taxi waiting for Anya and Lincoln, who were headed to Vegas for what little was left of their wedding night. Anya hugged me and Clarke tightly, but Clarke eventually wandered off, knowing that Anya and I wanted a moment alone.

“When are you gonna ask her?” Anya asked me. I gave her a perplexed look and laughed an uncomfortable laugh.

“I wasn't really planning on asking her to marry me anytime soon, Anya,” I replied. Anya pulled away from me and squeezed my shoulder.

“Lexa, you've known her for over half your life. She knows literally everything about you. You've been together for, like, six years now,” She said with a gentle smile. “To quote Octavia, you really need to lock that shit down.”

I laughed and hugged Anya even tighter. 

“Duly noted, Anya.”

She smiled at me and climbed into the cab and drove off with her husband. That was weird to say...husband. Anya was fucking  _ married _ . 

Clarke came over to my side and wrapped her arm around my waist and kissed my shoulder.

“Pretty weird, huh?” She said. “ _ Anya _ just got  _ married. _ Who's next? Octavia and Raven?”

I smiled at the thought and leaned over to kiss Clarke.

“Who knows?” I replied, grabbing Clarke's hand and leading her back to the house. We climbed into bed, and that night, as Clarke slept peacefully against my side, I considered Anya's words. Clarke and I were still young, but I was completely sure that she was the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I knew that basically from the first summer I met her. And maybe we wouldn't be getting married any time soon, since I figured we'd both probably want to finish college first, but proposing didn't mean we had to get married right away. I could propose and we could wait a few years before actually even planning anything. 

It was definitely something to consider.

* * *

“I'm taking your advice.”

“You're really gonna do the butt blaster workout with me?”

“Not that advice, you fucking idiot. I'm gonna lock that shit down.”

“What shit? The cooler? It's not gonna move around in the boat  _ that much _ , Lexa, you probably don't need to literally lock it down.”

“For fuck's sake, Octavia, I'm not talking about the cooler!” I said as I pushed the cooler into the boat. We were getting ready for a day on the river with Clarke and Raven, and it was Octavia's turn to help me load the boat for the day. “I'm gonna propose to Clarke.”

“Holy shit on a stick,” Octavia said with wide eyes. 

“Yes,” I replied. 

“Well, how are you gonna do it?” Octavia said. I shrugged at her, even though I'd already had the entire thing carefully planned out. “You gotta make it romantic and shit, Clarke likes that stuff. Did you buy her a ring already? Oh my god, I think I need to sit down. Shit just got so real, so fast.”

I laughed at Octavia as she literally sat herself down cross-legged on the dock and held her head in her hands. Raven and Clarke walked onto the dock and Raven laughed at Octavia.

“I told you not to drink all that sangria last night,” Raven said with a smile. “Now look who can't even stand up this morning!”

“Yeah, that's totally it,” Octavia replied. “All that sangria just hit me. Like  _ boom _ .”

“My poor baby,” Raven said with a pout as she offered to help Octavia stand. She kissed her on the nose and helped her onto the boat. Clarke smiled at them and helped me load the last of the coolers onto the boat.

“Do you think she's okay to be on the boat?” Clarke asked me as she gestured to Octavia, who was still holding her head in her hands as Raven fussed over her.

“I'm sure she'll be fine.”

* * *

On our last weekend at the resort, I took the boat out one evening with Clarke. We anchored in the river and lay on our backs in the boat and watched the stars, holding hands and chatting absentmindedly. The ring in my pocket felt heavy, even though it was just a dainty little thing, but I wasn't nervous. I knew this was the right step for Clarke and I, and I had no doubts about wanting to spend the rest of my life with her.

“Hey,” Clarke whispered as she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Why're you so quiet?”

“I've just been thinking.”

Clarke smiled at me and rolled over so she was laying on her stomach, her head propped up against her hands. The friendship bracelet I made her was still, by some miracle, attached to her wrist, though it had definitely seen better days. 

“About what?” She asked. I smiled at her and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

“How lucky I am to have you, how much I love you,” I said. “Just thinking back to all those summers we spent here, getting to know each other and falling in love.”

Clarke smiled and sighed.

“Pretty great summers, huh?” She asked as she leaned over and kissed me. “I wouldn't trade all the time we've spent here for anything.”

I nodded at her and cupped her cheek gently. Clarke leaned into my touch and closed her eyes. 

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you, too.”

“Clarke,” I whispered, and Clarke opened her eyes to look at me. Her intense blue gaze hadn't changed a bit since I first locked eyes with her twelve summers ago, and her face still held that same innocence and beauty as it did all those years ago. I smiled at her and she smiled back. “I got you something.”

“What is it?”

“Something to replace the friendship bracelet I made for you all those years ago,” I said as I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring. Clarke's mouth dropped open as she stared at it. “Do you think you could wear this for the rest of your life?”

“Lex,” Clarke said as she looked back at me with wide, surprised eyes. “Are you asking-”

“I'm asking you to marry me, Clarke.”

“Oh my god,” Clarke whispered as her eyes filled up with tears. “Oh my god.”

“So... yes?” I asked tentatively, and Clarke smiled and tears fell down her cheeks.

“Of course, yes!” She shrieked and leaned over to kiss me. I could feel the wetness of her tears on my own cheeks, but her smile kept ruining our kiss so I knew I didn't have to worry about why she was crying. 

I slid the ring onto Clarke's finger, and she kissed me again.

“Now we're gonna have to get you a ring,” She mused as she continued to kiss me. I shrugged. The ring wasn't that important to me, but if it made Clarke happy, I would wear one. 

When we got home, Clarke showed her ring to Anya, who gave me a proud look.

“I locked this shit down,” I said, and Anya laughed at me. 

Clarke wrapped her arms around me and kissed me again and again, and after we made love one or seven times, Clarke snuggled into me and I drew small circles on the skin of her back.

“I don't think I've ever felt this happy,” Clarke whispered. “I'm so in love with you.”

“I'm so in love with you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, despite my best efforts, today isn't gonna be a two update kind of day. I procrastinated way too long on packing, and definitely underestimated the amount of things I actually needed to pack, so I didn't have enough time to write the final chapter plus the epilogue. So, here's the final chapter. The epilogue will be posted hopefully within the next few days, or week maximum, depending on how long it takes me to settle in after my move! 
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who's read, kudos'd, commented, and subscribed! You guys are absolutely amazing and have been so wonderful, so thank you, thank you, thank you. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Well. Here's a wonderful story. Do you ever do that thing where you think you're editing/deleting just a chapter and end up deleting your entire story, losing all your kudos, and all your comments? No? Just me? GREAT.
> 
> So instead of freaking out for two hours (I totally freaked out for two hours), I've decided that I'm going to look at this as an opportunity. An opportunity to learn from my mistakes. An opportunity to resist slamming my head against my laptop and calling it quits. I. Am. Fixing. This.
> 
> Sorry for the inconvenience. I am so sorry.


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